Recession: Time Stands Still

In every news story, paper and online, strings of words attempt to describe or predict the path of the global economic crisis. There are references made to a crisis similar only to the 1929 Depression. Now, although this is before my time the thought of such a time returning is frightening to say the least. The only reference I have of this time is a movie I viewed recently, Cinderella Man. The struggles the family will endure to survive in a time when resources and opportunity are limited to a select few. Well....

Time stands still for those who have felt an economic crisis all their life. And until the rest of the population has resorted to third world conditions then that is when I certainly will be in dire circumstances-or dead. Time stands still and I do not feel the loss of 'things' I've never had or wished to acquire. What keeps me up at night is the thought that it could get worse than it is right now.

I named this blog Poverty Reality because of comments by others who assumed through observation that they knew what it was like to live in, be born into, poverty. For the most part, I use it for a vomit bucket for those sickening moments to avoid diving into a abyss of self pity. I had to, have to, sift through so many invading thoughts that may be destructive. I am trapped at the moment and that may be a blessing in disguise considering the events going on around us. I need to get a job but now the only jobs that would be offered to someone like me are taken by highschool students and would not pay for our rent. I have a degree but it barely gets my foot in the door now. If only I could have back the last ten years and keep my mind from this moment. Poverty RE ality....there may be an economic crisis tightening the pockets of stangers that have thrived on the industries of sickness, crime, violence, need, misery....but the pockets are still empty of those that have held the strangers up...the impoverished. Here at the bottom we help each other. We smile at each other like we know, we understand, we belong. A Have Not status that is forced on us by the changing trends - expectations and tolerance. WE cannot understand why children with bloated stomachs still spray the saturday afternoon television programming when one person can be worth billions. WE want to help but have little to offer and what is available to give is deemed worthless...pitiful. So we share our bread with our neighbor as we watch the headless bodies pass on street corners holding tight their loaves.

An opportunity to share, live, and wake without shame that is all.

Have to get out of this house Now! I am afraid. Somethings coming. Change? No. Reveal.

Who cares?

I can see why there are so many people who are just plain tired of hearing the hard luck stories. In a short time I will no longer be on this earth. I will be dust and all my struggles now just doesn't or won't make sense. I am a spec on a spec that only my family will remember for a couple generations. I can only hope that what I am doing in my life now will help make the world a better place for my children and grandchildren, enough for them to pass it on to their children and grandchildren. A mother's love is insane. Why is it we live our day to ensure the life of a little one yet to be born is safe? The insanity is when we forget to live today with out children before time steals the moments away and the children are adults.

I am clammering at the sides of the bucket trying to get a grasp to get me out of this before my life is done. Live. LIve LIve LIve LIve LIve. damn it . Live

My Son Has A Job

Well he did it. It is the feat that has challenged everyone of us in the family - finding employment. It took two years but his resumes finally landed him a job for afterschool and weekends. I worry that it may effect his already stressed time for class assigments but I know he also "needs" things I can't get him right now. Never mind the list of wants. I hate the fact that I couldn't provide for him like his friends' parents. The positive is he will learn to find his own way in this world. Hopefully without the bitterness that the obvious inequalities of opportunity can create. He knows he will have to work hard and appreciate the bits that he recieves. Back to the interview, it went well and now he will be going in for training on Tuesday. He will be a cook in a nice little restaurant. It all works out in time. A couple years ago he said he was interested in becoming a chef. He is so excited. He is already making plans for his first pay cheque. That makes me smile. The first on his list is a sweater and supper with the family. I love my son. Even though he can sure be a challenge sometimes I love everything about him.

The reality of living with limited means tends to surface during tense situations. I had a few words with my son today. Is the time we have together worth spending even a second in anger? I know it bothers us that we "don't have" and we are just making it with very little. The stress of this can tear families apart. The main goal is to ensure these times do not fester into the following days. We are not a perfect family but anger is sure felt ten fold especially in the mist of hard times. He is downstairs right now kicking around a ball. A bit of a tense cloud above our home. Fits in perfect considering it is on the verge of the first snow of the season. Cold and raining grey day. Yet, it still seems like 'all is good and the way it should be'.
I think we all try to hard when comparing to the outside world. The Hollywood or even cartoon portrayals of family life influence the young minds and build unreal expectations. Having a dream is one thing but attempting to recreate fictional characters from a world where sickness finds miraculous cures or everyone has a job with pay enough for the bills, is just plain cruel. Happiness becomes based on something or someone 'not real'. For instance, the two parent family is the ideal in any scenario. Or having a family vacation is not unreasonable. But when those are not present and seem to the simplest in the 'dream', the bigger dream becomes less likely. My daughter wanted to study to be a pediatrician. She experienced the hardships and realizes it is possible but has let it slip even farther from her grasp because of the hardships. I wanted to be a published author. I let that dream sit for so many years that I feel it is farther and farther from reach. For my son, it has been over a year now since he has seen or spoken to his father. There is nothing I can do as a mother that will replace what is needed from a father. (I read back on this ramble and hope that it all makes some sense). Happiness an empty word and over used word until it is shared. I watched a very thought provoking movie a week or so ago...Into the Wild or something. A few words that stuck to me were, 'happiness is not real unless shared'. Wow. Simplicity. Yet, for some, a piece of knowledge that takes a lifetime to acquire.
Thanksgiving day tomorrow. We have the turkey and not much fixings but we are all just happy to have the family to share it with.I can't wait until the aroma of turkey and cake fill our home and we can sit together for another time. That is what it is all about. I have my family. And 'no' the second wasted on anger was not worth the minutes wasted dwelling. Food. I'll make my son something as a teaser for tomorrow's feast or a celebration for his new job. He has a kind heart and strong mind. High Fives all around to anyone and everyone starting a new job this week or any week for that matter!


