...had to start with me.

There is no way to really know what is going to unfold in a day. Yet, the world will continue on out there...passed my screen doors....passed the few feet of 'my yard'. (Listening to Believe In Dreams by Flyleaf)
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The snow is falling good right now.
The walk was cleared yesterday
and now fully covered again. The foot prints
pressed into the white banks are filled and replaced
with a new day of winter strollers.
Most of me remembers the peace that came
after the night dream wake.
Still, part of me clings to yesterday's hurt.
Its those little blessings that keep me
from a self induced cave-in of despair. My grandson
a constant teacher . A reminder of those teachings
of life that helped me survive this long.
He may not get any of the philosophical blurts
but he has the tools when its time. He puts them in
where he feels they fit for 'him'.

So, what is it that holds my day captive
as I fight to see bits of daylight?
I am one of the lucky ones. I came out
of the streets with all my 'needed' wits
and no limbs or organs lost. I embraced
a vision that promised to keep me safe
from my suicidal binges. I kept the faith,
as some would say, that the world would become
a better place but had to start with me. I
am grateful, the world is a better place therefor time
left to heal and strengthen. A legacy I can only pray
will be left for my children and grandchildren. I don't
reject my history or use it to blame my life on its events.
I have taken every 'positive' step that I know to take.
My life is not perfect with its daily challenges
and heartbreaking moments. I have little money and no job.
I worry each day about how long this house will be
called home. I fight off thoughts of drunken drug escapes.
I keep a tightened grasp on the forgiveness
needed for the hate controlling those outside my door.
I know this day is mine. I see the daylight through
the cracks of my home made curtains. I have this moment
and that is all that matters. And the smile returns
from the inside out. The world is better
and it had to start with me.

Reality

My son you stood in our doorway with a face covered with blood. My heart stopped and my world changed forever.

The List

Sorting through the wreckage of my life to find the treasures of my past. I have not lived this long to be one that resorts to a mode of self pity just to survive. I have live this long because I wake up each morning being grateful for those little miracles. There are too many to mention in one sitting without writing a book. So I will go with this day's list in no particular order of importance - all make my day.

I am grateful for the freedom I wake up with every morning.
I am grateful for the ability to sit and 'see' the morning winter chrystals on the tree tops.
I am grateful for the opportunity to say good morning to my children and grandchildren.
I am grateful for my crazy mind.
I am grateful for the cold floor in the morning.
I am grateful for the earth medicines that I burn in a smudge each morning.
I am grateful to "be aware" how blessed I am.
I am grateful for the knowledge and wisdom of those gone before me.
I am grateful for this day - this new adventure.


And so there it is - always more to add and all just as important as the other. My day is never without challenge but it all plays out in a blessed way. I learn from everything I experience. And if I don't it usually is replayed so the teaching sticks. I stray from the positive mind and that is also a teaching I need. I cannot appreciate the good without knowing the so called 'bad'. My life has so many dark moments that were made darker the more I stayed in its memory clutch. Now, these experiences are all part of who I am. I don't search for pity for the darkness I endured. Nor do I use it as an excuse to 'not live my life'. I must admit there was a time when there was alot of shame in my life...shame for not having the power to protect others from the darkness and shame for not having the knowledge to find my way out of the darkness. But never did I blame or ask for pity. In a way, that was my problem. I took on alot of responsibility for events that were not mine or were unavoidable. Realizing I had a 'choice' was what saved me from existing in the darkness of my experience and saved my children from reliving the experience. I would rather my children and grandchildren inherit the mind peace and spirit strength to face their journey. And the only way I can contribute to that is to 'live' my life so they will experience 'the choice' I made. They have seen the darkness and they have experienced the beauty of living. They have a choice. That's the most important teaching I have ever received. Today, I choose to live my life with the eyes of a child and the maturity of my experiences.

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Bob Marley - Three Little Birds ( There are some songs that just have a way....)

.....its snowing out there

Listening to So Long Marianne by Leonard Cohen)

The snow has arrived and with the unpredictability of today's weather pattern no one knows if nature's blanket will remain or melt into the ground to expose the sleeping earth to its death. But what hasn't changed, and I don't imagine will ever change, is the excitement in the the little boy's voice as he jumps and proclaims "It's snowing!" As the world moves on its way around a little one there is little to deter the young mind from seeing the wonder and beauty in everything. No matter what the world is puking up. (I see that sentence and can't help but 'leave it'.) I read somewhere in the beginning of my studies in old dusty literature, too see the world as a child with mature innocense. The exact wording is not what sticks its the message it leaves that matters. I have been pulled into each morning with a slight ache of unfed desire for a life that I have never known. Then....sometime during that moment or sometimes when I am trapped in the illusion of my sleep ... I remember. Its my experience, my life, that is the innosence and my willingness to live it the best I can is the maturity.

Not Enough Sheep for Me to Count for Sleep

My body is tired but I can't sleep. Four days. Four days and four hours of sleep. I did three abstract designs on paper last night....instead of making me tired it made me want to do another then another then another.

Lines, circles, squares, curves. I swear I started seeing faces forming in there somewhere. I close my eyes and a cluster of cartoon characters and script fill my head. I some how just flow with it and try make a story out of it. Too many thoughts and too many stresses at the moment I think.

Tried counting sheep as a last resort. The cluster of thoughts would just intefere and take me somewhere else. I even imagined the sheep leaning on a post patiently waiting for me to 'focus'. Funny. Now this is what happens with lack of sleep. Rambles of nonsense.