Lost

... Lost: Inspiration
May have dropped on a cement walk during a storm in the morning on Schit Street
A chance it will be found battered on Phucku Cres.
or trampled on Soulpimped Ave.

Inspiration will be of no use to anyone if you don't have the knowledge of how to operate.
***so please return to Emptyhead Industries on Fruit Road.

Reality

My son you stood in our doorway with a face covered with blood. My heart stopped and my world changed forever.

The List

Sorting through the wreckage of my life to find the treasures of my past. I have not lived this long to be one that resorts to a mode of self pity just to survive. I have live this long because I wake up each morning being grateful for those little miracles. There are too many to mention in one sitting without writing a book. So I will go with this day's list in no particular order of importance - all make my day.

I am grateful for the freedom I wake up with every morning.
I am grateful for the ability to sit and 'see' the morning winter chrystals on the tree tops.
I am grateful for the opportunity to say good morning to my children and grandchildren.
I am grateful for my crazy mind.
I am grateful for the cold floor in the morning.
I am grateful for the earth medicines that I burn in a smudge each morning.
I am grateful to "be aware" how blessed I am.
I am grateful for the knowledge and wisdom of those gone before me.
I am grateful for this day - this new adventure.


And so there it is - always more to add and all just as important as the other. My day is never without challenge but it all plays out in a blessed way. I learn from everything I experience. And if I don't it usually is replayed so the teaching sticks. I stray from the positive mind and that is also a teaching I need. I cannot appreciate the good without knowing the so called 'bad'. My life has so many dark moments that were made darker the more I stayed in its memory clutch. Now, these experiences are all part of who I am. I don't search for pity for the darkness I endured. Nor do I use it as an excuse to 'not live my life'. I must admit there was a time when there was alot of shame in my life...shame for not having the power to protect others from the darkness and shame for not having the knowledge to find my way out of the darkness. But never did I blame or ask for pity. In a way, that was my problem. I took on alot of responsibility for events that were not mine or were unavoidable. Realizing I had a 'choice' was what saved me from existing in the darkness of my experience and saved my children from reliving the experience. I would rather my children and grandchildren inherit the mind peace and spirit strength to face their journey. And the only way I can contribute to that is to 'live' my life so they will experience 'the choice' I made. They have seen the darkness and they have experienced the beauty of living. They have a choice. That's the most important teaching I have ever received. Today, I choose to live my life with the eyes of a child and the maturity of my experiences.

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Bob Marley - Three Little Birds ( There are some songs that just have a way....)

Eat Pray Love

A night with my daughter led to diving into the movie Eat, Pray, Love starring Julia Roberts. I have been waiting to see this movie - attracted mainly by the title itself and ofcourse knowing Roberts will always deliver a worth seeing performance.

Verdict? It was enjoyable with a couple thought provoking moments. Honestly, I waited for "the moment" to happen. I felt a glimpse of what it would be like to be in Italy, the architecture, the food, the language, and the people. A travelogue with a few intimate flings to spice up the "find myself" journey. My favorite part is just the dreaming of being on the trip she was taking. Maybe that was the point. From the point of being numb and unexcited about life to exploring and expanding personal limitations to spark the life back into the day. I can understand that. I can appreciate that. But honestly, I expected more. Will watch it again. Just because I did expect more and feel jilted.

So, as for my life. I am confident with the day if I have faced it with a hint of passion. The days that scare me is when I see the end and all the in between is just that "grey filler" that means nothing because it will end when I end.

I went to the library yesterday and browsed the poetry anthologies for something that would jump out and awaken something in me. Taking out aged hard covered Elliot, crisp Atwood, and colorful names I had never heard of. Then, there she was, Anne Sexton Complete Poems. I had heard the name and wanted to explore more women authors. How did they handle their crazy. I continued the evening being a taxi and waiting in my little black bucket of bolts reading the introduction to Sexton's work. A history of a troubled sucidal woman who dared to spill her confessionals during a time when women's secrets were just that - secret. A natural flowing string of words devulging her love affair with death - specifically her own death. The scary realization is I relate to so much of her life and why she writes. She wrote to survive, to live, to stop from wanting to kill herself. I don't relate to the woman who walked with a barbie doll presence or the middle class view on the world. I relate to the loneliness and death that seemed to consume her days and led to her eventual suicide. I have walked with this cloud over me and survived with scars from my own attempts to escape my chaotic mind. But I did come out from that storm. I struggle each day to keep from drowning in my own mind. So I write.