Peace and HumanKindness

Payday Loans

Okay I did it. I resorted to a payday loan. Almost a hundred percent interest and other charges! I hesitated for a moment but wanted to get food for the day set aside for Thanksgiving. Although I believe this day is everyday, this is a holiday that gives people the excuse to get to together and share a meal. So anyways, I borrowed 160 and will be paying back 257 or something like that. Insane I know considering I cannot afford to throw away the money. Desperation makes people, me, do weird things. I bought lunch supplies (healthy which is difficult to do at times) and a turkey. I will get the other stuff once I check out the sales. My son mentioned Oprah had a guest that was sharing a coupon saving idea to save money on groceries. I still haven't figured that one out yet. I would so so use any ideas to clip and save, maybe turn my fifty dollars into a hundred dollars worth of groceries. The next on my list is flour. The price on this item is unreal! But it can go along way. I can make bread, pies, cookies, and gravy. Well that's if I get the other ingredients.
My son checked on the applications and resumes he spread around the city. They are always advertising for job positions yet he gets no calls. This would be his first real job outside family friends. I love his enthusiasm I really hope he gets something. At times he seems discouraged and then he prints up a few more resumes at school and sends them around again. We know we don't have it so bad. But believe me we would like a break once in awhile. But who doesn't need one. WE are doing what we can with what we have. I wish those people out there that insist all "our kind" want is handouts would give their head a shake. I never wish bad on others that is because I know "it all works itself out in time". I am referring to some very bitter people who have criticized those of us who need to use foodbanks, casual labour, subsidized housing, low income healthcare programs. Some will say get off your butt and get a job and quit having kids. While another will say where the hell are the parents who are responsible for these kids. Yet another will say, what is wrong with the kids now a days they have no direction, respect, or morals. "They" criticize if you stay home with the kids to ensure a stronger future for them with direction, respect, and morals. They criticize if you work two jobs and have little time to supervise the children. Criticism all from the comfort of their ....oh never mind. Now I am getting myself mad. Not worth the time or energy. Gum on my shoe as I say ... Gum on my shoe..a nuisance. I am doing what I am doing and it is a tough way but I know and have lived to see the strength in my family and definate break in the cycle. That is all I wanted.

Peace and HumanKindness

Need (?) A New Computer

Well an interesting weekend. The positive...I was able to fit my foot into a sandle today. Celebration time come on! I missed my sandle. Anyways, I am typing on an old computer that took me two days to get online. It has very little memory and shut down when it pleases. A flashing thingy keeps coming up saying 'Low Disk Space'. The other computer I am told has a problem with the fan or something and maybe more. No matter what the cost attached to the needed repair I cannot afford it. I have $50 to last me two weeks. Or us I should say.
My son is resting this weekend from a fall during one of his skateboard moments. He walking with a limp also. My daughter is sniffling in the bedroom fighting a autumn flu and my grandson just fought a bout with something that prevented him from keeping anything in his stomach. My vehicle is wobbling all over the place when I "need" to drive it. I and my son had a laugh today about a free concert we wanted to attend. We would have had to travel three hours to the concert and also spend our money on gas. hmmmm we weighed our choices....concert? Food? Concert? Food? We new the answer but it was nice to think we had a choice.

Well I believe the world is crazy enough right now with all the elections going on that I will finally fit in. I must say it is quite the time for the U.S and Canada. So much damage and not enough will. Who will be the next to carry the burden ... the legacy ... the mess that has been created. No amount of money is going to introduce 'change' unless there is a will to change. And I don't think industry is ready for the type of change that is needed. Money. I wish I had some of the stuff but it sure makes people crazy.

Just some random thoughts for today. So if anyone reads this and has an old computer or better yet a million dollars...when a thousand will do...let me know. Smiling to myself right now and wondering when this computer is going to shut down. It is sounding a bit off. So I better quit jabbering.

Peace and HumanKindness

Fast Forward

Ok so I am looking back at my recent writings and found a very depressing person. Although my life isn’t at its worst keeping my head together has been challenging. I guess I can say my first thought in my head each morning is ‘what can I do today to make our lives better?’ And what always comes to mind is using my skills to make money from home. That may include making ribbon shirts, dance outfits, tote bags, or what ever I can think of that may bring in a few dollars. As I am writing this I am overwhelming myself with thoughts of bills and family needs. The student fees for my teenagers haven’t been paid. The water utility bill hasn’t been paid. And basically I have $100 to buy groceries for four of us that will last three weeks. That I know I can do but leaving the bills unpaid creates more problems down the road.

Okay and another thing. I reviewed my intentions when I began this blog and realized although having readers wasn’t really the main objective, now if I had readers they may add some thoughts to how I could climb out of this life rut.

As for today, I am paying for my impatience with the healing of my foot. I worked 12 hour days and then came home to do running around for the family. I spent maybe 2 hours in the day resting my foot. Now as a result of not taking care of myself I cannot walk without a crutch and I feel drained when I do have to go out of the house. This only bothers me because if I am feeling drained I have no ambition to begin any projects to bring in those much needed dollars. I have my grandson with me and he needs my attention as well. Yet when I think of all this it is nothing compared to the blessings I feel the day has brought. I am still able to make choices and still have the opportunities available to me, although limited they are available. I will make the best of this day and fast forward my goals of changing this reality for my family.

Gathering Pieces

There are thoughts and feelings that pass through my mind each day that fight to be put down on paper, tapped on the keyboard or yelled out in ramblings. The twist and turns in my life since the age of two have left me in times of confusion and exhilaration. I get confused with the images of a childhood that seems so unreal compared to my life today. The exhilaration comes from knowing I survived and stepped out of a world that gives little opportunity for escape. I feel I am not the type of person to dwell on the past to avoid the present. I have taken all the pieces, and it took years to put together what I have, and placed them back into my life as a reminder of who I am. Like a broken plate the pieces were scattered and unidentifiable. At times I would select only a few pieces that I felt belonged. But every shaving became an important aspect of my growth and strength. If I rejected even the tiniest piece I was rejecting a part of myself. All my experiences in these forty years of life have made me who I am. The pain, the abuse, the loss, the rejection, and then the final arrival have all created the person that sits here today. It is like when I call myself by name after leaving some place I was visiting it is done to ensure I do not become lonely for a part of me I left behind and therefore may want to return to retrieve it. This is something I was taught during my travels. And I do not want to return to those places that had instilled such pain but to reject the experience would mean rejecting a part of me – incomplete, not whole, and lost. All is a reminder of who I am and a reminder of my blessings.

The Dead Will Rise

Feeling sorry for myself today. I tried to put together an entry but after almost three pages I realized it was all whining. My foot didn't heal quick enough to save the job. I attempted to work with the fractured foot but the healing was taking longer from the 12 hour days. My daughter helped me out by lending me her bill money for food. Payday was yesterday for the other workers and the employer won't answer my calls. My paycheck would be such a blessing today. I will not cry today. I will keep my head up and enjoy the day while I work on my long term goals and put together the short term plans to keep me sane and the family fed. All is good and the way it should be.
I wish I could afford just a small portion of land that this farm had. I would grow what I needed for my family and share food or portions of the land for others to grow their own. I would live simply and love it. The only thing....hahaha...could I survive without the internet. Technological dependencies still creep into my life.
I did ask about the potatoes that were being thrown out and perfectly good for a family to use for a meal or two. The response was not enthusiastic. Long story short I would have to sneak in and sort through the piles before they would let them go. I even volunteered to sort. But no go. I really think it made me sick to throw the food out when I knew my family and other families were hungry that day.

