Faith

The Great Mystery. There is something called faith. No matter what life path they have chosen, faith stirs that spark of survival - the will to live another day.

.....its snowing out there

Listening to So Long Marianne by Leonard Cohen)

The snow has arrived and with the unpredictability of today's weather pattern no one knows if nature's blanket will remain or melt into the ground to expose the sleeping earth to its death. But what hasn't changed, and I don't imagine will ever change, is the excitement in the the little boy's voice as he jumps and proclaims "It's snowing!" As the world moves on its way around a little one there is little to deter the young mind from seeing the wonder and beauty in everything. No matter what the world is puking up. (I see that sentence and can't help but 'leave it'.) I read somewhere in the beginning of my studies in old dusty literature, too see the world as a child with mature innocense. The exact wording is not what sticks its the message it leaves that matters. I have been pulled into each morning with a slight ache of unfed desire for a life that I have never known. Then....sometime during that moment or sometimes when I am trapped in the illusion of my sleep ... I remember. Its my experience, my life, that is the innosence and my willingness to live it the best I can is the maturity.

Eat Pray Love

A night with my daughter led to diving into the movie Eat, Pray, Love starring Julia Roberts. I have been waiting to see this movie - attracted mainly by the title itself and ofcourse knowing Roberts will always deliver a worth seeing performance.

Verdict? It was enjoyable with a couple thought provoking moments. Honestly, I waited for "the moment" to happen. I felt a glimpse of what it would be like to be in Italy, the architecture, the food, the language, and the people. A travelogue with a few intimate flings to spice up the "find myself" journey. My favorite part is just the dreaming of being on the trip she was taking. Maybe that was the point. From the point of being numb and unexcited about life to exploring and expanding personal limitations to spark the life back into the day. I can understand that. I can appreciate that. But honestly, I expected more. Will watch it again. Just because I did expect more and feel jilted.

So, as for my life. I am confident with the day if I have faced it with a hint of passion. The days that scare me is when I see the end and all the in between is just that "grey filler" that means nothing because it will end when I end.

I went to the library yesterday and browsed the poetry anthologies for something that would jump out and awaken something in me. Taking out aged hard covered Elliot, crisp Atwood, and colorful names I had never heard of. Then, there she was, Anne Sexton Complete Poems. I had heard the name and wanted to explore more women authors. How did they handle their crazy. I continued the evening being a taxi and waiting in my little black bucket of bolts reading the introduction to Sexton's work. A history of a troubled sucidal woman who dared to spill her confessionals during a time when women's secrets were just that - secret. A natural flowing string of words devulging her love affair with death - specifically her own death. The scary realization is I relate to so much of her life and why she writes. She wrote to survive, to live, to stop from wanting to kill herself. I don't relate to the woman who walked with a barbie doll presence or the middle class view on the world. I relate to the loneliness and death that seemed to consume her days and led to her eventual suicide. I have walked with this cloud over me and survived with scars from my own attempts to escape my chaotic mind. But I did come out from that storm. I struggle each day to keep from drowning in my own mind. So I write.

Eat, Pray, Love....I guess that is a good start. I like the title. A morning cup of coffee, a plate of breakfast 'something', and cigarette while being an observer from my kitchen window. I may not have Paris today but I smiled. I smiled because I still feed. I still crave for candy apples and flavored coffee. I still yearn for the knowing only spiritual awareness can provide. I still can shed a 'real' tear when a child cries. I can still dream of being loved and sharing love. Yes. That's a good start for the day.
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best drink I ever had

I have these thoughts that I can achieve outrageous goals in a short time. Sometimes it works and other times I wake up and think "it will never happen". Well I am in that mode of making things happen so lets see what happens.

Alot of love and peace this passed weekend. Felt the energy of what was described to me as the 'sixties". Anything is possible! Just smile and watch the world change one person at a time. Open a door and feel the ripple turn to a wave of human kindness. Let the human spirit of kindness be the leader of the day. I live in the center of the despair of families without, youth left out, women kept out, children left alone...a poverty of the mind and spirit breeds misery and despair. There is so much fear and anger there is no place to escape to. So it only makes sense to face it head on and kick it in the ass....I sat with one man and one woman who lived in a shack that wasn't theirs. They have no job, no food, no money. Yet they have the most loving way they have chosen to live and share. We shared moments that were priceless. Life is simple. Living is the tough part. Live. Just live. Smile. Cry. but smile again. A four day fast without food or water....brought the teaching of humility and appreciation for those everyday things we take for granted...i drank from a horn with insects swirling in their swim and it was the best drink I had ever had.

Distant from the Being as Humans

And the World is in poverty now! A reality in so many ways. We have starved ourselves almost to death by disconnecting with our main life force 'the Earth'. It is only in the reestablishing our connection as allies of the earth can we save ourselves. I have watched documentaries and read articles that reflect a hint of hope for the human 'beings' even after all the damage that has been done. BP oil spill "murderer of the ocean". Mother Nature's wrath spreading her cleansing hands with wind, storms, and earth shakes. An unrest with the people as they confront their governments once again to protest the neglect and disrespect of the commonman's plight to survive. These are enormous issues that span the whole planet. Yet in the shadows are the those whose voice has been taken during the decline of their lives. Asleep in alleyways, feeding from backdoor bins, stealing a can meat from a corner store, hunting sick and poluted animals, serving affordable junk to their children, drinking colorful water, and still dreaming it can change atleast for the children. What now happens to those who have been born into poverty? This is the thought that stirs my need to stand up and gather all the information that is out there and say "lets do this!" Turn the information into knowledge through doing, and wisdom through living.

