faith(ful) ramblings

Taking a moment during this hot summer evening to enjoy a feeling I haven’t experienced in so long. The word faith comes to mind.

I was told a story about ten years ago that stayed close to me. Especially during trying times. The story of the storm and the buffalo. Most animals will search for a route around the storm any direction but toward the storm. The buffalo will continue through the storm and find the storm passes quicker. In relation to life the storm is the trying, the challenging, the hard times. We all search for ways to put off or avoid the path even though we know it is the only way. But when we face the challenge or walk through the storm there is eventual relief from the hardship. The storm passes and our life continues with its experience. While others are still stuck trying to find an easier route.

Well I guess I can say I am sticking it out. I have walked through the storm and it has passed. I know it is not the last one I will have to face but I now know I can survive it.
The miracle of it all is watching as the storm, literally, circles around our home. Faith. I am shown those miracles every day.

I have to lighten up. The world is in such a state I cannot help but worry about what my, the children, will face in their coming days. My mind plays with conspiracy theories and shivers when I watch as the words of the elders unfold in my life time. My son had a dream that shook his days for some time. He dreamt of a beautiful sunrise and then the ultimate fear of watching the sun turn colors and send a rush over the earth as it exploded. Horrifying to have a teenager envision such events when they should be dreaming about girls and adventures. But I think we all have worried over the idea of our mortality. What comes next and how much time do I have? Is it worth it to live? I woke up this morning with a dull weight on my heart. Knowing the day would be the same as yesterday and the day before that. I felt like my time was closing and there was no use fooling myself into thinking or dreaming of how tomorrow will be. But that gave me even more reason to smile as I thought there is no pressure. I can live this day with no fear because what do I have to lose but time. I am definitely a dark person. I didn’t mean for it to be that way. Life just did something to me that required a protection that also kept me from allowing any emotion into my life. With the exception of the feelings for my children and grandchildren the rest of the world just seem so far away. I was, am, invisible to the world. But doesn’t that mean freedom? Sometimes I want to just burst out. And when I try, I forget how to begin and analyze the hell out of it, so I lose interest before I can even get my foot out the door.

I never talk about my relationships or the scars, both internally and externally. It doesn’t make any sense to bring out what is done, lost in history in a pile of survival dust. What matters is that I have crawled out some how. I am still amazed. How did it happen? How did I escape the clutches of gamers on the street. Alley lifers. Once beauties with perfect skin smiles and boys wandering in from east and west searching for family in the eyes of teenage mothers. Mikey. What happened to you? In every strut there was no fear of what the corner could reveal. You asked for cigarettes from strangers yet you never did try one. Instead, a pocket of gifts for friends in passing sharing space for the night. You left us all dressed in bible school black and white. Your red hair and freckled face shining but I know those eyes. I see those eyes. You said you were going back to where a life could begin. I hope you did. Mikey. I hope that wasn’t you shadowing city lit streets as a subject in a late night documentary. A boy with red hair and freckled face slouching in rain soaked clothes without family or home. Still that boy. Although the years have passed so quickly those faces still resemble our huddled family. The ones trying to figure out what it all means. We weren’t there for the excitement we were all there because there was no other place to go. We care for one another. Names didn’t matter. Circumstance made you family even if it was just for a night. Sometimes they made it out and sometimes, sometimes there was no escape.