The reality of those dark corners of life "people like me" are forced to live in also shows itself in our children. "We" struggle to keep the ugliness from our children even if it is all around us. I said the other day, I can't keep my children from the bad but I can teach them to survive in it. My son likes the skateboard he puts together his own from other broken ones. My daughter plays the piano. We saved up and bought her one five years ago and she still has it in great shape. She is taking lessons from an retired music teacher who charges only $3 a session or less just to keep my daughter going. To some these are unnecessary items or costs but to me this is part of the survival. Not only is it keeping their interests alive but also keeping them away from being pulled into gangs or worse. I had a visitor yesterday seeking temporary refuge from a highway escape across the country. A relative who had also clawed her way from the clutches of street life. She wanted to be a nurse. She did it. In the mean time the lack of support for a single mother away from home left her children in the hands of schools and gangs. the latter won. Now, in search of safety and a new start (again) she expressed how tired she is and cried with fear of giving up. Her 11 year old son was terribly assaulted by her older son. Pure evil so close to home. The abuser recognized the behavior as a retaliation against the monster who preyed on him during his childhood. A cycle of evil that is getting smarter and smarter with each generation. My visitor was escaping her own son to protect the younger children. The best way to survive in this world is to keep moving. Don't stop. Keep going - somewhere.

An old man over twenty years ago shared with me that the signs of importance to watch for included events such as water will be sold in stores, the dead will rise, and a strong wind will come from the east. He hasn't been wrong yet. The dead will rise can be taken in so many ways, from the fossils and mummified bodies that are being discovered to the violence that is rising in hearts of the young as the passed abuses manifest itself. This is a storm we must go through. There is no avoiding it or easy way around it.

Peace and Humankindness

change the world one potato at a time

A very long day. Well, with a limp and a crutch I have been welcomed back to sort those spuds. They even set up a stool for me to rest on while I sort. I couldn't stay home. The money to be earned is needed and helping to make some ends meet.

There are huge storage buildings waiting to be filled and inspected by prospective buyers. Along the sidelines are the unwanted potatoes that will quickly find their way to the garbage. I continue in obedience, throwing small perfect roasting potatoes into a pile mixed with rotten and green spuds. I know even my family would love to have mashed, baked, fried, or boiled. I didn't say a word in protest. I did inquire about the potatoes and sent a quiet complaint of how it is such a waste when there are so many hungry people that could surely make use of the odd sized and unwanted vegetable. Poverty. Environment. Industry. Health. It is amazing how we will ignore the issues when we are in need. The immediate problems of putting food on the table and keeping the power on in the home always seems to be priority. How can the impoverished be proactive in addressing issues of environmental urgency or resource waste, when the thought of their child's empty stomach during school is the only motivator for the day? I care about the environment, the Earth. I care about those that have lived without and need a helping hand. I care. Period. But for today, I have to care about my family. There is no one in this world that has stepped forward to say "I care about your family". So it is up to me.

For now all i can do is send those positive vibes with each potato...peace and humankindness. Changing the world one potato at a time. Smile no matter what. Just for the hell of it.

Now what!?

Well I finished the shift today. It was a long and very cold day. People are always saying be careful what you wish for you just might get it. Well I had many moments today when I wished I could be home in bed. And this evening as I was leaving my daughter's home I tripped and fell onto the cement. I swore i heard a crack. Without any real concern shown from my darling children I hobbled to the shower fighting back tears. I asked for a break and got it. Long story short I took myself to the emergency room and was told I cracked a bone in my foot. I will be hobbling for awhile. Stay off your feet the Doc says. No matter how I look at it there is no avoiding standing on my feet for the job. I have to quit. So much for the extra income. So much for feeling a bit of relief. I am so fricken used to disappointment yet I still don't like it one bit! I could limp and just keep the weight on the opposite leg. I have to avoid the supervisors or they will surely tell me to leave. Damn my foot hurts...aches. to top it off the Doc who tended to me in the emergency room asked about my employ and what i did..."sort the potatos and what about the unwanted imperfect potatoes what do they do with them? Could feed alot of people those little potatoes that are tossed." Guilt...I knew this but this goes into the topic of how poverty contributes to other issues of environmental impact and social complacency. So many potatoes. I can still smell the earth and hear the hollow clang against the sides of the potato shoot. Another experience. No fair. but all is good and the way it should be....just have to see it.

Special French Fry

Now this is how it feels to really earn your money! Yet it feels great. Another dollar day to take to the bank. I have to ignore all the chaos at home right now. That is what usually prevents me from either completing or enjoying the experience.

Anyways another 12 hour shift. They even expected more time from us. No way! I have a family and I was on the verge of puking dinner and missing my family. My feet are tingling and my back is numb. I am going back for more in the morning. The crew I am with all seem to have built a bit of loyalty to the farm we are working for. they want to help them get the crop done before it is too cold and wet. That is when they all go to waste.

What do I do. The same weird me. I say watch the fries the next time you sit down to snack on the delicious potato. It just might be one of those special potatoes that passed beneath my finger tips and was sent wishes of happiness, humankindness, and peace. HaHaha....special fries with blessings. oh well gotta find something to laugh about no matter what you do.

Laugh today and eat a fry....:)

rotten potatoes two

Well I did it. I made the 12 hour shift. The day went by fast until that last thirty minutes. My feet were burning and my back began its wail again. Yet....I still felt so good to have a job. They gave me an advance so I could make sure I had enough fuel to travel back and forth. I also used it for school lunches. We feel rich! I am sooooo tired but we have food and school lunches. That's what matters right now.
Another grueling stand to do tomorrow but this time only 10 hours. I met a woman who grows Saskatoons and has a summer upick. I asked her to bring some next week during payday so I could buy some and make pie. MMMMMMM

If you can make a difference in someone's life. Give them a job if you have one to give. Buy two coffees, one for you and another for a stranger. I don't know there are so many things a person can do just to make this world shrink a bit and take notice of the individual.

Well got to have to must go to bed. I am typing with my eyes closed...:)

rotten potatoes

The Vegetable sorting job is one of the worst jobs I have had. I have scrubbed inner city toilets, washed unknown chocolate colored smears off walls, and harassed families over the phone for money. Sorting potatoes is definitely in the running for worst job. Arrive before the sun rises and wait alongside the chain smoking grumpy old men. Then when your shift begins your spot of two feet in front of a conveyor belt spits out potatoes of all shapes and sizes. First you have to get over the nauseating motion sickness attributed to the fast forward of the potatoes while your eyes are darting in search of the rotten ones. Once you have survived the motion sickness without incident (up chucking breakfast over potatoes) the tiredness of standing begins to take its toll. The occasional glitch with the machine provides a short rest but usually means a longer sorting period with potatoes piled up in waiting.

