Faith

The Great Mystery. There is something called faith. No matter what life path they have chosen, faith stirs that spark of survival - the will to live another day.

lounged with ancients

fit into the wind
like the dust swirl
in september air

a scent of red
as the eyes forget
in chemical pain

we lounged with ancients
when passions were living
in blue dreams

as the mind opens
to eye sight
our
breath
is fantasy.

Lost

... Lost: Inspiration
May have dropped on a cement walk during a storm in the morning on Schit Street
A chance it will be found battered on Phucku Cres.
or trampled on Soulpimped Ave.

Inspiration will be of no use to anyone if you don't have the knowledge of how to operate.
***so please return to Emptyhead Industries on Fruit Road.

Sunrise With a Hangover

there is no poetry
in this life
vocaloids from fragmented
borrowed brain scans
paint spray of human delusions

sunrise with a hangover
the final spark of a dream

earthly momentos

tapping keys into masked coherency
lost myself in the shuffle of learning
they will call me elder in a few years
i have earned my own guilt and shame
i shun the nag of self destruction
i have earned this day
no ego to claim as my victor
just the scars that rip open when the night falls
forced to remember who I am
caressed with earthly momentos
left to be swept worn by winds and dust
not lost
not found
just there captured in the inhale
and passed to the next breath
reconnecting the buried past
with tomorrow's history
never lost
never found
just there captured in the inhale

...had to start with me.

There is no way to really know what is going to unfold in a day. Yet, the world will continue on out there...passed my screen doors....passed the few feet of 'my yard'. (Listening to Believe In Dreams by Flyleaf)
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The snow is falling good right now.
The walk was cleared yesterday
and now fully covered again. The foot prints
pressed into the white banks are filled and replaced
with a new day of winter strollers.
Most of me remembers the peace that came
after the night dream wake.
Still, part of me clings to yesterday's hurt.
Its those little blessings that keep me
from a self induced cave-in of despair. My grandson
a constant teacher . A reminder of those teachings
of life that helped me survive this long.
He may not get any of the philosophical blurts
but he has the tools when its time. He puts them in
where he feels they fit for 'him'.

So, what is it that holds my day captive
as I fight to see bits of daylight?
I am one of the lucky ones. I came out
of the streets with all my 'needed' wits
and no limbs or organs lost. I embraced
a vision that promised to keep me safe
from my suicidal binges. I kept the faith,
as some would say, that the world would become
a better place but had to start with me. I
am grateful, the world is a better place therefor time
left to heal and strengthen. A legacy I can only pray
will be left for my children and grandchildren. I don't
reject my history or use it to blame my life on its events.
I have taken every 'positive' step that I know to take.
My life is not perfect with its daily challenges
and heartbreaking moments. I have little money and no job.
I worry each day about how long this house will be
called home. I fight off thoughts of drunken drug escapes.
I keep a tightened grasp on the forgiveness
needed for the hate controlling those outside my door.
I know this day is mine. I see the daylight through
the cracks of my home made curtains. I have this moment
and that is all that matters. And the smile returns
from the inside out. The world is better
and it had to start with me.

The List

Sorting through the wreckage of my life to find the treasures of my past. I have not lived this long to be one that resorts to a mode of self pity just to survive. I have live this long because I wake up each morning being grateful for those little miracles. There are too many to mention in one sitting without writing a book. So I will go with this day's list in no particular order of importance - all make my day.

I am grateful for the freedom I wake up with every morning.
I am grateful for the ability to sit and 'see' the morning winter chrystals on the tree tops.
I am grateful for the opportunity to say good morning to my children and grandchildren.
I am grateful for my crazy mind.
I am grateful for the cold floor in the morning.
I am grateful for the earth medicines that I burn in a smudge each morning.
I am grateful to "be aware" how blessed I am.
I am grateful for the knowledge and wisdom of those gone before me.
I am grateful for this day - this new adventure.


