Sunrise With a Hangover

there is no poetry
in this life
vocaloids from fragmented
borrowed brain scans
paint spray of human delusions

sunrise with a hangover
the final spark of a dream

.....its snowing out there

Listening to So Long Marianne by Leonard Cohen)

The snow has arrived and with the unpredictability of today's weather pattern no one knows if nature's blanket will remain or melt into the ground to expose the sleeping earth to its death. But what hasn't changed, and I don't imagine will ever change, is the excitement in the the little boy's voice as he jumps and proclaims "It's snowing!" As the world moves on its way around a little one there is little to deter the young mind from seeing the wonder and beauty in everything. No matter what the world is puking up. (I see that sentence and can't help but 'leave it'.) I read somewhere in the beginning of my studies in old dusty literature, too see the world as a child with mature innocense. The exact wording is not what sticks its the message it leaves that matters. I have been pulled into each morning with a slight ache of unfed desire for a life that I have never known. Then....sometime during that moment or sometimes when I am trapped in the illusion of my sleep ... I remember. Its my experience, my life, that is the innosence and my willingness to live it the best I can is the maturity.

Cancer Scare

Ok so the day has begun like all others. I have my list of 'to dos' and a great cup of coffee to sit by me while I spill my morning thoughts into this 'space'. But there is one thing different today. I am entering a day without that grey cloud of worry. I try outrun it by keeping busy and staying focused on the positive. Then those moments just before my mind drifts into my sleep journey, I plan my last days. And when the morning sun drifts through my window the words 'thank you' bring in the new day. For many years I have had the same physical pains and concerns. I have had numerous tests, ultrasounds, scans and enough blood to keep a vampire harem in suspended bliss. Then that little thing they found on my ovary grew in addition there were now concerns about both ovaries and more tests. I refused to say these things out loud. I believe to say it would to give it life - strength. I could just think of my children and my dear grandchildren.

This day is different.

This passed summer I went to a spiritual ceremony. The sundance. A sacred time of prayers, songs, dance, and personal sacrifice. I danced and prayed. I prayed for my relatives. Those ones that are sick, lonely, homeless, hungry, lost, afraid, - all my relatives - all nations. I gave thanks and shed tears for the beautiful ways the ancients kept alive in our spirit memory. Pilamiya Tunkashila....I thanked the Earth, our grandmother who keeps us alive. I prayed we would take our place in the circle as allies to Unci Maka..Grandmother Earth. And with the time in my prayers I felt the prayers of my brothers and sisters, my relatives, that danced under the sacred tree and prayed for me.

This day is different. The prayers were carried and heard.

The results of my tests came back and my family doctor had to take a second and third look at my results. She read them back to me...negative...normal...negative...
That's good enough for me. I woke up this morning thinking about living my day the best I can. No fear. That was my real sickness. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. But this moment is mine.

Peace and Humankindness.

....programmed into the brain where the spirit lived

it is time to register my teenagers in highschool and establish the schedule for my grandson's homeschool plan. i enjoy the creativity involved in putting the list of activities we will be taking on for the week or months. An important aspect of education is the social interaction. So much is learned in a conversation, an expression or body movements. Opinions are formed in conversations.

One plan was to get signed up for an autumn craft and art program at the gallery. I would also take advantage of the time there with a photography course. It is the move toward viewing the world in adventurous and possible ways. Well, I know I can't afford any of this without making small payments. So I had a pleasant conversation with the young woman taking on the greet and know of the gallery while the manager was away. I walked away feeling so great. The classes were set and the October youth craft bash promised to be educational and fun. The best part - our names were down and the payments could be made on the start date - which is the next time and only time in the month I would have money. So spending a few moments sharing smiles with a helpful humanbeing got the ball rolling for a positive move forward. "Not having money was not going to stop me from enjoying my life..."

Now, as the time draws nearer to the start date of the gallery programs, I decided to call to double check our registration and the exact amount that would be owed on the date agreed. Well, the telephone like the email, text etc...has damaged the already disfunctional act of communicating. Now I spoke with the manager. She sounded rough, older, and less interested in my excitement to start the programs. Dragging her voice she proceeded to inform me that the fees would need to be paid before they could confirm my enrollment. The financial aid program was not available ( I had not asked for financial I inquired about payment plan). " I have dealt with problems before so I cannot help you." So in a stuffy breath she made her decision in non chalance air....arrrrr. She flexed her power.