Eat, Pray, Love....I guess that is a good start. I like the title. A morning cup of coffee, a plate of breakfast 'something', and cigarette while being an observer from my kitchen window. I may not have Paris today but I smiled. I smiled because I still feed. I still crave for candy apples and flavored coffee. I still yearn for the knowing only spiritual awareness can provide. I still can shed a 'real' tear when a child cries. I can still dream of being loved and sharing love. Yes. That's a good start for the day.
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Being a Grandmother

I now have grandchildren. I was sixteen when I had my first child and was thirty three when I had my first grandchild. At both times I was afraid. I had a childhood with little adult direction. Most adults back then were lost and in pain. The children were like a gang family on the street at night when the parents passed out from the weekday party. I remember sitting on a step with some girls around my age, 7 or 8, and their siblings. We sat watching the falling stars and enjoyed the stillness - quiet - of the night. We laughed and held our little sisters and brothers while they slept. The sun would come up and uncover the reality of our world.

There is no bitterness or hate toward the adults back then. I did carry alot of shame for what I could not prevent and protection I could not provide for my siblings or even my mother. All I knew was it would be different and the pain would stop with me.

Becoming a mother changed something in me. My mind would revisit the city condemned white house I lived in as a child. I wanted the world to be different for my daughter. I knew enough to realize I had to be different. In some cases I see now I might have been a bit over protective and could have been more selective with my friends. Yet, it is that world that kept me safe when I needed. I stepped away and it wasn't easy. I left behind my friends and the life that sheltered all our pain. As semi-adults we now had families and had to grow up. I had to face the world without the crutch of drugs or alcohol. The bits of memory that had been locked away slowly began to seep into my day. Being a mother wasn't the challenge. Learning to be human with emotion was.

When my first grandchild was born I cried. It was amazing to watch as my baby brought to the world a little human. They both struggled for so long to meet each other. My world would forever be changed in this next season of my life journey. He had the right ammount of fingers and toes. His cry awakened something I couldn't recognize but it felt right. My daughter with her beautiful and forgiving heart was still scrambliing in her life to find her place. Her decisions were not based on her role as a mother but as a teenager. In my heart I believed it was my responsibility to step in where where the mother could not be. We battled back and forth fighting for who could care for him better. He cried and watched as we battled. Finally one day, a woman told me the story about the two women who fought over a baby and a king said to them he would solve it by cutting the baby in two so they could share. One woman said the other could have the baby because she did not want to see the baby hurt. The king gave her the baby. I understood. I stepped back with an aching heart and let my daughter keep my son in the chaos she was living. Within weeks she called and committed to letting me keep her son, my grandson. He has been with me since. I am close with my daughter and she has three more children.

In our traditional beliefs the grandmother plays an important role in the lives of the children. My children rarely had their grandmother in their lives. Just like I rarely had her in mine. So it was new to me but natural for them. I am a mother, grandmother, and woman. What a life I have been given. A clump of coal to diamonds story.

Cancer Scare

Ok so the day has begun like all others. I have my list of 'to dos' and a great cup of coffee to sit by me while I spill my morning thoughts into this 'space'. But there is one thing different today. I am entering a day without that grey cloud of worry. I try outrun it by keeping busy and staying focused on the positive. Then those moments just before my mind drifts into my sleep journey, I plan my last days. And when the morning sun drifts through my window the words 'thank you' bring in the new day. For many years I have had the same physical pains and concerns. I have had numerous tests, ultrasounds, scans and enough blood to keep a vampire harem in suspended bliss. Then that little thing they found on my ovary grew in addition there were now concerns about both ovaries and more tests. I refused to say these things out loud. I believe to say it would to give it life - strength. I could just think of my children and my dear grandchildren.