Okay, the positive. I feel good knowing I am going to get a pay cheque. Funny. I go to school like I am told. I get a degree like I am told. I apply for jobs like I am told. I remain patient like I am told. My degree got me a job sorting rotten potatoes. Well actually, the degree wasn't mentioned, just a match of desperation meets desperation. They needed help asap and I needed a job asap. I works out some how. Another long day tomorrow, 7am to 8pm. We travel about an hour to work. I am scrambling right now to make enough gas to get there again tomorrow. Damn gas prices. If it wasn't out in the boonies I would walk or ride a bike (if I had one). Time to rest. These 'young' grandma feet are aching and my back is screaming. Best get some sleep or there is no way I will make the 12 hour shift.

Spirit Message

If you have wandered into this site, "welcome". I don't advertise or roam to much to grab attention. But when the attention does come so does the interesting questions and relationships.

I was just reminded of a reemerging message to everyone, us; no particular color, religion, or political stand needed, just an ability to listen. Those who 'know' will understand. There is a time when using what we 'know' will be the most important guide for survival. A spiritual war that began with a division of tribes that occurred during ancient times. During a time when the mysteries of today were not hidden but common knowledge and practice for everyone. The generations of distorted versions of history have attempted to erase all memory or knowledge of these times. A duty that has been passed down to ensure that the unfolding of goals emerge. These goals or ambitions are not in the best interest of those who cherish their freedom. A reawakening of genetic memory that will give rise to the knowledge that will reconnect our existence with our original ancestors for the sake of our survival. This is not a string of words open for debate. If you know then it will make sense. If you don't it is not my responsibility to convince you.

All is good and the way it should be.

potato potato potato

Gotta do whatcha gotta do when you gotta do it.
Well the up coming week will begin with an early
morning drive to an unknown farm to begin employment
as a "Vegetable Sorter". It is a short term job, but
this grandma needs to get a few things for the winter.
They figure we will have 10 to 12 hour days, alot of standing,
bending, and sorting of course. I hope my ankle holds up.
I actually look forward to actually making some money.
The bad habits already set in. I seen some used clothing
items for $40/bundle that I know would make my teenage son
very happy. I am using this weekend to make a couple of shirts for
my daughter. She gave me an idea of the type of styles she likes.
My task is to try make something similar without the 100 dollar price tag.

The leaves are changing color. Rain is cold.
The tap is dripping. And I have five dollars to
put in my gas tank. My son is applying for another job
at a grocery store. My grandson didn't complain
about the Mac and Cheese dinner I made him.
My daughter loves her Biology class.
Now there's just nothing to beat that kinda life - unfolding.

A step at a time. Just smile. Lift a hand when it is needed
Shed a tear when life hurts. Punch Air in the face when life
cheats. Tickle the world till it rumbles with laughter. Let
Tomorrow's mystery embrace you during stormy nights.
Never regret.
All is good and the way it should be.

Scary World We Have Created

Desperation

A news cast today spoke of two young girls that had assaulted a woman then took her purse. This happened in the evening. I don’t know the circumstances of the girls who resorted to violence for an unknown amount of money but it did make me think about what a person would do in times of desperation.

I sat with the thought of “how desperate would I have to be to resort to acts of violence to achieve or receive what I needed?” There were times in my life when I watched as others ate a meal as my stomach ached with hunger. I was too young to be given employment (legitimate), too young for the hostiles, and too old to be taken in by any of the social services. In those moments of real hunger I contemplated stealing. I would play it over and over in my head. A ten dollar bill could buy a bag of food to last me a week. It would help me stay awake during the day. I spent a lot of time sleeping where I could because of hunger or just plain sadness. Playing the whole assault in my mind always led to seeing a stranger hurt by my hand. Maybe someone also in need for their family and then I come along. I never could do it. This also made me angry. The hardest moments when I was convinced a certain stranger would deserve to have his world shaken by a violent theft. I am thinking of those who would literally kick you to the curb for just walking on the same sidewalk. Maybe they would learn or understand to some degree what it was like to have been told “you have the world at your fingertips” and then find out that was a lie. The decision not to resort to violence in this time of my life was based on a need that no amount of food or money could replace. The need to still look at myself without shame. The world looked at me with distaste but I knew one day, one day, I would taste the type of freedom they had so easily taken for granted. Only a certain few make it out or in.

Back to the two young girls. Today there are so many excuses for why violence is used. I believe desperation is still one of them but it isn’t the strongest motivator. A sub culture fighting for power in what ever way is now the key to survival. They have learned that if you don’t take it you will never have anything. I don’t think this is any different no matter what society or community. The young have just picked up on it and now are enforcing it. A scary world we have created.

(Re) Awakening

Closer now
wide open eyes
a step or two
snapping dry eyes

closer now
tired sleep cover
fighting eye lid rest
afraid to miss the moment

Blurred Freedom

No matter where I have traveled I carry with me the teaching of ‘listening’.
And always an image of myself if I lived passed fifty years.
I envisioned an old lady strolling with brain talk on her lips and hands lifted to the sky. Harmless behaviour instilling an uncomfortable curiosity in the parade’s routine.
Urban life disrupted one strand at a time.
One mind wanders freely and another battles the temptation to step from the usual
Fear.
The fifty year old me doesn’t wait for the world’s approval.
A belief – a life - laid out each day with faith in the ancient ones, the Great Spirit, Tunkashila.
No shame with the choice to be true to self.
No guilt in revealing to the world.

Humorously speaking about human nakedness
to a face of masks at crosswalks.
Humility for a moment
Standing on the corner of a busy down town intersection
with sage filled hands held up in the air
Prayers repeated and eyes closed.
Pointing to the sky and saying ‘I know I know.
I picked the medicines today.’
Don’t be afraid. We helped each other.
Onlookers gasp.
And file away the experience as insane right next to memories of childhood imagination.
Just the way they were told to.
Boundaries of sanity and insanity
based on lingering fear and celebrated triumph.
What thoughts were proper and safe and what spread fear, imagination - hallucination.
A locking of eyes with the fifty year old me will bring you into insanity to sanity.
In those times when all the insane find each other we become a gang of happy nuts.
Freely standing to pray or thank something out there untouched by our hand.
A Creator offering miracles in a breath after a sunrise or arched rainbows.
An offering of tobacco to acknowledge the spirit message.
The presence of the other relatives –
Winged ones, four legged, earth crawlers, trees, flowers, rocks, the sun and the moon – Everything in the world has purpose and understands its place.
We have forgotten. We stopped listening.
Time to learn freedom all over again.
Free from the mental restrictions created by strangers.
Dream flying adventures revealing unfolding time
A reawakening of human connection with all that is.
The fifty year old me continues along paved sidewalks
Singing. Dancing. Listening.
Heyahey. Omakiya yayo! Tankashila.