Why does it matter if the gallery won't wait for the fees or if we even take the program to learn, experience, create, communicate? It was just that moment of feeling like something we 'wanted' not necessarily 'needed' was unfolding in our favor. I had my teenagers excited a feat in itself expecially when they are more accustomed to disappointment. I felt like I had accomplished something. I did - I made the kids smile, talk, plan, and most of all - dream. Then because someone listened in the city....a communication between two people resulted in smiles, hope, confidence. Good feeling as the days went by and we knew we had 'that' day to look forward to. In a short technological line of black endless wire the words grated from her aged lips into a grinding echo that reached my ears, then my mind, my heart and my spirit. I waited in between the cold wire words for a moment she might soften and understand, trust, compromise, humanize. That moment never had a chance. She was like a robot. An answering machine programmed into the brain where the spirit lived.

Well, moving on. We always bounce back from these things. I just don't look forward to seeing the fade out of the little 'spark' that has been lit for the passed little while. They won't complain. They will nod and discuss other things. One of those things that was just in our grasp but was put there for someone else.

Distant from the Being as Humans

And the World is in poverty now! A reality in so many ways. We have starved ourselves almost to death by disconnecting with our main life force 'the Earth'. It is only in the reestablishing our connection as allies of the earth can we save ourselves. I have watched documentaries and read articles that reflect a hint of hope for the human 'beings' even after all the damage that has been done. BP oil spill "murderer of the ocean". Mother Nature's wrath spreading her cleansing hands with wind, storms, and earth shakes. An unrest with the people as they confront their governments once again to protest the neglect and disrespect of the commonman's plight to survive. These are enormous issues that span the whole planet. Yet in the shadows are the those whose voice has been taken during the decline of their lives. Asleep in alleyways, feeding from backdoor bins, stealing a can meat from a corner store, hunting sick and poluted animals, serving affordable junk to their children, drinking colorful water, and still dreaming it can change atleast for the children. What now happens to those who have been born into poverty? This is the thought that stirs my need to stand up and gather all the information that is out there and say "lets do this!" Turn the information into knowledge through doing, and wisdom through living.

It is easy to say grow your own food if you have the tools and the experience.
So....provide the tools and experience. Share the knowledge in every community! Let it be the way it has to be. Every neighbor to have a healthy meal for themselves and their family. And for those carnivores well hunting is still a great way to feed "families". It is the pollution and sicknesses that is making it difficult to trust this old survival way. But protect areas to ensure the natural habitant is available is a start.

I have a wish list and one item on the list is like many other families..'a home' to call my own. I have done alot of research on the variety of alternative housing projects being developed around the world. I don't understand why it wouldn't be considered as an alternative on a wider scale for impoverished families. An energy efficient home where the one time bill comes only in the materials. A home built with renewable resources to cut the cost to more than half for the finished product. Not For Profit organization run by citizens of the rural/urban area with a goal to ensure every family has a home. A barter system or mortgage payment as an option to assist in securing the home for the individual/family. For example; the new homeowner will now share the new homebuilding skills with future homeowners and share in the building of a new home. There are so many positives that could come out of feeling you have something worth while to offer and also have the pleasure of seeing the product of your hard work. Training and education for the building of the home and the continue learning in areas such as gardening (community gardens for example). A committment by Governments for the financial support for the training and resources to fulfill this goal. When one considers the cost of services put toward government housing, financial aid, and the thousands of programs developed and redeveloped to feed and house the homeless, this would be an investment in more ways than one.

These are not new ideas. We have become distant from the "being" as humans. Not only have we disconnected from our life source but we have created armor around our lives so we will not feel the pain of the world. Hoping maybe just maybe it will get better on its own. It is not to say we don't have the heart..the spirit...to make a change. I only say it is time to put our differences aside and realize we are all One on One Earth. Our only real Home. What is here was meant to be utilized with respect and honour for its abundance and generousity. There is no need for one person to be hungry in this world today. There is no reason why those who desire a home should not have one. There is no need for a government that only serves its own agenda as long as we have our voice! It's our differences that have created the dark shame over human life.

