I woke up this morning without a clue what to do with the day ahead of me. Don't get me wrong I do not let a moment pass wasted in self pity - well maybe a moment here and there do sneak by. I make a point appreciating each moment granted to me on this gracious planet Earth. I guess that is what keeps me going each day, knowing I have been blessed with a wonderful and strong family. Yes the struggles are daily and with a bit of 'before knowledge' I could have avoided being buried in financial disasters and depression. I have been made aware of the impact of having no money for food, clothing, and ofcourse the luxury of going to a movie. Teenagers. They are great. They do their best to be understanding and patient. They sew their own clothes to save me the trouble. They do odd jobs and never forget their nephews. What I hate are the mornings when we are awaiting money and the food is scarce. They leave without breakfast and take with them a home made lunch of one of my 'creations'. And they continue successfully in their classes. I carry a lot of anxiety and guilt over watching them go through all this. At the same time I see the young adults they have become and am grateful for all the time I had with them growing up. I wanted to be there to catch those important moments that would normally be missed if I was working. I feel in my generation, with all the strengthening experience from the grandmothers before me, we have been given the chance to stop the cycle of poverty and all that goes with it.
We are going to make it.
We receive a bit of money today. 500.00. Half of that goes to a utility bill and to pay for fixing the tire (again). The rest is for grocery shopping. My high hopes was to have the van insured this month. Oh well. I hate that I have to pick between the necessities. I just remembered the telephone bill. sigh. And the housing sent me a water bill from last year that they were supposed to take care of because of a leak they didn't fix, $1000.00 or get evicted. I am still looking for a job. I'll take anything right now. I am tired. My house is a mess. The laundry needs to be done. Need to take the walk to the recycling bins again. My sister is having a wedding and once again I am a no show because of the van. I fight depression each day. I know I am a good mother. I have given my whole life so far to ensuring they have a choice.
The faucet is dripping. Not environmentally friendly and cannot afford to be wasting such a precious resource. (tightens tap). I called the local women's center today to share an idea about having a series of auto and home maintenance workshops. Its amazing how a workshop giving hands-on instruction for changing oil/tires or fixing leaking faucets can encourage independence and financial savings. If only I could find a job that would let me take all this 'life' experience and help others. Which brings me back to making the plan for my making a new reality.
What is stopping me at this moment from achieving what it is that I need????
1. Money (ofcourse) life would be so much simpler if I didn't have to worry about whether the kids are going to have breakfast. Never mind fulfill the food guide requirements.
2. Confidence. I hesitate to put value in my abilities. I need to make an inventory of what my strengths are and believe in them enough to use them.
3. Faith. I don't know why I don't put this as number one. I am not a church goer but I do believe in the Ancient One, Creator, God. There had to be some great being out there to intervene or I would not be here today.
Well hopefully I remember to check back on this list. It's a start anyways. I really would like to figure out a way to either start my own home business. Who wouldn't? That's a dream anyways. I hope if anyone has dared to venture into my ramblings I haven't bored you or depressed you. All I am doing is sorting out my options or creating new ones so I can make a new reality for myself and my family.
Well thanks for hanging in there. I'll post more tonite or tomorrow would like to stay consistent with the blog. My daughter should be back with the tire soon. I am smiling at the thought of her rolling that thing through the neighborhood. We flipped for it. I stay with the kids and she rolled the tire. Seems like the day has been good to me so far.
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