Until then. I still hesitate

Spirit Fed

Catch the moment.
Was caught in a sudden rain shower.
Refreshing and wonderful to have something 'real' touch me.
I mean that in a good way.
It is so easy to get caught up in the superficiality of the day
Stepping in time like zombies. Like machines.

I was planning on writing a bit more as I sat in the park but instead I stood and watched as an amazing dark billowing cloud glided toward the city. The sight of it frightened me but I continued to stand in awe of the force of this natural event. Having seen many storms every one has its unique strength and presence. A bolt of lightning crawled across the sky from dark cloud over blue sky. What an odd sight. That is when I realized I should probably retreat to a safer point. Away from the steel water tower and steel fence surrounding the park. The rain poured and blinded anyone attempting to walk in it. An elderly man in the process of walking his dog skipped across the street pulling the leash and lifting his head once to search for shelter. A small silver car stopped and offered to take him out of the rain. He accepted. For a moment I wondered what he would have done if I had offered. But that doesn’t matter it was nice to see human kindness.

My grandson loves the rain.
When he was a baby we would sit and watch the rain and the lightening from our home in the country. (before the fire) the storm clouds always seemed within reach. I could see the twirling build up of the clouds just above my head. I would sing that old song and hold the tobacco up in offering for the blessings that follow the natural cleanse. The riches of spirit. The ‘real’ touching my soul was all I needed to understand. To know.

The sun is out now. As quick as it arrived the clouds have moved south east leaving behind the new. A reminder of our dependence on this earth. One earth.

faith(ful) ramblings

Taking a moment during this hot summer evening to enjoy a feeling I haven’t experienced in so long. The word faith comes to mind.

I was told a story about ten years ago that stayed close to me. Especially during trying times. The story of the storm and the buffalo. Most animals will search for a route around the storm any direction but toward the storm. The buffalo will continue through the storm and find the storm passes quicker. In relation to life the storm is the trying, the challenging, the hard times. We all search for ways to put off or avoid the path even though we know it is the only way. But when we face the challenge or walk through the storm there is eventual relief from the hardship. The storm passes and our life continues with its experience. While others are still stuck trying to find an easier route.

Well I guess I can say I am sticking it out. I have walked through the storm and it has passed. I know it is not the last one I will have to face but I now know I can survive it.
The miracle of it all is watching as the storm, literally, circles around our home. Faith. I am shown those miracles every day.

I have to lighten up. The world is in such a state I cannot help but worry about what my, the children, will face in their coming days. My mind plays with conspiracy theories and shivers when I watch as the words of the elders unfold in my life time. My son had a dream that shook his days for some time. He dreamt of a beautiful sunrise and then the ultimate fear of watching the sun turn colors and send a rush over the earth as it exploded. Horrifying to have a teenager envision such events when they should be dreaming about girls and adventures. But I think we all have worried over the idea of our mortality. What comes next and how much time do I have? Is it worth it to live? I woke up this morning with a dull weight on my heart. Knowing the day would be the same as yesterday and the day before that. I felt like my time was closing and there was no use fooling myself into thinking or dreaming of how tomorrow will be. But that gave me even more reason to smile as I thought there is no pressure. I can live this day with no fear because what do I have to lose but time. I am definitely a dark person. I didn’t mean for it to be that way. Life just did something to me that required a protection that also kept me from allowing any emotion into my life. With the exception of the feelings for my children and grandchildren the rest of the world just seem so far away. I was, am, invisible to the world. But doesn’t that mean freedom? Sometimes I want to just burst out. And when I try, I forget how to begin and analyze the hell out of it, so I lose interest before I can even get my foot out the door.

I never talk about my relationships or the scars, both internally and externally. It doesn’t make any sense to bring out what is done, lost in history in a pile of survival dust. What matters is that I have crawled out some how. I am still amazed. How did it happen? How did I escape the clutches of gamers on the street. Alley lifers. Once beauties with perfect skin smiles and boys wandering in from east and west searching for family in the eyes of teenage mothers. Mikey. What happened to you? In every strut there was no fear of what the corner could reveal. You asked for cigarettes from strangers yet you never did try one. Instead, a pocket of gifts for friends in passing sharing space for the night. You left us all dressed in bible school black and white. Your red hair and freckled face shining but I know those eyes. I see those eyes. You said you were going back to where a life could begin. I hope you did. Mikey. I hope that wasn’t you shadowing city lit streets as a subject in a late night documentary. A boy with red hair and freckled face slouching in rain soaked clothes without family or home. Still that boy. Although the years have passed so quickly those faces still resemble our huddled family. The ones trying to figure out what it all means. We weren’t there for the excitement we were all there because there was no other place to go. We care for one another. Names didn’t matter. Circumstance made you family even if it was just for a night. Sometimes they made it out and sometimes, sometimes there was no escape.

Gratitude

I wander back in the short time since I started this blog and notice changes already occurring in my life. I began with such despair as I struggled to keep my heart off the ground. I felt selfish for thinking only of our circumstance when so much pain exists in not so far away places. Yet I could only think of the sadness that clouded over our home. I never stopped caring about others or wanting to help when I could. I have discovered something beautiful about myself during this time. I love people and care enough to keep helping even when I have little to offer. This was important for me to know as I felt something slipping away. I did not want to lose sight of my place in this world as honoured to me by the women before me. I don’t boast about this with false pride it is out of an exciting self realization and confirmation of my path.

Over the last week a string of events occurred that has amazed me to the point of tears. My main goal was just to ensure my family continued to have a home and food on the table. Anything more would be a luxury. I am not in the habit of burdening others with my struggles and have not even told my family I have this blog. So basically no one really knows I am writing these short bits of struggling times.