Living Art

Watching humans dancing
to the music of the earth song
smiling faces drumming with gum chewing vigor
toddlers swaying high and low
on wooden teeter tots
a teenage mother sitting
on side door steps
smoking a cigarette after
her lunch hour sandwich
a bearded man hidden age behind
pepper beard
four jackets for the seasons
and a loaf of bread from the uptown drop in
walking art
sleeping art
sad art
content art
terrifying art
childish art
x rated art
painful art
messed up art
human
walking
living
art...

Gathering Pieces

There are thoughts and feelings that pass through my mind each day that fight to be put down on paper, tapped on the keyboard or yelled out in ramblings. The twist and turns in my life since the age of two have left me in times of confusion and exhilaration. I get confused with the images of a childhood that seems so unreal compared to my life today. The exhilaration comes from knowing I survived and stepped out of a world that gives little opportunity for escape. I feel I am not the type of person to dwell on the past to avoid the present. I have taken all the pieces, and it took years to put together what I have, and placed them back into my life as a reminder of who I am. Like a broken plate the pieces were scattered and unidentifiable. At times I would select only a few pieces that I felt belonged. But every shaving became an important aspect of my growth and strength. If I rejected even the tiniest piece I was rejecting a part of myself. All my experiences in these forty years of life have made me who I am. The pain, the abuse, the loss, the rejection, and then the final arrival have all created the person that sits here today. It is like when I call myself by name after leaving some place I was visiting it is done to ensure I do not become lonely for a part of me I left behind and therefore may want to return to retrieve it. This is something I was taught during my travels. And I do not want to return to those places that had instilled such pain but to reject the experience would mean rejecting a part of me – incomplete, not whole, and lost. All is a reminder of who I am and a reminder of my blessings.

change the world one potato at a time

A very long day. Well, with a limp and a crutch I have been welcomed back to sort those spuds. They even set up a stool for me to rest on while I sort. I couldn't stay home. The money to be earned is needed and helping to make some ends meet.

There are huge storage buildings waiting to be filled and inspected by prospective buyers. Along the sidelines are the unwanted potatoes that will quickly find their way to the garbage. I continue in obedience, throwing small perfect roasting potatoes into a pile mixed with rotten and green spuds. I know even my family would love to have mashed, baked, fried, or boiled. I didn't say a word in protest. I did inquire about the potatoes and sent a quiet complaint of how it is such a waste when there are so many hungry people that could surely make use of the odd sized and unwanted vegetable. Poverty. Environment. Industry. Health. It is amazing how we will ignore the issues when we are in need. The immediate problems of putting food on the table and keeping the power on in the home always seems to be priority. How can the impoverished be proactive in addressing issues of environmental urgency or resource waste, when the thought of their child's empty stomach during school is the only motivator for the day? I care about the environment, the Earth. I care about those that have lived without and need a helping hand. I care. Period. But for today, I have to care about my family. There is no one in this world that has stepped forward to say "I care about your family". So it is up to me.

For now all i can do is send those positive vibes with each potato...peace and humankindness. Changing the world one potato at a time. Smile no matter what. Just for the hell of it.

Spirit Message

If you have wandered into this site, "welcome". I don't advertise or roam to much to grab attention. But when the attention does come so does the interesting questions and relationships.

I was just reminded of a reemerging message to everyone, us; no particular color, religion, or political stand needed, just an ability to listen. Those who 'know' will understand. There is a time when using what we 'know' will be the most important guide for survival. A spiritual war that began with a division of tribes that occurred during ancient times. During a time when the mysteries of today were not hidden but common knowledge and practice for everyone. The generations of distorted versions of history have attempted to erase all memory or knowledge of these times. A duty that has been passed down to ensure that the unfolding of goals emerge. These goals or ambitions are not in the best interest of those who cherish their freedom. A reawakening of genetic memory that will give rise to the knowledge that will reconnect our existence with our original ancestors for the sake of our survival. This is not a string of words open for debate. If you know then it will make sense. If you don't it is not my responsibility to convince you.

All is good and the way it should be.