This day is different.

This passed summer I went to a spiritual ceremony. The sundance. A sacred time of prayers, songs, dance, and personal sacrifice. I danced and prayed. I prayed for my relatives. Those ones that are sick, lonely, homeless, hungry, lost, afraid, - all my relatives - all nations. I gave thanks and shed tears for the beautiful ways the ancients kept alive in our spirit memory. Pilamiya Tunkashila....I thanked the Earth, our grandmother who keeps us alive. I prayed we would take our place in the circle as allies to Unci Maka..Grandmother Earth. And with the time in my prayers I felt the prayers of my brothers and sisters, my relatives, that danced under the sacred tree and prayed for me.

This day is different. The prayers were carried and heard.

The results of my tests came back and my family doctor had to take a second and third look at my results. She read them back to me...negative...normal...negative...
That's good enough for me. I woke up this morning thinking about living my day the best I can. No fear. That was my real sickness. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. But this moment is mine.

Peace and Humankindness.

Distant from the Being as Humans

And the World is in poverty now! A reality in so many ways. We have starved ourselves almost to death by disconnecting with our main life force 'the Earth'. It is only in the reestablishing our connection as allies of the earth can we save ourselves. I have watched documentaries and read articles that reflect a hint of hope for the human 'beings' even after all the damage that has been done. BP oil spill "murderer of the ocean". Mother Nature's wrath spreading her cleansing hands with wind, storms, and earth shakes. An unrest with the people as they confront their governments once again to protest the neglect and disrespect of the commonman's plight to survive. These are enormous issues that span the whole planet. Yet in the shadows are the those whose voice has been taken during the decline of their lives. Asleep in alleyways, feeding from backdoor bins, stealing a can meat from a corner store, hunting sick and poluted animals, serving affordable junk to their children, drinking colorful water, and still dreaming it can change atleast for the children. What now happens to those who have been born into poverty? This is the thought that stirs my need to stand up and gather all the information that is out there and say "lets do this!" Turn the information into knowledge through doing, and wisdom through living.

It is easy to say grow your own food if you have the tools and the experience.
So....provide the tools and experience. Share the knowledge in every community! Let it be the way it has to be. Every neighbor to have a healthy meal for themselves and their family. And for those carnivores well hunting is still a great way to feed "families". It is the pollution and sicknesses that is making it difficult to trust this old survival way. But protect areas to ensure the natural habitant is available is a start.

I have a wish list and one item on the list is like many other families..'a home' to call my own. I have done alot of research on the variety of alternative housing projects being developed around the world. I don't understand why it wouldn't be considered as an alternative on a wider scale for impoverished families. An energy efficient home where the one time bill comes only in the materials. A home built with renewable resources to cut the cost to more than half for the finished product. Not For Profit organization run by citizens of the rural/urban area with a goal to ensure every family has a home. A barter system or mortgage payment as an option to assist in securing the home for the individual/family. For example; the new homeowner will now share the new homebuilding skills with future homeowners and share in the building of a new home. There are so many positives that could come out of feeling you have something worth while to offer and also have the pleasure of seeing the product of your hard work. Training and education for the building of the home and the continue learning in areas such as gardening (community gardens for example). A committment by Governments for the financial support for the training and resources to fulfill this goal. When one considers the cost of services put toward government housing, financial aid, and the thousands of programs developed and redeveloped to feed and house the homeless, this would be an investment in more ways than one.

These are not new ideas. We have become distant from the "being" as humans. Not only have we disconnected from our life source but we have created armor around our lives so we will not feel the pain of the world. Hoping maybe just maybe it will get better on its own. It is not to say we don't have the heart..the spirit...to make a change. I only say it is time to put our differences aside and realize we are all One on One Earth. Our only real Home. What is here was meant to be utilized with respect and honour for its abundance and generousity. There is no need for one person to be hungry in this world today. There is no reason why those who desire a home should not have one. There is no need for a government that only serves its own agenda as long as we have our voice! It's our differences that have created the dark shame over human life.