And so there it is - always more to add and all just as important as the other. My day is never without challenge but it all plays out in a blessed way. I learn from everything I experience. And if I don't it usually is replayed so the teaching sticks. I stray from the positive mind and that is also a teaching I need. I cannot appreciate the good without knowing the so called 'bad'. My life has so many dark moments that were made darker the more I stayed in its memory clutch. Now, these experiences are all part of who I am. I don't search for pity for the darkness I endured. Nor do I use it as an excuse to 'not live my life'. I must admit there was a time when there was alot of shame in my life...shame for not having the power to protect others from the darkness and shame for not having the knowledge to find my way out of the darkness. But never did I blame or ask for pity. In a way, that was my problem. I took on alot of responsibility for events that were not mine or were unavoidable. Realizing I had a 'choice' was what saved me from existing in the darkness of my experience and saved my children from reliving the experience. I would rather my children and grandchildren inherit the mind peace and spirit strength to face their journey. And the only way I can contribute to that is to 'live' my life so they will experience 'the choice' I made. They have seen the darkness and they have experienced the beauty of living. They have a choice. That's the most important teaching I have ever received. Today, I choose to live my life with the eyes of a child and the maturity of my experiences.

************************************************************************
Bob Marley - Three Little Birds ( There are some songs that just have a way....)

This Moment Is Mine

There are days like these. Too many to count. I still have dreams and passions. Yet, society has put me on the shelf. I fulfilled the academic expectation to my best ability. I flew into the workforce wanting to be part of the solution. I raised my family to be independent and knowledgable. I kicked the crutches of alcohol and drugs. I forgave the monsters and hugged my enemies. I don't have a criminal record. I embrace my imperfections and use them to strengthen my passions. Yet...yet...I am still here the same way I was ten or twenty years ago. Still asking the same questions. Still hearing the same answers.

Every morning appears to be a new opportunity provided to me. I can make a change in a direction that will be different from yesterday. Then I am flooded with the reality of how much work it will take to achieve my dream or reach a goal. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be judgemental. I don't want to blame the white man, my mother, a politician, my children, my neighbor, the rich, the poor, the racist, or me. I just want to make my life mean something. I want my children to look back and be proud to say that was my mother. I want my grandchildren to walk with honor knowing I gave what I could to ensure they could carry on strength in knowing who they are.

The world will not know my name. My nieces and nephews won't even say my name. When the years pass that is all that matters. "Who will remember?"

There isn't much I can say about his day that is different from any other day. I can say I am giving it another try. I know my blessings. I am aware of the escape I have perfected. I live with smiles, love, and passion.

This moment is mine.

Being a Grandmother

I now have grandchildren. I was sixteen when I had my first child and was thirty three when I had my first grandchild. At both times I was afraid. I had a childhood with little adult direction. Most adults back then were lost and in pain. The children were like a gang family on the street at night when the parents passed out from the weekday party. I remember sitting on a step with some girls around my age, 7 or 8, and their siblings. We sat watching the falling stars and enjoyed the stillness - quiet - of the night. We laughed and held our little sisters and brothers while they slept. The sun would come up and uncover the reality of our world.

There is no bitterness or hate toward the adults back then. I did carry alot of shame for what I could not prevent and protection I could not provide for my siblings or even my mother. All I knew was it would be different and the pain would stop with me.

Becoming a mother changed something in me. My mind would revisit the city condemned white house I lived in as a child. I wanted the world to be different for my daughter. I knew enough to realize I had to be different. In some cases I see now I might have been a bit over protective and could have been more selective with my friends. Yet, it is that world that kept me safe when I needed. I stepped away and it wasn't easy. I left behind my friends and the life that sheltered all our pain. As semi-adults we now had families and had to grow up. I had to face the world without the crutch of drugs or alcohol. The bits of memory that had been locked away slowly began to seep into my day. Being a mother wasn't the challenge. Learning to be human with emotion was.