(Re) Awakening

Closer now
wide open eyes
a step or two
snapping dry eyes

closer now
tired sleep cover
fighting eye lid rest
afraid to miss the moment

Spirit Fed

Catch the moment.
Was caught in a sudden rain shower.
Refreshing and wonderful to have something 'real' touch me.
I mean that in a good way.
It is so easy to get caught up in the superficiality of the day
Stepping in time like zombies. Like machines.

I was planning on writing a bit more as I sat in the park but instead I stood and watched as an amazing dark billowing cloud glided toward the city. The sight of it frightened me but I continued to stand in awe of the force of this natural event. Having seen many storms every one has its unique strength and presence. A bolt of lightning crawled across the sky from dark cloud over blue sky. What an odd sight. That is when I realized I should probably retreat to a safer point. Away from the steel water tower and steel fence surrounding the park. The rain poured and blinded anyone attempting to walk in it. An elderly man in the process of walking his dog skipped across the street pulling the leash and lifting his head once to search for shelter. A small silver car stopped and offered to take him out of the rain. He accepted. For a moment I wondered what he would have done if I had offered. But that doesn’t matter it was nice to see human kindness.

My grandson loves the rain.
When he was a baby we would sit and watch the rain and the lightening from our home in the country. (before the fire) the storm clouds always seemed within reach. I could see the twirling build up of the clouds just above my head. I would sing that old song and hold the tobacco up in offering for the blessings that follow the natural cleanse. The riches of spirit. The ‘real’ touching my soul was all I needed to understand. To know.

The sun is out now. As quick as it arrived the clouds have moved south east leaving behind the new. A reminder of our dependence on this earth. One earth.

Hunger

Well we're doing it again. A few of us crazy women are putting together a plan just to ensure families like ours are fed and taken care of. We understand there are issues that are bigger than us and want to help but when you are caught in that pit of nothing your strength is only used to breathe-make it another day for the kids. Can't save the world but we can help each other help others, and so on. Poverty. Reality.

During a four day fast before a sundance ceremony I understood hunger at a different level. The hunger of the spirit. No food or water for four days was the best medicine to humble a being caught in this world. With a dry mouth I tasted the earth wind and the sage smudge smoke. I heard the songs of the earth and felt our relations heartbeats travel thoughout my body. I felt myself melting into every part of creation. And on the fourth day, that first drop of water from a buffalo horn was held in my mouth with such appreciation. I carry that with me to remember why I am here. Every day has held miracles and I have asked the Creator many times to help the people, the nations, open their eyes to them. Where ever one chooses to pray or search, in church buildings, sweatlodges, temples etc that doesn't matter. It only matters that the energy, prayer, thoughts need to reunite to build the strength of the being, to reconnect with the rest of creation. The world is filled with others who 'know'. Every nation, race, culture whatever has one or many of 'those that know'. We are just afraid to believe. When we take the time to listen answers to our troubles are revealed.

***********************************************************************

Time is Calling us

the best way to figure out todays problems is to turn in your seat...looking back. As a spectator looking back at history we have little to lose and we avoid the direct pain and suffering that the humans of the time endured. What does that mean? How can we understand without feeling the pain? to feel the pain helps us to appreciate the healing. i would n't want to go back to the days when children were ripped from the arms of mothers and slammed against rocks for the shock effect - control. all i need to know is that i am alive today because someone back then continued to survive. I have the knowledge and freedom to live with the teachings of my ancestors because someone lived/died to ensure the gift would be mine. the grandmothers that hovered over the children. the men who held the woman's word close to their heart and stood to protect them. I am here because they knew what they were doing. Humility, honor, courage, and unconditional acts of love. I think that is the only time that word is used, universal meaning that is now becoming rare, as a result of empty overuse. Now I stand with what I can. i feel so inferior to the grandmothers out there that have stood up in their weary years to speak for us who are either too afraid, too tired, too sick, or too blind to understand the importance of our time - the urgency. I heard one elder say today, "Time is short. Time is calling us." amazing. My dreams are loyal to the times. I ask myself everyday why am I having these prophetic dreams yet I do not have the knowledge of what to do with them. "We can talk about things, but without prayer we will never succeed."