One day a cheque arrives. Hesitant to believe it was sent to the correct person/address I confirmed its sender and was amazed to find it as owed! The next may not sound too responsible but I was glad I tried it. After I paid the bills and bought some healthy food I had in my pocket 25 dollars when I had to meet someone for a coffee. In the back of the coffee shop was two slot or casino game machines – whatever they are called. My friend put two dollars into it and won ten. I put my five dollars into it and won 250! I pressed the button two more times and another 260. Okay by this time I was freaked! I felt as if I had just done something wrong. It couldn’t be that easy. But now I had over 500 dollars! I received in the last week more than enough to cover the outstanding bills and buy those extras (clothing for my son and daughter, toiletries, and bags of fruit).

Now as I sit here with so much gratitude. And for those who say money can’t buy happiness well try living without it – really without it – for even a couple months. Money is sadly very much needed in a world that has changed so much that hunting for your food is either illegal or poison. My daughter is/was a hunter since she was seven but stopped when she seen how sick the animals were getting. The human impact on the environment has created such havoc on the weather and land the berries will no longer grow. The process of assimilation inflicted on nations has created families with fast food dependencies and sickness. Ironic how we now live on the industrialized crap and cannot afford the food that sustained in the time of the ancestors. The same food that was got by practices deemed savage and outlawed to promote a more civilized approach to living. In the name of assimilation. The healthy ‘savage’ food. I don’t want to live in a tipi and I don’t want to follow buffalo herds. (cannot afford to pay the toll to pass through or the there is no free roaming anymore) I am tired of seeing so many nations starving in a world that has enough for everyone.
Sad. Sad. Poverty Reality.
I am in it.
We are all in it.
Impoverished.
A starving spirit.
But it is all going to change.
Can you hear it?

Hunger

Well we're doing it again. A few of us crazy women are putting together a plan just to ensure families like ours are fed and taken care of. We understand there are issues that are bigger than us and want to help but when you are caught in that pit of nothing your strength is only used to breathe-make it another day for the kids. Can't save the world but we can help each other help others, and so on. Poverty. Reality.

During a four day fast before a sundance ceremony I understood hunger at a different level. The hunger of the spirit. No food or water for four days was the best medicine to humble a being caught in this world. With a dry mouth I tasted the earth wind and the sage smudge smoke. I heard the songs of the earth and felt our relations heartbeats travel thoughout my body. I felt myself melting into every part of creation. And on the fourth day, that first drop of water from a buffalo horn was held in my mouth with such appreciation. I carry that with me to remember why I am here. Every day has held miracles and I have asked the Creator many times to help the people, the nations, open their eyes to them. Where ever one chooses to pray or search, in church buildings, sweatlodges, temples etc that doesn't matter. It only matters that the energy, prayer, thoughts need to reunite to build the strength of the being, to reconnect with the rest of creation. The world is filled with others who 'know'. Every nation, race, culture whatever has one or many of 'those that know'. We are just afraid to believe. When we take the time to listen answers to our troubles are revealed.

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shame vs humility

Every day is approached with a new sense of understanding.

I am not the type of person to sit and lick my wounds. I feel I am a doer. I always think about the old story of the crab in the bucket. When one crab is trying to climb out the rest of the crabs drag it back down. Well, that happens. Sometimes the other crabs can be people and sometimes it can be government processes, limited resource battles, and on and on. We all want to make it out of here to somewhere – better.

I drove around today. We make jokes about driving on fumes and cross our fingers we make it home. Had to make it to a few places to ensure the weekend wouldn’t be too difficult. I hate the feeling of asking for help or maybe it is the fact that I need help that comes with the shame. I don’t know. I was taught not to be ashamed of asking for help and the rough edges of life teach humility – keeps us grounded. We went to the Salvation Army for a bit of food to hold us over for a week. My son was with me. He put his down when he realized where we were. The he lifted it and asked if they needed volunteers. That's what keeps me believing. I always wanted to be the one filling the little white plastic bags (not good for the environment forgot my cloth bags) and handing them to a mother-just to be the helper for once. It just doesn’t make any sense why a family, including ours, should ever experience hunger for food or the shame that comes with asking for food. I didn’t throw my money away, what little I do have. I paid the bills and then nothing. Prioritizing basic needs utility disconnection or food or shelter. Atleast if we have a roof over our head and lights we ‘feel’ like things could be worse. I look around my home and we have done good with so little. I feel good about that. I remember where I have come from – it seems so far away. I am waiting for this money that would make our family so happy. One click of the mouse in a government office could do this but instead it just lingers with no answers. This money is not a handout it is part of the a Canadian legacy that is supposed to compensate for all the hardship in some way. The Indian residential school legacy of attempting to assimilate through killing the Indian in the child. Now what the hell were they thinking? We held on even tighter and tears flowed to nourish the spirit of the generations today. That is what my great grandmother, grandmother, and mother are all about. That is what I am about. Humility is understanding and remembering where my strength comes from and the shame is what I must find my way passed. There is too much to be done. Life has taught me so much in forty years now it is time to gather my strength.

My son went to apply for another summer position for students. I was so proud of him and his abilities. He has sure taken in a lot at school. When I watch them I know it was all worth the time, love, and energy it took to stay home. I watched as other mothers struggled and then seen their children turn to the streets for that extra something we all look for. I decided I would be right there to catch them if I could when that moment came for my children. I feel I caught most of it. No matter how hard it gets we still know there is better and more to reach for. The crabs can keep grabbing but we will always break loose as we make our way out of the bucket.


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Away Room

A Monday. A tornado encircling our area again. Potential tornado weather for the rest of the day.

I went to see my grandson. So great to see those little smiles. Human reminders of why we are here. Simple and reoccurring miracles revealing what has endured the test of time – purity. I feel remnants of this time are carried in the center of us. Saving us from self destruction.

I didn’t get the job. My heart sank for about five minutes. Then I just made a fresh pot of coffee and sat outside buried in thought. Thoughts. Mind drugs. I thought of a friend that found me the other day. Last time I seen her was when I was in a boarding school. We arrived around the same time and both carried the same look on our face – afraid and timid. We were around seven or eight years old coming from homes that provided enough life experience to ensure a full understanding of survival. After a few days we established the washroom as the 'away room'. A place where we could talk about home and anything else going on at the school. During one of our away moments she produced a small brown paper bag. The kind used to pack our snacks. She had her hands wrapped around the neck of the bag and blew into it like a balloon. Then took a deep breath in then out again. She sat for a moment and then handed the bag to me. I didn’t ask her what it was but when I took it I could smell nail polish. Then I realized what she was doing – sniffing. I had seen my cousin do the same thing with shoe polish back home. I hated the smell and it gave me a headache. I don’t remember how I let her know I didn’t like it but I do remember making a face when I brought the bag to my nose. That was it. I watched her eyes change as she continued with the bag holding it at the bottom and breathing in and out. We didn't talk. I remember feeling sad as I watched her fade away from me. I thought of the boy who would wander the streets smelling like shoe polish. My uncle told me he poisoned his brain and before it could explode he jumped off the power building falling onto the cement. I wasn’t there but my mind always carried an image of the boy standing on the edge crying as he jumped to his death. Drugs terrified me. Losing my mind wasn’t so inviting then.