When my first grandchild was born I cried. It was amazing to watch as my baby brought to the world a little human. They both struggled for so long to meet each other. My world would forever be changed in this next season of my life journey. He had the right ammount of fingers and toes. His cry awakened something I couldn't recognize but it felt right. My daughter with her beautiful and forgiving heart was still scrambliing in her life to find her place. Her decisions were not based on her role as a mother but as a teenager. In my heart I believed it was my responsibility to step in where where the mother could not be. We battled back and forth fighting for who could care for him better. He cried and watched as we battled. Finally one day, a woman told me the story about the two women who fought over a baby and a king said to them he would solve it by cutting the baby in two so they could share. One woman said the other could have the baby because she did not want to see the baby hurt. The king gave her the baby. I understood. I stepped back with an aching heart and let my daughter keep my son in the chaos she was living. Within weeks she called and committed to letting me keep her son, my grandson. He has been with me since. I am close with my daughter and she has three more children.

In our traditional beliefs the grandmother plays an important role in the lives of the children. My children rarely had their grandmother in their lives. Just like I rarely had her in mine. So it was new to me but natural for them. I am a mother, grandmother, and woman. What a life I have been given. A clump of coal to diamonds story.

Bargain Hunting

The sky is pink...or is it light purple or maybe a bit orange. No matter, the sky is beautiful this evening. I spent the day searching affordable options to deal with some immediate concerns. I now have a vehicle, paid $500 for it, and it isn't the prettiest, quietest, or newest but its paid for and it gets me where I need to go. Today, I found a backyard mechanic to fix the brake pads. The little metal beast was squealing all over the city for the last two days. I called the shops and found this man on a local forum site. So it all worked out. Now to take care of the dryer. I took the back off but stop there when I seen there was a few more screws and backs that would need removing. A task for someone without a clue. I found another deal for a queen size mattress - $30 delivered. It is practically new but when i tried getting it to the upstairs bedroom I realized there is no way the bed is going to fit! So now I have a mattress and box spring sitting in my hallway. It will be going to my daughter. So it will be used. My other deal was a printer. I needed a printer for my daughters music sheets and my grandsons homework (homeschooling). So what do I find a free printer and she is willing to drop it off! I thank the lady and carry the little machine into the house and smile at the girls because of my little find. When i go to set it up....it is so old the connector is only for the computer towers and will not fit the laptop. So I have a printer. I have to be more specific with the wish list I send out into the air....a printer that I can use with my computer. Oh well, free leaves not much for complaining.

What would I do with my time if all these everyday adventures were erased with the sudden change of circumstance....like winning a lottery or inheriting some strange uncles pot of gold?

Being Alive!

The mornings are my favorite time of day. I love the feeling of coolness and quiet in the kitchen. The scent of brewing of coffee and sweetgrass smoke triggering childhood memories - those good memories.

This morning, I lay with eyes closed attempting to convince myself of the reasons why I should get up. No job. Goals lined in failed attempts. Broken dryer. Piles of laundry. Plans replayed and never realized. Promises made and not kept. Teenagers in drugs. Teenagers dropping out of school. Teenagers dropping back into school. My son calls me a hypocrite. My grandson tells me he hates me. My daughter isn't speaking to me. My other daughter is pregnant 'again'. Where did my son get that money last night? Were the police watching the house? He hates that I think that of him. My bed is broken. I am sleeping on the couch again - where my grandson wet in his sleep. I am gaining my weight back. I am afraid to exercise. I am afraid to take risks. I have many good intentions. I do more in my head than in my physical reality. I am still struggling to make ends meet. I dye my hair. I can't look in the mirror. My grandson barely knows how to read. The world will never know me. I will never know the world. How is my mother? My brother sent me sixty dollars. Will I lie to get money? Will I drink like that again? The closet needs cleaning. The window needs fixing. The door needs repairing. The screens need replacing. Can't avoid looking poor. The city is filled with racists with a voice. I don't have a job. I can smell the coffee. I can smell the sweetgrass. I can hear ...... the mornings are so beautiful. I am here. And no matter what I still care, want, need, plan, love, smile, and face the morning. I am grateful for all of it. That's what being alive means.

