My Son Has A Job

Well he did it. It is the feat that has challenged everyone of us in the family - finding employment. It took two years but his resumes finally landed him a job for afterschool and weekends. I worry that it may effect his already stressed time for class assigments but I know he also "needs" things I can't get him right now. Never mind the list of wants. I hate the fact that I couldn't provide for him like his friends' parents. The positive is he will learn to find his own way in this world. Hopefully without the bitterness that the obvious inequalities of opportunity can create. He knows he will have to work hard and appreciate the bits that he recieves. Back to the interview, it went well and now he will be going in for training on Tuesday. He will be a cook in a nice little restaurant. It all works out in time. A couple years ago he said he was interested in becoming a chef. He is so excited. He is already making plans for his first pay cheque. That makes me smile. The first on his list is a sweater and supper with the family. I love my son. Even though he can sure be a challenge sometimes I love everything about him.

The reality of living with limited means tends to surface during tense situations. I had a few words with my son today. Is the time we have together worth spending even a second in anger? I know it bothers us that we "don't have" and we are just making it with very little. The stress of this can tear families apart. The main goal is to ensure these times do not fester into the following days. We are not a perfect family but anger is sure felt ten fold especially in the mist of hard times. He is downstairs right now kicking around a ball. A bit of a tense cloud above our home. Fits in perfect considering it is on the verge of the first snow of the season. Cold and raining grey day. Yet, it still seems like 'all is good and the way it should be'.
I think we all try to hard when comparing to the outside world. The Hollywood or even cartoon portrayals of family life influence the young minds and build unreal expectations. Having a dream is one thing but attempting to recreate fictional characters from a world where sickness finds miraculous cures or everyone has a job with pay enough for the bills, is just plain cruel. Happiness becomes based on something or someone 'not real'. For instance, the two parent family is the ideal in any scenario. Or having a family vacation is not unreasonable. But when those are not present and seem to the simplest in the 'dream', the bigger dream becomes less likely. My daughter wanted to study to be a pediatrician. She experienced the hardships and realizes it is possible but has let it slip even farther from her grasp because of the hardships. I wanted to be a published author. I let that dream sit for so many years that I feel it is farther and farther from reach. For my son, it has been over a year now since he has seen or spoken to his father. There is nothing I can do as a mother that will replace what is needed from a father. (I read back on this ramble and hope that it all makes some sense). Happiness an empty word and over used word until it is shared. I watched a very thought provoking movie a week or so ago...Into the Wild or something. A few words that stuck to me were, 'happiness is not real unless shared'. Wow. Simplicity. Yet, for some, a piece of knowledge that takes a lifetime to acquire.
Thanksgiving day tomorrow. We have the turkey and not much fixings but we are all just happy to have the family to share it with.I can't wait until the aroma of turkey and cake fill our home and we can sit together for another time. That is what it is all about. I have my family. And 'no' the second wasted on anger was not worth the minutes wasted dwelling. Food. I'll make my son something as a teaser for tomorrow's feast or a celebration for his new job. He has a kind heart and strong mind. High Fives all around to anyone and everyone starting a new job this week or any week for that matter!


Peace and HumanKindness

Payday Loans

Okay I did it. I resorted to a payday loan. Almost a hundred percent interest and other charges! I hesitated for a moment but wanted to get food for the day set aside for Thanksgiving. Although I believe this day is everyday, this is a holiday that gives people the excuse to get to together and share a meal. So anyways, I borrowed 160 and will be paying back 257 or something like that. Insane I know considering I cannot afford to throw away the money. Desperation makes people, me, do weird things. I bought lunch supplies (healthy which is difficult to do at times) and a turkey. I will get the other stuff once I check out the sales. My son mentioned Oprah had a guest that was sharing a coupon saving idea to save money on groceries. I still haven't figured that one out yet. I would so so use any ideas to clip and save, maybe turn my fifty dollars into a hundred dollars worth of groceries. The next on my list is flour. The price on this item is unreal! But it can go along way. I can make bread, pies, cookies, and gravy. Well that's if I get the other ingredients.
My son checked on the applications and resumes he spread around the city. They are always advertising for job positions yet he gets no calls. This would be his first real job outside family friends. I love his enthusiasm I really hope he gets something. At times he seems discouraged and then he prints up a few more resumes at school and sends them around again. We know we don't have it so bad. But believe me we would like a break once in awhile. But who doesn't need one. WE are doing what we can with what we have. I wish those people out there that insist all "our kind" want is handouts would give their head a shake. I never wish bad on others that is because I know "it all works itself out in time". I am referring to some very bitter people who have criticized those of us who need to use foodbanks, casual labour, subsidized housing, low income healthcare programs. Some will say get off your butt and get a job and quit having kids. While another will say where the hell are the parents who are responsible for these kids. Yet another will say, what is wrong with the kids now a days they have no direction, respect, or morals. "They" criticize if you stay home with the kids to ensure a stronger future for them with direction, respect, and morals. They criticize if you work two jobs and have little time to supervise the children. Criticism all from the comfort of their ....oh never mind. Now I am getting myself mad. Not worth the time or energy. Gum on my shoe as I say ... Gum on my shoe..a nuisance. I am doing what I am doing and it is a tough way but I know and have lived to see the strength in my family and definate break in the cycle. That is all I wanted.