It is easy to say grow your own food if you have the tools and the experience.
So....provide the tools and experience. Share the knowledge in every community! Let it be the way it has to be. Every neighbor to have a healthy meal for themselves and their family. And for those carnivores well hunting is still a great way to feed "families". It is the pollution and sicknesses that is making it difficult to trust this old survival way. But protect areas to ensure the natural habitant is available is a start.

I have a wish list and one item on the list is like many other families..'a home' to call my own. I have done alot of research on the variety of alternative housing projects being developed around the world. I don't understand why it wouldn't be considered as an alternative on a wider scale for impoverished families. An energy efficient home where the one time bill comes only in the materials. A home built with renewable resources to cut the cost to more than half for the finished product. Not For Profit organization run by citizens of the rural/urban area with a goal to ensure every family has a home. A barter system or mortgage payment as an option to assist in securing the home for the individual/family. For example; the new homeowner will now share the new homebuilding skills with future homeowners and share in the building of a new home. There are so many positives that could come out of feeling you have something worth while to offer and also have the pleasure of seeing the product of your hard work. Training and education for the building of the home and the continue learning in areas such as gardening (community gardens for example). A committment by Governments for the financial support for the training and resources to fulfill this goal. When one considers the cost of services put toward government housing, financial aid, and the thousands of programs developed and redeveloped to feed and house the homeless, this would be an investment in more ways than one.

These are not new ideas. We have become distant from the "being" as humans. Not only have we disconnected from our life source but we have created armor around our lives so we will not feel the pain of the world. Hoping maybe just maybe it will get better on its own. It is not to say we don't have the heart..the spirit...to make a change. I only say it is time to put our differences aside and realize we are all One on One Earth. Our only real Home. What is here was meant to be utilized with respect and honour for its abundance and generousity. There is no need for one person to be hungry in this world today. There is no reason why those who desire a home should not have one. There is no need for a government that only serves its own agenda as long as we have our voice! It's our differences that have created the dark shame over human life.

Let's Learn How to Make Money

Okay so i have been doing some reading or research on how to make money. The online resource is so vast this research could take up so much of my time I would never have time for anything else. So I am going to begin. First, what have I learned so far? I read over and over the best way to retire early is to start saving early. So when I was maybe 16 in my first job I should have been informed of the reality that tomorrow would require that I pay bills and the little paycheck could have accumulated over time and built a pretty good nest egg for these trying times. Well that didn't happen and I was never taught much about saving for tomorrow. So I am telling my children and helping them to begin their accounts on a steady basis so they will have something saved in the later years.

Okay, now the next thing I learned is that there are no quick get rich ideas out there that are 100% guaranteed.

Next, make money using what you already know and are passionate about. I like to create! I love to write! Not only do i come up with some great ideas i can also see it through to its fruition. So I guess the next step would be to start with a project that would also generate some income. then I would use that to invest in more materials. I should have a dollar goal that would allow me to put toward something that could generate more money. I have always like the idea of property investments and sustainable living projects.

I think the most important thing is to get started by reading as much as you can about the area of interest. Attend the free seminars that may be in the area and speak with others that are closely connected. And when in doubt scribble it on a piece of paper, read it remember the experience and toss the paper in the trash. Leave it there because doubt only clouds the inspiration to succeed that should be the thought each morning!

Now the reality! In a week my family and I are homeless. There is nothing I can do about it. I have done all that I can. So I surrendered to the idea that I cannot change this from happening but I am excited by the new journey. We'll do okay and in no time we will be back on our feet. My daughter had her first recital today. My son received 'the' phone call for a new job with higher pay and more hours. I have been asked to submit a manuscript of poetry. It will all work out. ALL IS GOOD AND THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

Gathering Pieces

There are thoughts and feelings that pass through my mind each day that fight to be put down on paper, tapped on the keyboard or yelled out in ramblings. The twist and turns in my life since the age of two have left me in times of confusion and exhilaration. I get confused with the images of a childhood that seems so unreal compared to my life today. The exhilaration comes from knowing I survived and stepped out of a world that gives little opportunity for escape. I feel I am not the type of person to dwell on the past to avoid the present. I have taken all the pieces, and it took years to put together what I have, and placed them back into my life as a reminder of who I am. Like a broken plate the pieces were scattered and unidentifiable. At times I would select only a few pieces that I felt belonged. But every shaving became an important aspect of my growth and strength. If I rejected even the tiniest piece I was rejecting a part of myself. All my experiences in these forty years of life have made me who I am. The pain, the abuse, the loss, the rejection, and then the final arrival have all created the person that sits here today. It is like when I call myself by name after leaving some place I was visiting it is done to ensure I do not become lonely for a part of me I left behind and therefore may want to return to retrieve it. This is something I was taught during my travels. And I do not want to return to those places that had instilled such pain but to reject the experience would mean rejecting a part of me – incomplete, not whole, and lost. All is a reminder of who I am and a reminder of my blessings.

Life Passions

Today there is only one thought lingering in and out of my day so far....passion for life. This is so important. The dreams that excite you each morning. The butterflies that quiver the center of your being each time you think of reaching for more.

Today, all I have to do is believe I can have this in my life again. To be passionate about something, anything. I love to write. I love to create lines of my uneducated poetry, ranting maybe but still written thoughts...mind paintings. I love to wander into the life of a character in an unfolding script. I love to read the words of writers from centuries ago sharing emotions, fears, and realizations with the world and oblivious to the fact that these same words would be sitting in front of me .... in 2008! Amazing. A legacy. Their passion. I just want to keep this thought today.

Just hoping the power won't be disconnected anytime soon. Or the phone for that matter. Still looking for a job. Still writing down my ramblings.

'cursed with inherited sadness'