Changing Seasons

This time of year....when nature falls in colors and sleep overcomes...i feel sad. That is the only way, or simplest way I can explain how I feel. I love the changing seasons and the miracles that occur. Always different but always the same. A friend told me "it is a gift to feel the changes of mother earth". When I didn't understand what it was I was feeling I dreaded this time of year. Now I go with it. I feel it and everything slows down. I thank the relatives of earth for sharing the life and watch sadly as the way is cleared for a new year. Everything prepares to sleep. Nature's white blanket will soon be a reminder of the miracles that continue life. And when the spring melt and the first raindrop falls I will welcome the new year as we begin our life together again.

(Corny, yeah, but nature is sweet. Nature is violent. Nature is always changing. I love it all.)

....programmed into the brain where the spirit lived

it is time to register my teenagers in highschool and establish the schedule for my grandson's homeschool plan. i enjoy the creativity involved in putting the list of activities we will be taking on for the week or months. An important aspect of education is the social interaction. So much is learned in a conversation, an expression or body movements. Opinions are formed in conversations.

One plan was to get signed up for an autumn craft and art program at the gallery. I would also take advantage of the time there with a photography course. It is the move toward viewing the world in adventurous and possible ways. Well, I know I can't afford any of this without making small payments. So I had a pleasant conversation with the young woman taking on the greet and know of the gallery while the manager was away. I walked away feeling so great. The classes were set and the October youth craft bash promised to be educational and fun. The best part - our names were down and the payments could be made on the start date - which is the next time and only time in the month I would have money. So spending a few moments sharing smiles with a helpful humanbeing got the ball rolling for a positive move forward. "Not having money was not going to stop me from enjoying my life..."

Now, as the time draws nearer to the start date of the gallery programs, I decided to call to double check our registration and the exact amount that would be owed on the date agreed. Well, the telephone like the email, text etc...has damaged the already disfunctional act of communicating. Now I spoke with the manager. She sounded rough, older, and less interested in my excitement to start the programs. Dragging her voice she proceeded to inform me that the fees would need to be paid before they could confirm my enrollment. The financial aid program was not available ( I had not asked for financial I inquired about payment plan). " I have dealt with problems before so I cannot help you." So in a stuffy breath she made her decision in non chalance air....arrrrr. She flexed her power.

Why does it matter if the gallery won't wait for the fees or if we even take the program to learn, experience, create, communicate? It was just that moment of feeling like something we 'wanted' not necessarily 'needed' was unfolding in our favor. I had my teenagers excited a feat in itself expecially when they are more accustomed to disappointment. I felt like I had accomplished something. I did - I made the kids smile, talk, plan, and most of all - dream. Then because someone listened in the city....a communication between two people resulted in smiles, hope, confidence. Good feeling as the days went by and we knew we had 'that' day to look forward to. In a short technological line of black endless wire the words grated from her aged lips into a grinding echo that reached my ears, then my mind, my heart and my spirit. I waited in between the cold wire words for a moment she might soften and understand, trust, compromise, humanize. That moment never had a chance. She was like a robot. An answering machine programmed into the brain where the spirit lived.

Well, moving on. We always bounce back from these things. I just don't look forward to seeing the fade out of the little 'spark' that has been lit for the passed little while. They won't complain. They will nod and discuss other things. One of those things that was just in our grasp but was put there for someone else.