Peace and HumanKindness

Need (?) A New Computer

Well an interesting weekend. The positive...I was able to fit my foot into a sandle today. Celebration time come on! I missed my sandle. Anyways, I am typing on an old computer that took me two days to get online. It has very little memory and shut down when it pleases. A flashing thingy keeps coming up saying 'Low Disk Space'. The other computer I am told has a problem with the fan or something and maybe more. No matter what the cost attached to the needed repair I cannot afford it. I have $50 to last me two weeks. Or us I should say.
My son is resting this weekend from a fall during one of his skateboard moments. He walking with a limp also. My daughter is sniffling in the bedroom fighting a autumn flu and my grandson just fought a bout with something that prevented him from keeping anything in his stomach. My vehicle is wobbling all over the place when I "need" to drive it. I and my son had a laugh today about a free concert we wanted to attend. We would have had to travel three hours to the concert and also spend our money on gas. hmmmm we weighed our choices....concert? Food? Concert? Food? We new the answer but it was nice to think we had a choice.

Well I believe the world is crazy enough right now with all the elections going on that I will finally fit in. I must say it is quite the time for the U.S and Canada. So much damage and not enough will. Who will be the next to carry the burden ... the legacy ... the mess that has been created. No amount of money is going to introduce 'change' unless there is a will to change. And I don't think industry is ready for the type of change that is needed. Money. I wish I had some of the stuff but it sure makes people crazy.

Just some random thoughts for today. So if anyone reads this and has an old computer or better yet a million dollars...when a thousand will do...let me know. Smiling to myself right now and wondering when this computer is going to shut down. It is sounding a bit off. So I better quit jabbering.

Peace and HumanKindness

Fast Forward

Ok so I am looking back at my recent writings and found a very depressing person. Although my life isn’t at its worst keeping my head together has been challenging. I guess I can say my first thought in my head each morning is ‘what can I do today to make our lives better?’ And what always comes to mind is using my skills to make money from home. That may include making ribbon shirts, dance outfits, tote bags, or what ever I can think of that may bring in a few dollars. As I am writing this I am overwhelming myself with thoughts of bills and family needs. The student fees for my teenagers haven’t been paid. The water utility bill hasn’t been paid. And basically I have $100 to buy groceries for four of us that will last three weeks. That I know I can do but leaving the bills unpaid creates more problems down the road.

Okay and another thing. I reviewed my intentions when I began this blog and realized although having readers wasn’t really the main objective, now if I had readers they may add some thoughts to how I could climb out of this life rut.

As for today, I am paying for my impatience with the healing of my foot. I worked 12 hour days and then came home to do running around for the family. I spent maybe 2 hours in the day resting my foot. Now as a result of not taking care of myself I cannot walk without a crutch and I feel drained when I do have to go out of the house. This only bothers me because if I am feeling drained I have no ambition to begin any projects to bring in those much needed dollars. I have my grandson with me and he needs my attention as well. Yet when I think of all this it is nothing compared to the blessings I feel the day has brought. I am still able to make choices and still have the opportunities available to me, although limited they are available. I will make the best of this day and fast forward my goals of changing this reality for my family.

Gathering Pieces

There are thoughts and feelings that pass through my mind each day that fight to be put down on paper, tapped on the keyboard or yelled out in ramblings. The twist and turns in my life since the age of two have left me in times of confusion and exhilaration. I get confused with the images of a childhood that seems so unreal compared to my life today. The exhilaration comes from knowing I survived and stepped out of a world that gives little opportunity for escape. I feel I am not the type of person to dwell on the past to avoid the present. I have taken all the pieces, and it took years to put together what I have, and placed them back into my life as a reminder of who I am. Like a broken plate the pieces were scattered and unidentifiable. At times I would select only a few pieces that I felt belonged. But every shaving became an important aspect of my growth and strength. If I rejected even the tiniest piece I was rejecting a part of myself. All my experiences in these forty years of life have made me who I am. The pain, the abuse, the loss, the rejection, and then the final arrival have all created the person that sits here today. It is like when I call myself by name after leaving some place I was visiting it is done to ensure I do not become lonely for a part of me I left behind and therefore may want to return to retrieve it. This is something I was taught during my travels. And I do not want to return to those places that had instilled such pain but to reject the experience would mean rejecting a part of me – incomplete, not whole, and lost. All is a reminder of who I am and a reminder of my blessings.