Living Art

Watching humans dancing
to the music of the earth song
smiling faces drumming with gum chewing vigor
toddlers swaying high and low
on wooden teeter tots
a teenage mother sitting
on side door steps
smoking a cigarette after
her lunch hour sandwich
a bearded man hidden age behind
pepper beard
four jackets for the seasons
and a loaf of bread from the uptown drop in
walking art
sleeping art
sad art
content art
terrifying art
childish art
x rated art
painful art
messed up art
human
walking
living
art...

Let's Learn How to Make Money

Okay so i have been doing some reading or research on how to make money. The online resource is so vast this research could take up so much of my time I would never have time for anything else. So I am going to begin. First, what have I learned so far? I read over and over the best way to retire early is to start saving early. So when I was maybe 16 in my first job I should have been informed of the reality that tomorrow would require that I pay bills and the little paycheck could have accumulated over time and built a pretty good nest egg for these trying times. Well that didn't happen and I was never taught much about saving for tomorrow. So I am telling my children and helping them to begin their accounts on a steady basis so they will have something saved in the later years.

Okay, now the next thing I learned is that there are no quick get rich ideas out there that are 100% guaranteed.

Next, make money using what you already know and are passionate about. I like to create! I love to write! Not only do i come up with some great ideas i can also see it through to its fruition. So I guess the next step would be to start with a project that would also generate some income. then I would use that to invest in more materials. I should have a dollar goal that would allow me to put toward something that could generate more money. I have always like the idea of property investments and sustainable living projects.

I think the most important thing is to get started by reading as much as you can about the area of interest. Attend the free seminars that may be in the area and speak with others that are closely connected. And when in doubt scribble it on a piece of paper, read it remember the experience and toss the paper in the trash. Leave it there because doubt only clouds the inspiration to succeed that should be the thought each morning!

Now the reality! In a week my family and I are homeless. There is nothing I can do about it. I have done all that I can. So I surrendered to the idea that I cannot change this from happening but I am excited by the new journey. We'll do okay and in no time we will be back on our feet. My daughter had her first recital today. My son received 'the' phone call for a new job with higher pay and more hours. I have been asked to submit a manuscript of poetry. It will all work out. ALL IS GOOD AND THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

Recession: Time Stands Still

In every news story, paper and online, strings of words attempt to describe or predict the path of the global economic crisis. There are references made to a crisis similar only to the 1929 Depression. Now, although this is before my time the thought of such a time returning is frightening to say the least. The only reference I have of this time is a movie I viewed recently, Cinderella Man. The struggles the family will endure to survive in a time when resources and opportunity are limited to a select few. Well....

Time stands still for those who have felt an economic crisis all their life. And until the rest of the population has resorted to third world conditions then that is when I certainly will be in dire circumstances-or dead. Time stands still and I do not feel the loss of 'things' I've never had or wished to acquire. What keeps me up at night is the thought that it could get worse than it is right now.

I named this blog Poverty Reality because of comments by others who assumed through observation that they knew what it was like to live in, be born into, poverty. For the most part, I use it for a vomit bucket for those sickening moments to avoid diving into a abyss of self pity. I had to, have to, sift through so many invading thoughts that may be destructive. I am trapped at the moment and that may be a blessing in disguise considering the events going on around us. I need to get a job but now the only jobs that would be offered to someone like me are taken by highschool students and would not pay for our rent. I have a degree but it barely gets my foot in the door now. If only I could have back the last ten years and keep my mind from this moment. Poverty RE ality....there may be an economic crisis tightening the pockets of stangers that have thrived on the industries of sickness, crime, violence, need, misery....but the pockets are still empty of those that have held the strangers up...the impoverished. Here at the bottom we help each other. We smile at each other like we know, we understand, we belong. A Have Not status that is forced on us by the changing trends - expectations and tolerance. WE cannot understand why children with bloated stomachs still spray the saturday afternoon television programming when one person can be worth billions. WE want to help but have little to offer and what is available to give is deemed worthless...pitiful. So we share our bread with our neighbor as we watch the headless bodies pass on street corners holding tight their loaves.