Let's Learn How to Make Money

Okay so i have been doing some reading or research on how to make money. The online resource is so vast this research could take up so much of my time I would never have time for anything else. So I am going to begin. First, what have I learned so far? I read over and over the best way to retire early is to start saving early. So when I was maybe 16 in my first job I should have been informed of the reality that tomorrow would require that I pay bills and the little paycheck could have accumulated over time and built a pretty good nest egg for these trying times. Well that didn't happen and I was never taught much about saving for tomorrow. So I am telling my children and helping them to begin their accounts on a steady basis so they will have something saved in the later years.

Okay, now the next thing I learned is that there are no quick get rich ideas out there that are 100% guaranteed.

Next, make money using what you already know and are passionate about. I like to create! I love to write! Not only do i come up with some great ideas i can also see it through to its fruition. So I guess the next step would be to start with a project that would also generate some income. then I would use that to invest in more materials. I should have a dollar goal that would allow me to put toward something that could generate more money. I have always like the idea of property investments and sustainable living projects.

I think the most important thing is to get started by reading as much as you can about the area of interest. Attend the free seminars that may be in the area and speak with others that are closely connected. And when in doubt scribble it on a piece of paper, read it remember the experience and toss the paper in the trash. Leave it there because doubt only clouds the inspiration to succeed that should be the thought each morning!

Now the reality! In a week my family and I are homeless. There is nothing I can do about it. I have done all that I can. So I surrendered to the idea that I cannot change this from happening but I am excited by the new journey. We'll do okay and in no time we will be back on our feet. My daughter had her first recital today. My son received 'the' phone call for a new job with higher pay and more hours. I have been asked to submit a manuscript of poetry. It will all work out. ALL IS GOOD AND THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

I screamed last night!

I screamed last night
to the god
in skies of blackened eternity
an icicle cry
with a forever tear.

I screamed last night
to the god
to awake a surrendering
heart.

a wave in an ocean
to drown my sadness
in the skies of blue warmth
a peaceful sigh
with endless faith.

Recession: Time Stands Still

In every news story, paper and online, strings of words attempt to describe or predict the path of the global economic crisis. There are references made to a crisis similar only to the 1929 Depression. Now, although this is before my time the thought of such a time returning is frightening to say the least. The only reference I have of this time is a movie I viewed recently, Cinderella Man. The struggles the family will endure to survive in a time when resources and opportunity are limited to a select few. Well....

Time stands still for those who have felt an economic crisis all their life. And until the rest of the population has resorted to third world conditions then that is when I certainly will be in dire circumstances-or dead. Time stands still and I do not feel the loss of 'things' I've never had or wished to acquire. What keeps me up at night is the thought that it could get worse than it is right now.

I named this blog Poverty Reality because of comments by others who assumed through observation that they knew what it was like to live in, be born into, poverty. For the most part, I use it for a vomit bucket for those sickening moments to avoid diving into a abyss of self pity. I had to, have to, sift through so many invading thoughts that may be destructive. I am trapped at the moment and that may be a blessing in disguise considering the events going on around us. I need to get a job but now the only jobs that would be offered to someone like me are taken by highschool students and would not pay for our rent. I have a degree but it barely gets my foot in the door now. If only I could have back the last ten years and keep my mind from this moment. Poverty RE ality....there may be an economic crisis tightening the pockets of stangers that have thrived on the industries of sickness, crime, violence, need, misery....but the pockets are still empty of those that have held the strangers up...the impoverished. Here at the bottom we help each other. We smile at each other like we know, we understand, we belong. A Have Not status that is forced on us by the changing trends - expectations and tolerance. WE cannot understand why children with bloated stomachs still spray the saturday afternoon television programming when one person can be worth billions. WE want to help but have little to offer and what is available to give is deemed worthless...pitiful. So we share our bread with our neighbor as we watch the headless bodies pass on street corners holding tight their loaves.

An opportunity to share, live, and wake without shame that is all.

Have to get out of this house Now! I am afraid. Somethings coming. Change? No. Reveal.