Change my reality? I don't mean to dishonor those ones that came before me or deceive the ones that will come after me. I only want to be a part of a different reality that includes peace, unity, and overall a reconnection with our mother, the Earth. To begin with strengthening my own spirit seems to me the only sensible road to take. I feel like something is coming. The hairs on my body tingle at the thought. Truth. There is a bit of fear and yet a feeling of relief - I am not insane. I see the women of the world have listened! That is another word that has echoed in my mind for many years. "Listen" to the whispers of the earth, the universe, the ancestors. I listen and sometimes I am afraid. I have no one to share this with. I am a quiet woman, a mother, a grandmother, I am a grain of the earth, with all my relations.

Empty Cupboards

Well a good a place as any to begin. Empty Cupboards. That's our reality today as two little ones wander through the house as cute as can be. We use our creativity to make the meals as interesting but more importantly, as filling as possible. They don't know yet. They don't know that the life we are living is considered 'poor' 'impoverished' 'low income' 'down and out'. What they do know is we have a life that is very much an improvement that took two generations to transform. My mother and grandmother both have me beat when it comes to 'hard times'. And the limitless abilities for creativity also was what helped in the survival of 13 plus children. Well, keeping the stomachs from growling through the night was only one of the worries of my grandmother's time. A lot of aunts and uncles didn't make it passed their twenties. Starvation of the spirit - took em in the night, on the street, broad daylight, at first newborn breath, during the 18th birthday. Starvation.
Reality in poverty today doesn't mean I live in a cardboard box. Although I feel that situation is too close lately. We have a home - rented- with bits of furniture. The bedrooms are supposed to be havens. I try make it so. With mattresses on the floor covered with homemade cushions. New beds are too expensive and when we buy used we don't think of its history just that it has no holes. Other people's mattresses. I try not to think to much. Well, pride was left back there somewhere maybe in the food bank line or seated in the financial assistance office. I had to make a choice. I received my degree shortly after i had my twins, babies three and four. The father couldn't make his mind up if he was going to stay or go. He was never really with us - always lost in his own thoughts. I knew I would not let my children repeat 'without choice' the same hardships I endured. I would support them through their school, stick to them like a prairie wood tick until they were adults on their own. The toughest times being highschool. They struggled and put up with my strict expectations - 'avoid the alcohol and drug scene atleast until you pass your teens'. Two have made it through their teens with a bit of life bruising from funerals of young friends and understanding of consequence. I kept a job for short periods of time, but always left to put family fires out. I had no outside support from family or friends. They believed I was just wasting my time, just send them out there and let them learn. This is half true. The other part of the story is if you don't give them the support and tools to deal with the decisions today they are easily pulled into situations. I figured well if they choose that live they choose it. But until they are on their own I am going to be here to give them the knowledge o f a life worth fighting for, a choice. When they are on their own they cannot use the excuse "i didn't know".
My daughter asked me after a day of school, 'mom are we poor?' Ofcourse I gave her the version that basically says 'as long as we have each other we are the richest and luckiest people in the world'. I believe this to be true but this only survives for so long. If I don't find a way out. another generation will be looking for answers that I couldn't figure out. Starvation.

Well so far I have been ranting.
Reality:

1.Money in pocket - $0

2.What we had for supper:

~Creative Casserole (Basically put anything left in the fridge or cupboard onto a plate with some baked biscuits made of flour/baking powder/water.

Baked Biscuits
Bacon
Five Sausages
Water

It's amazing how children and teenagers can sit with you and enjoy a meal like this. My son came home with a bottle of pop and shared it three ways. My daughter is getting an academic award. We are getting the vehicle fixed tomorrow, flat tire slashed by some back alley rats and unregistered without insurance. Dimes, nickels and loads of pennies in a backpack to take to the bank for my daughter. It is her end of the school year dinner with friends. No new clothes for two years but we did splurge with forty dollars at the second hand store. Name brands too. Nothing wrong with that. We just have to make it out of this whole poverty reality thing.
Which brings me to the purpose of this blog 'stepping outa this reality'.

This is my first post. I hope to write more tonite. I am putting together a plan. Just a step at a time. If anyone happens by this corner of the web world leave me a comment or offer ideas to help me and my family step outa poverty.