An opportunity to share, live, and wake without shame that is all.

Have to get out of this house Now! I am afraid. Somethings coming. Change? No. Reveal.

Who cares?

I can see why there are so many people who are just plain tired of hearing the hard luck stories. In a short time I will no longer be on this earth. I will be dust and all my struggles now just doesn't or won't make sense. I am a spec on a spec that only my family will remember for a couple generations. I can only hope that what I am doing in my life now will help make the world a better place for my children and grandchildren, enough for them to pass it on to their children and grandchildren. A mother's love is insane. Why is it we live our day to ensure the life of a little one yet to be born is safe? The insanity is when we forget to live today with out children before time steals the moments away and the children are adults.

I am clammering at the sides of the bucket trying to get a grasp to get me out of this before my life is done. Live. LIve LIve LIve LIve LIve. damn it . Live

My Son Has A Job

Well he did it. It is the feat that has challenged everyone of us in the family - finding employment. It took two years but his resumes finally landed him a job for afterschool and weekends. I worry that it may effect his already stressed time for class assigments but I know he also "needs" things I can't get him right now. Never mind the list of wants. I hate the fact that I couldn't provide for him like his friends' parents. The positive is he will learn to find his own way in this world. Hopefully without the bitterness that the obvious inequalities of opportunity can create. He knows he will have to work hard and appreciate the bits that he recieves. Back to the interview, it went well and now he will be going in for training on Tuesday. He will be a cook in a nice little restaurant. It all works out in time. A couple years ago he said he was interested in becoming a chef. He is so excited. He is already making plans for his first pay cheque. That makes me smile. The first on his list is a sweater and supper with the family. I love my son. Even though he can sure be a challenge sometimes I love everything about him.

The reality of living with limited means tends to surface during tense situations. I had a few words with my son today. Is the time we have together worth spending even a second in anger? I know it bothers us that we "don't have" and we are just making it with very little. The stress of this can tear families apart. The main goal is to ensure these times do not fester into the following days. We are not a perfect family but anger is sure felt ten fold especially in the mist of hard times. He is downstairs right now kicking around a ball. A bit of a tense cloud above our home. Fits in perfect considering it is on the verge of the first snow of the season. Cold and raining grey day. Yet, it still seems like 'all is good and the way it should be'.
I think we all try to hard when comparing to the outside world. The Hollywood or even cartoon portrayals of family life influence the young minds and build unreal expectations. Having a dream is one thing but attempting to recreate fictional characters from a world where sickness finds miraculous cures or everyone has a job with pay enough for the bills, is just plain cruel. Happiness becomes based on something or someone 'not real'. For instance, the two parent family is the ideal in any scenario. Or having a family vacation is not unreasonable. But when those are not present and seem to the simplest in the 'dream', the bigger dream becomes less likely. My daughter wanted to study to be a pediatrician. She experienced the hardships and realizes it is possible but has let it slip even farther from her grasp because of the hardships. I wanted to be a published author. I let that dream sit for so many years that I feel it is farther and farther from reach. For my son, it has been over a year now since he has seen or spoken to his father. There is nothing I can do as a mother that will replace what is needed from a father. (I read back on this ramble and hope that it all makes some sense). Happiness an empty word and over used word until it is shared. I watched a very thought provoking movie a week or so ago...Into the Wild or something. A few words that stuck to me were, 'happiness is not real unless shared'. Wow. Simplicity. Yet, for some, a piece of knowledge that takes a lifetime to acquire.
Thanksgiving day tomorrow. We have the turkey and not much fixings but we are all just happy to have the family to share it with.I can't wait until the aroma of turkey and cake fill our home and we can sit together for another time. That is what it is all about. I have my family. And 'no' the second wasted on anger was not worth the minutes wasted dwelling. Food. I'll make my son something as a teaser for tomorrow's feast or a celebration for his new job. He has a kind heart and strong mind. High Fives all around to anyone and everyone starting a new job this week or any week for that matter!