My Son Has A Job

Well he did it. It is the feat that has challenged everyone of us in the family - finding employment. It took two years but his resumes finally landed him a job for afterschool and weekends. I worry that it may effect his already stressed time for class assigments but I know he also "needs" things I can't get him right now. Never mind the list of wants. I hate the fact that I couldn't provide for him like his friends' parents. The positive is he will learn to find his own way in this world. Hopefully without the bitterness that the obvious inequalities of opportunity can create. He knows he will have to work hard and appreciate the bits that he recieves. Back to the interview, it went well and now he will be going in for training on Tuesday. He will be a cook in a nice little restaurant. It all works out in time. A couple years ago he said he was interested in becoming a chef. He is so excited. He is already making plans for his first pay cheque. That makes me smile. The first on his list is a sweater and supper with the family. I love my son. Even though he can sure be a challenge sometimes I love everything about him.

The reality of living with limited means tends to surface during tense situations. I had a few words with my son today. Is the time we have together worth spending even a second in anger? I know it bothers us that we "don't have" and we are just making it with very little. The stress of this can tear families apart. The main goal is to ensure these times do not fester into the following days. We are not a perfect family but anger is sure felt ten fold especially in the mist of hard times. He is downstairs right now kicking around a ball. A bit of a tense cloud above our home. Fits in perfect considering it is on the verge of the first snow of the season. Cold and raining grey day. Yet, it still seems like 'all is good and the way it should be'.
I think we all try to hard when comparing to the outside world. The Hollywood or even cartoon portrayals of family life influence the young minds and build unreal expectations. Having a dream is one thing but attempting to recreate fictional characters from a world where sickness finds miraculous cures or everyone has a job with pay enough for the bills, is just plain cruel. Happiness becomes based on something or someone 'not real'. For instance, the two parent family is the ideal in any scenario. Or having a family vacation is not unreasonable. But when those are not present and seem to the simplest in the 'dream', the bigger dream becomes less likely. My daughter wanted to study to be a pediatrician. She experienced the hardships and realizes it is possible but has let it slip even farther from her grasp because of the hardships. I wanted to be a published author. I let that dream sit for so many years that I feel it is farther and farther from reach. For my son, it has been over a year now since he has seen or spoken to his father. There is nothing I can do as a mother that will replace what is needed from a father. (I read back on this ramble and hope that it all makes some sense). Happiness an empty word and over used word until it is shared. I watched a very thought provoking movie a week or so ago...Into the Wild or something. A few words that stuck to me were, 'happiness is not real unless shared'. Wow. Simplicity. Yet, for some, a piece of knowledge that takes a lifetime to acquire.
Thanksgiving day tomorrow. We have the turkey and not much fixings but we are all just happy to have the family to share it with.I can't wait until the aroma of turkey and cake fill our home and we can sit together for another time. That is what it is all about. I have my family. And 'no' the second wasted on anger was not worth the minutes wasted dwelling. Food. I'll make my son something as a teaser for tomorrow's feast or a celebration for his new job. He has a kind heart and strong mind. High Fives all around to anyone and everyone starting a new job this week or any week for that matter!


Peace and HumanKindness

Life Passions

Today there is only one thought lingering in and out of my day so far....passion for life. This is so important. The dreams that excite you each morning. The butterflies that quiver the center of your being each time you think of reaching for more.

Today, all I have to do is believe I can have this in my life again. To be passionate about something, anything. I love to write. I love to create lines of my uneducated poetry, ranting maybe but still written thoughts...mind paintings. I love to wander into the life of a character in an unfolding script. I love to read the words of writers from centuries ago sharing emotions, fears, and realizations with the world and oblivious to the fact that these same words would be sitting in front of me .... in 2008! Amazing. A legacy. Their passion. I just want to keep this thought today.

Just hoping the power won't be disconnected anytime soon. Or the phone for that matter. Still looking for a job. Still writing down my ramblings.

'cursed with inherited sadness'