It was good to hear from her. I was told she had passed on years ago. Why would anyone say that? I guess the same reason they would say that about me. Most are shocked to know I am still alive. Another life, another time. Wow how far we have come. Another day with more writing and more resumes to send out.

Time is Calling us

the best way to figure out todays problems is to turn in your seat...looking back. As a spectator looking back at history we have little to lose and we avoid the direct pain and suffering that the humans of the time endured. What does that mean? How can we understand without feeling the pain? to feel the pain helps us to appreciate the healing. i would n't want to go back to the days when children were ripped from the arms of mothers and slammed against rocks for the shock effect - control. all i need to know is that i am alive today because someone back then continued to survive. I have the knowledge and freedom to live with the teachings of my ancestors because someone lived/died to ensure the gift would be mine. the grandmothers that hovered over the children. the men who held the woman's word close to their heart and stood to protect them. I am here because they knew what they were doing. Humility, honor, courage, and unconditional acts of love. I think that is the only time that word is used, universal meaning that is now becoming rare, as a result of empty overuse. Now I stand with what I can. i feel so inferior to the grandmothers out there that have stood up in their weary years to speak for us who are either too afraid, too tired, too sick, or too blind to understand the importance of our time - the urgency. I heard one elder say today, "Time is short. Time is calling us." amazing. My dreams are loyal to the times. I ask myself everyday why am I having these prophetic dreams yet I do not have the knowledge of what to do with them. "We can talk about things, but without prayer we will never succeed."

Change my reality? I don't mean to dishonor those ones that came before me or deceive the ones that will come after me. I only want to be a part of a different reality that includes peace, unity, and overall a reconnection with our mother, the Earth. To begin with strengthening my own spirit seems to me the only sensible road to take. I feel like something is coming. The hairs on my body tingle at the thought. Truth. There is a bit of fear and yet a feeling of relief - I am not insane. I see the women of the world have listened! That is another word that has echoed in my mind for many years. "Listen" to the whispers of the earth, the universe, the ancestors. I listen and sometimes I am afraid. I have no one to share this with. I am a quiet woman, a mother, a grandmother, I am a grain of the earth, with all my relations.

Involved in the world somehow

Amazing how a few dollars can change a day. Took my daughter and grandson to McDonalds today. That is such a treat. For some crazy reason it involves us in the world somehow, sitting in a restaurant, fast food amongst other families. We always supersize the meal so we can share. That was our treat for the month and it was great! I finished the chopping and editing of a poetry manuscript I needed to hand off to be read. That's done! Although tiny steps, those are the steps I need to continue to take in order to change my reality. That always sounds so odd when i write that. 'change my reality'. But that is what i want to do. i feel like i have been in a fog for so many years. When I look in the mirror I don't recognize that older person. When I review my day I am disgusted at the time I have spent in the fog. I have sat with so many women that have taken my words and friendship and said they are better for it. Yet I have so hard a time making those words/insights my reality.

I came across a site the other day about four young guys traveling and living the life to the fullest by living out a list they compiled. 'what do you want to do before you die?'. This got me to thinking. I and my daughter decided to put together our own list. Amazing how the whole world can open up when you dream. I will post my list when it is completed. My daughter says she needs a day or two to think about it. Imagine that. hahaha....but that is because we want to transform the list into a list of "things we have done in our life". I think that is a good plan.

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"if you only had one day to live, what would you do before you die?"

WRITING POETRY

Today I feel refreshed. I spent that last few days exploring dead poet sites and reading collections that have left a legacy of inspiration. One author that provided the kick in the ass I needed was Ginsberg. In his odd, queer way, he left with a bang (ful) of words. Its About and Death and Fame inject life for the reader while he was facing death. He gave an overview of what he wanted to see during his funeral, including mourning ex-lovers he met along his writing career. This is a man that right to the last days of his life - lived! A college student who submitted a 80 pg manuscript only to learn that what he had learned had to be forgotten. He was told to free up his voice and then came 'Howl' a writing that is said to have 'changed America'. Well, needless to say, I am inspired. The thought of 'freeing of my voice' ....think freely...feel freely...write freely. I may not be 'change America' material but I definitely feel I can write freely. If it finds its way into the hands of publisher that appreciates my writing then that is the bonus.

Poverty. That was the topic when this blog was started. As I had hoped the focus is revealing the riches that sit right under my nose. I just need to continue to sort them out and at the same time continue to climb out of this place that has stolen precious moments of my life - defeated mind.

The power and phone still not disconnected. Just hold on for a couple more days. The rent takes most of the money but the rest is for bills. Gonna make it. Oh! I am putting my resume in for two jobs that opened up. Crossing my fingers. The pay is twice what I have now which would be a blessing.

Life Passions

Today there is only one thought lingering in and out of my day so far....passion for life. This is so important. The dreams that excite you each morning. The butterflies that quiver the center of your being each time you think of reaching for more.

Today, all I have to do is believe I can have this in my life again. To be passionate about something, anything. I love to write. I love to create lines of my uneducated poetry, ranting maybe but still written thoughts...mind paintings. I love to wander into the life of a character in an unfolding script. I love to read the words of writers from centuries ago sharing emotions, fears, and realizations with the world and oblivious to the fact that these same words would be sitting in front of me .... in 2008! Amazing. A legacy. Their passion. I just want to keep this thought today.

Just hoping the power won't be disconnected anytime soon. Or the phone for that matter. Still looking for a job. Still writing down my ramblings.

'cursed with inherited sadness'

Okay I am alive now what?

I woke up this morning without a clue what to do with the day ahead of me. Don't get me wrong I do not let a moment pass wasted in self pity - well maybe a moment here and there do sneak by. I make a point appreciating each moment granted to me on this gracious planet Earth. I guess that is what keeps me going each day, knowing I have been blessed with a wonderful and strong family. Yes the struggles are daily and with a bit of 'before knowledge' I could have avoided being buried in financial disasters and depression. I have been made aware of the impact of having no money for food, clothing, and ofcourse the luxury of going to a movie. Teenagers. They are great. They do their best to be understanding and patient. They sew their own clothes to save me the trouble. They do odd jobs and never forget their nephews. What I hate are the mornings when we are awaiting money and the food is scarce. They leave without breakfast and take with them a home made lunch of one of my 'creations'. And they continue successfully in their classes. I carry a lot of anxiety and guilt over watching them go through all this. At the same time I see the young adults they have become and am grateful for all the time I had with them growing up. I wanted to be there to catch those important moments that would normally be missed if I was working. I feel in my generation, with all the strengthening experience from the grandmothers before me, we have been given the chance to stop the cycle of poverty and all that goes with it.