Peace and HumanKindness

Payday Loans

Okay I did it. I resorted to a payday loan. Almost a hundred percent interest and other charges! I hesitated for a moment but wanted to get food for the day set aside for Thanksgiving. Although I believe this day is everyday, this is a holiday that gives people the excuse to get to together and share a meal. So anyways, I borrowed 160 and will be paying back 257 or something like that. Insane I know considering I cannot afford to throw away the money. Desperation makes people, me, do weird things. I bought lunch supplies (healthy which is difficult to do at times) and a turkey. I will get the other stuff once I check out the sales. My son mentioned Oprah had a guest that was sharing a coupon saving idea to save money on groceries. I still haven't figured that one out yet. I would so so use any ideas to clip and save, maybe turn my fifty dollars into a hundred dollars worth of groceries. The next on my list is flour. The price on this item is unreal! But it can go along way. I can make bread, pies, cookies, and gravy. Well that's if I get the other ingredients.
My son checked on the applications and resumes he spread around the city. They are always advertising for job positions yet he gets no calls. This would be his first real job outside family friends. I love his enthusiasm I really hope he gets something. At times he seems discouraged and then he prints up a few more resumes at school and sends them around again. We know we don't have it so bad. But believe me we would like a break once in awhile. But who doesn't need one. WE are doing what we can with what we have. I wish those people out there that insist all "our kind" want is handouts would give their head a shake. I never wish bad on others that is because I know "it all works itself out in time". I am referring to some very bitter people who have criticized those of us who need to use foodbanks, casual labour, subsidized housing, low income healthcare programs. Some will say get off your butt and get a job and quit having kids. While another will say where the hell are the parents who are responsible for these kids. Yet another will say, what is wrong with the kids now a days they have no direction, respect, or morals. "They" criticize if you stay home with the kids to ensure a stronger future for them with direction, respect, and morals. They criticize if you work two jobs and have little time to supervise the children. Criticism all from the comfort of their ....oh never mind. Now I am getting myself mad. Not worth the time or energy. Gum on my shoe as I say ... Gum on my shoe..a nuisance. I am doing what I am doing and it is a tough way but I know and have lived to see the strength in my family and definate break in the cycle. That is all I wanted.

Peace and HumanKindness

Fast Forward

Ok so I am looking back at my recent writings and found a very depressing person. Although my life isn’t at its worst keeping my head together has been challenging. I guess I can say my first thought in my head each morning is ‘what can I do today to make our lives better?’ And what always comes to mind is using my skills to make money from home. That may include making ribbon shirts, dance outfits, tote bags, or what ever I can think of that may bring in a few dollars. As I am writing this I am overwhelming myself with thoughts of bills and family needs. The student fees for my teenagers haven’t been paid. The water utility bill hasn’t been paid. And basically I have $100 to buy groceries for four of us that will last three weeks. That I know I can do but leaving the bills unpaid creates more problems down the road.

Okay and another thing. I reviewed my intentions when I began this blog and realized although having readers wasn’t really the main objective, now if I had readers they may add some thoughts to how I could climb out of this life rut.

As for today, I am paying for my impatience with the healing of my foot. I worked 12 hour days and then came home to do running around for the family. I spent maybe 2 hours in the day resting my foot. Now as a result of not taking care of myself I cannot walk without a crutch and I feel drained when I do have to go out of the house. This only bothers me because if I am feeling drained I have no ambition to begin any projects to bring in those much needed dollars. I have my grandson with me and he needs my attention as well. Yet when I think of all this it is nothing compared to the blessings I feel the day has brought. I am still able to make choices and still have the opportunities available to me, although limited they are available. I will make the best of this day and fast forward my goals of changing this reality for my family.

Gathering Pieces

There are thoughts and feelings that pass through my mind each day that fight to be put down on paper, tapped on the keyboard or yelled out in ramblings. The twist and turns in my life since the age of two have left me in times of confusion and exhilaration. I get confused with the images of a childhood that seems so unreal compared to my life today. The exhilaration comes from knowing I survived and stepped out of a world that gives little opportunity for escape. I feel I am not the type of person to dwell on the past to avoid the present. I have taken all the pieces, and it took years to put together what I have, and placed them back into my life as a reminder of who I am. Like a broken plate the pieces were scattered and unidentifiable. At times I would select only a few pieces that I felt belonged. But every shaving became an important aspect of my growth and strength. If I rejected even the tiniest piece I was rejecting a part of myself. All my experiences in these forty years of life have made me who I am. The pain, the abuse, the loss, the rejection, and then the final arrival have all created the person that sits here today. It is like when I call myself by name after leaving some place I was visiting it is done to ensure I do not become lonely for a part of me I left behind and therefore may want to return to retrieve it. This is something I was taught during my travels. And I do not want to return to those places that had instilled such pain but to reject the experience would mean rejecting a part of me – incomplete, not whole, and lost. All is a reminder of who I am and a reminder of my blessings.

change the world one potato at a time

A very long day. Well, with a limp and a crutch I have been welcomed back to sort those spuds. They even set up a stool for me to rest on while I sort. I couldn't stay home. The money to be earned is needed and helping to make some ends meet.

There are huge storage buildings waiting to be filled and inspected by prospective buyers. Along the sidelines are the unwanted potatoes that will quickly find their way to the garbage. I continue in obedience, throwing small perfect roasting potatoes into a pile mixed with rotten and green spuds. I know even my family would love to have mashed, baked, fried, or boiled. I didn't say a word in protest. I did inquire about the potatoes and sent a quiet complaint of how it is such a waste when there are so many hungry people that could surely make use of the odd sized and unwanted vegetable. Poverty. Environment. Industry. Health. It is amazing how we will ignore the issues when we are in need. The immediate problems of putting food on the table and keeping the power on in the home always seems to be priority. How can the impoverished be proactive in addressing issues of environmental urgency or resource waste, when the thought of their child's empty stomach during school is the only motivator for the day? I care about the environment, the Earth. I care about those that have lived without and need a helping hand. I care. Period. But for today, I have to care about my family. There is no one in this world that has stepped forward to say "I care about your family". So it is up to me.

For now all i can do is send those positive vibes with each potato...peace and humankindness. Changing the world one potato at a time. Smile no matter what. Just for the hell of it.

rotten potatoes

The Vegetable sorting job is one of the worst jobs I have had. I have scrubbed inner city toilets, washed unknown chocolate colored smears off walls, and harassed families over the phone for money. Sorting potatoes is definitely in the running for worst job. Arrive before the sun rises and wait alongside the chain smoking grumpy old men. Then when your shift begins your spot of two feet in front of a conveyor belt spits out potatoes of all shapes and sizes. First you have to get over the nauseating motion sickness attributed to the fast forward of the potatoes while your eyes are darting in search of the rotten ones. Once you have survived the motion sickness without incident (up chucking breakfast over potatoes) the tiredness of standing begins to take its toll. The occasional glitch with the machine provides a short rest but usually means a longer sorting period with potatoes piled up in waiting.

Okay, the positive. I feel good knowing I am going to get a pay cheque. Funny. I go to school like I am told. I get a degree like I am told. I apply for jobs like I am told. I remain patient like I am told. My degree got me a job sorting rotten potatoes. Well actually, the degree wasn't mentioned, just a match of desperation meets desperation. They needed help asap and I needed a job asap. I works out some how. Another long day tomorrow, 7am to 8pm. We travel about an hour to work. I am scrambling right now to make enough gas to get there again tomorrow. Damn gas prices. If it wasn't out in the boonies I would walk or ride a bike (if I had one). Time to rest. These 'young' grandma feet are aching and my back is screaming. Best get some sleep or there is no way I will make the 12 hour shift.