We are going to make it.

We receive a bit of money today. 500.00. Half of that goes to a utility bill and to pay for fixing the tire (again). The rest is for grocery shopping. My high hopes was to have the van insured this month. Oh well. I hate that I have to pick between the necessities. I just remembered the telephone bill. sigh. And the housing sent me a water bill from last year that they were supposed to take care of because of a leak they didn't fix, $1000.00 or get evicted. I am still looking for a job. I'll take anything right now. I am tired. My house is a mess. The laundry needs to be done. Need to take the walk to the recycling bins again. My sister is having a wedding and once again I am a no show because of the van. I fight depression each day. I know I am a good mother. I have given my whole life so far to ensuring they have a choice.

The faucet is dripping. Not environmentally friendly and cannot afford to be wasting such a precious resource. (tightens tap). I called the local women's center today to share an idea about having a series of auto and home maintenance workshops. Its amazing how a workshop giving hands-on instruction for changing oil/tires or fixing leaking faucets can encourage independence and financial savings. If only I could find a job that would let me take all this 'life' experience and help others. Which brings me back to making the plan for my making a new reality.

What is stopping me at this moment from achieving what it is that I need????

1. Money (ofcourse) life would be so much simpler if I didn't have to worry about whether the kids are going to have breakfast. Never mind fulfill the food guide requirements.
2. Confidence. I hesitate to put value in my abilities. I need to make an inventory of what my strengths are and believe in them enough to use them.
3. Faith. I don't know why I don't put this as number one. I am not a church goer but I do believe in the Ancient One, Creator, God. There had to be some great being out there to intervene or I would not be here today.

Well hopefully I remember to check back on this list. It's a start anyways. I really would like to figure out a way to either start my own home business. Who wouldn't? That's a dream anyways. I hope if anyone has dared to venture into my ramblings I haven't bored you or depressed you. All I am doing is sorting out my options or creating new ones so I can make a new reality for myself and my family.

Well thanks for hanging in there. I'll post more tonite or tomorrow would like to stay consistent with the blog. My daughter should be back with the tire soon. I am smiling at the thought of her rolling that thing through the neighborhood. We flipped for it. I stay with the kids and she rolled the tire. Seems like the day has been good to me so far.

Drawing Day Blog - worldwide drawing event: Drawing Day 2008 - a success and an inspiration

I was wandering around the blog world and found this refreshing activity. Like I mentioned if there is anything that thrives in my family it is creativity during the toughest times. I hope to keep this in mind as the year unfolds. These are the pleasant distractions that do not need a cent for participation.

Drawing Day Blog - worldwide drawing event: Drawing Day 2008 - a success and an inspiration

Empty Cupboards

Well a good a place as any to begin. Empty Cupboards. That's our reality today as two little ones wander through the house as cute as can be. We use our creativity to make the meals as interesting but more importantly, as filling as possible. They don't know yet. They don't know that the life we are living is considered 'poor' 'impoverished' 'low income' 'down and out'. What they do know is we have a life that is very much an improvement that took two generations to transform. My mother and grandmother both have me beat when it comes to 'hard times'. And the limitless abilities for creativity also was what helped in the survival of 13 plus children. Well, keeping the stomachs from growling through the night was only one of the worries of my grandmother's time. A lot of aunts and uncles didn't make it passed their twenties. Starvation of the spirit - took em in the night, on the street, broad daylight, at first newborn breath, during the 18th birthday. Starvation.
Reality in poverty today doesn't mean I live in a cardboard box. Although I feel that situation is too close lately. We have a home - rented- with bits of furniture. The bedrooms are supposed to be havens. I try make it so. With mattresses on the floor covered with homemade cushions. New beds are too expensive and when we buy used we don't think of its history just that it has no holes. Other people's mattresses. I try not to think to much. Well, pride was left back there somewhere maybe in the food bank line or seated in the financial assistance office. I had to make a choice. I received my degree shortly after i had my twins, babies three and four. The father couldn't make his mind up if he was going to stay or go. He was never really with us - always lost in his own thoughts. I knew I would not let my children repeat 'without choice' the same hardships I endured. I would support them through their school, stick to them like a prairie wood tick until they were adults on their own. The toughest times being highschool. They struggled and put up with my strict expectations - 'avoid the alcohol and drug scene atleast until you pass your teens'. Two have made it through their teens with a bit of life bruising from funerals of young friends and understanding of consequence. I kept a job for short periods of time, but always left to put family fires out. I had no outside support from family or friends. They believed I was just wasting my time, just send them out there and let them learn. This is half true. The other part of the story is if you don't give them the support and tools to deal with the decisions today they are easily pulled into situations. I figured well if they choose that live they choose it. But until they are on their own I am going to be here to give them the knowledge o f a life worth fighting for, a choice. When they are on their own they cannot use the excuse "i didn't know".
My daughter asked me after a day of school, 'mom are we poor?' Ofcourse I gave her the version that basically says 'as long as we have each other we are the richest and luckiest people in the world'. I believe this to be true but this only survives for so long. If I don't find a way out. another generation will be looking for answers that I couldn't figure out. Starvation.

Well so far I have been ranting.
Reality:

1.Money in pocket - $0

2.What we had for supper:

~Creative Casserole (Basically put anything left in the fridge or cupboard onto a plate with some baked biscuits made of flour/baking powder/water.

Baked Biscuits
Bacon
Five Sausages
Water

It's amazing how children and teenagers can sit with you and enjoy a meal like this. My son came home with a bottle of pop and shared it three ways. My daughter is getting an academic award. We are getting the vehicle fixed tomorrow, flat tire slashed by some back alley rats and unregistered without insurance. Dimes, nickels and loads of pennies in a backpack to take to the bank for my daughter. It is her end of the school year dinner with friends. No new clothes for two years but we did splurge with forty dollars at the second hand store. Name brands too. Nothing wrong with that. We just have to make it out of this whole poverty reality thing.
Which brings me to the purpose of this blog 'stepping outa this reality'.

This is my first post. I hope to write more tonite. I am putting together a plan. Just a step at a time. If anyone happens by this corner of the web world leave me a comment or offer ideas to help me and my family step outa poverty.