Spirit Message

If you have wandered into this site, "welcome". I don't advertise or roam to much to grab attention. But when the attention does come so does the interesting questions and relationships.

I was just reminded of a reemerging message to everyone, us; no particular color, religion, or political stand needed, just an ability to listen. Those who 'know' will understand. There is a time when using what we 'know' will be the most important guide for survival. A spiritual war that began with a division of tribes that occurred during ancient times. During a time when the mysteries of today were not hidden but common knowledge and practice for everyone. The generations of distorted versions of history have attempted to erase all memory or knowledge of these times. A duty that has been passed down to ensure that the unfolding of goals emerge. These goals or ambitions are not in the best interest of those who cherish their freedom. A reawakening of genetic memory that will give rise to the knowledge that will reconnect our existence with our original ancestors for the sake of our survival. This is not a string of words open for debate. If you know then it will make sense. If you don't it is not my responsibility to convince you.

All is good and the way it should be.

potato potato potato

Gotta do whatcha gotta do when you gotta do it.
Well the up coming week will begin with an early
morning drive to an unknown farm to begin employment
as a "Vegetable Sorter". It is a short term job, but
this grandma needs to get a few things for the winter.
They figure we will have 10 to 12 hour days, alot of standing,
bending, and sorting of course. I hope my ankle holds up.
I actually look forward to actually making some money.
The bad habits already set in. I seen some used clothing
items for $40/bundle that I know would make my teenage son
very happy. I am using this weekend to make a couple of shirts for
my daughter. She gave me an idea of the type of styles she likes.
My task is to try make something similar without the 100 dollar price tag.

The leaves are changing color. Rain is cold.
The tap is dripping. And I have five dollars to
put in my gas tank. My son is applying for another job
at a grocery store. My grandson didn't complain
about the Mac and Cheese dinner I made him.
My daughter loves her Biology class.
Now there's just nothing to beat that kinda life - unfolding.

A step at a time. Just smile. Lift a hand when it is needed
Shed a tear when life hurts. Punch Air in the face when life
cheats. Tickle the world till it rumbles with laughter. Let
Tomorrow's mystery embrace you during stormy nights.
Never regret.
All is good and the way it should be.

Scary World We Have Created

Desperation

A news cast today spoke of two young girls that had assaulted a woman then took her purse. This happened in the evening. I don’t know the circumstances of the girls who resorted to violence for an unknown amount of money but it did make me think about what a person would do in times of desperation.

I sat with the thought of “how desperate would I have to be to resort to acts of violence to achieve or receive what I needed?” There were times in my life when I watched as others ate a meal as my stomach ached with hunger. I was too young to be given employment (legitimate), too young for the hostiles, and too old to be taken in by any of the social services. In those moments of real hunger I contemplated stealing. I would play it over and over in my head. A ten dollar bill could buy a bag of food to last me a week. It would help me stay awake during the day. I spent a lot of time sleeping where I could because of hunger or just plain sadness. Playing the whole assault in my mind always led to seeing a stranger hurt by my hand. Maybe someone also in need for their family and then I come along. I never could do it. This also made me angry. The hardest moments when I was convinced a certain stranger would deserve to have his world shaken by a violent theft. I am thinking of those who would literally kick you to the curb for just walking on the same sidewalk. Maybe they would learn or understand to some degree what it was like to have been told “you have the world at your fingertips” and then find out that was a lie. The decision not to resort to violence in this time of my life was based on a need that no amount of food or money could replace. The need to still look at myself without shame. The world looked at me with distaste but I knew one day, one day, I would taste the type of freedom they had so easily taken for granted. Only a certain few make it out or in.

Back to the two young girls. Today there are so many excuses for why violence is used. I believe desperation is still one of them but it isn’t the strongest motivator. A sub culture fighting for power in what ever way is now the key to survival. They have learned that if you don’t take it you will never have anything. I don’t think this is any different no matter what society or community. The young have just picked up on it and now are enforcing it. A scary world we have created.