the breath that was saved for me

released from your guiding hand
the water took my breath
a natural flow of sadness
choking out the child
left behind

they taught me
how to fold in the bedsheets
while thirsting for my red blood
a drop left on my lip
spit it out they said
clean your mouth they said

nails in palms to their god
same rusted iron remnants
rape my spirit
steal my mind

nothing left untouched
             yet all had remain intact

                                 i found my way to the water
                                                where the blood flowed

                                                      I let her die with no remorse
                                             and took the breath that was saved for me

be better than me

Being poor or living in poverty. There are differences. I am rich in life with family, laughter, health, and the continued string of created memories. What does take its toll on this life is the grey cloud that lingers as a constant reminder of what 'we' don't have. The creativity that comes when there are only a couple of potatoes and a can of chicken noodle soup, or a pound of hanburger and a cup of maccaroni - all expected to feed a family without knowing what will be used tomorrow. Yet....Yet we always find solice in our humor and dreams. We imagine, create, plan, learn new ways to make it until those dreams can be reality. We are forever aware of how much better we have it compared to some countries and compared to our ancestors. It is what keeps the dreams alive. We've come this far from those harsh times so there is hope that the grey cloud will be forced to break when that sliver of light escapes through. I am more focused today. I know what I want. I know what I need. I have no regrets yet I have moments of remorse for lost time. I feel my heart bursting with hope and faith. Not only for myself but also my children. I tell them don't hate me for too long but "please be better than me". I never hurt them intentionally but as I chose to live a life where I would stay with them through their childhood and only slowly acquired my own goals in the process. So we were not financially rich and they did not experience the thrill of the fads or trends of the day - but I was there. It was important for me to be present in their lives. I had very little presence of parents in my life - one sick with addiction the other murdered before my first birthday. I wanted to use what I knew in life as part my parenting to ensure their life would be different - I wanted to end the cycle of darkness, shame, and violence. I wanted to keep them safe and teach them to use the tools of survival. I wanted to see them grow to be adults and never be able to say they 'didn't know'. Now my children are adults and they know and have moments of why 'mom', why didn't you build your life and provide for us the way normal families do - brand new cars, clothes, toys. Now I say, you have what you need to survive. You have the skills, knowledge, and experience to achieve, acquire, and grow. If you don't feel I was a good parent then 'be better than me" "do better than me". I may not have a million dollars, hell I may not have twenty, but i am smiling and dam I can make a meal out of anything. * Don't have the green thumb or space enough to grow my own food but as always I will learn - indoor gardening here I come!

I'm Dead If I Don't

Irresistable time to step into your shoes
one little step from a tomorrow
only my dreams could have conjured.
you said it isn't possible and
I said - Just you wait.

One foot in front of the other
I drag the canvas into motion
one side too big the other pinching my toes
you said I would fall on my face
I said - What do you know.

All I could see was the finish line
melting into waves like a desert road
I thirst for a spray of life as I drowned in my sweat
you said I'd die trying
I said - I'm dead if I don't.

My legs give way and sky folds into the ground
I feel the insects feasting on my weathered flesh
as I lay defeated with your shoes on my feet
You said I could never walk without them
I say It's time to walk with flesh to ground

Crawling at best but still moving forward.
I'll die trying. And let's say I make it
Let's say it will be ok.
I say - I have nothing to lose! Get up!

My Sleeping Life Dream Where my Prayers are Answered

The reality of anyone's survival and success lies in their will and passion to do so.  I have sat in silence for countless moments in time contemplating how to change my life and escape the confinement of circumstance - irony - escape my mind.  Too much thinking and not enough doing!  I just never know which way to move.  I live a good life - i don't abuse drugs or alcohol, don't waste time on relationships that would bring those into my life, I am a spiritual person with the heart and passion enough to share with my family and much more, I am not afraid of the sun rise and live 'not to' mourn the sunset.  All the pieces of past, present and future all add up to "me" so to reject even one shar would be to reject who I am so I am embrace all that I am and pray for what is needed to live with all that I am.  I accept the truth that my life is what it is at the moment but another moment arrives and it can get better with each additional second on the clock. 

I have realized, although my life is worlds away from alot of those out there who have the resources to make most of their dreams a reality - most dreams are the same.  Freedom. Peace of mind. Happiness.

I just want to make just 'one step" forward today. No matter how difficult and discouraging the events around me may be.  My heart gets heavy with remorse for time lost and I struggle through the day just to make the best of my moment.  I just don't want to do the same thing tomorrow.  I 'need' to feel the step 'taken'.  I need to feel happiness in my waking hours rather than feel the sadness of leaving the sleeping life dream where my prayers have been answered.  I need to feel the life of new love, the excitement of an earned adventure, the peace of mind while knowing I am "alive". 

Until then . . . . I SMILE FOR THE HELL OF IT JUST BECAUSE ITS A GREAT START AND ITS CONTAGIOUS!  AND EVENTUALLY EVEN THE FAKE SMILE BECOMES REAL.  . . . .

buried alive

in justly words
in the pit of my stomach
a ray of light
tranforms

cannot bury
the lines of truth
in a pit
made for two

a shine glass glitter
wishful thoughts
caught windswept
on a tree top

put it in the rain
so the dogs can smell
its scent
be fooled

stranger in the shadows
spit your lust pant
so the world can see
you're just as good - bad
as me

drunken truth
twisted into sobriety
as the toxins fade
deep beneath the skin

truth stays the same
deception is the game played
buried alive
so others won't survive


~~ just a moment of ramdomness. its been a wonderful week. smile for the helluvit i say. keeps us feeling ok until next time.~~~

a brisk walk with ears and eyes fastened to images of youth and swift step there are no comaparisons to the movements that years from ago speak and now as the prints in soft earth reveal the heaviness of aged experience the sun seems brighter the winds seems softer the air seems cooler

i once read somewhere in lines of old english words as theminds ages and the experiences build in number what accumulates is a mature innocense a view of the world like that of a new born child enhanced by experience of living

well it may be said as the word spread across this page that I have only the misery to share and have missed the wonder that comes with each new day the miracle of sending a new breath into a world unfolding with new adventures in many forms I tap these words with smiles and content as I relish in the memories My heart smiles my spirit is always renewed I may insist with word the darkness before the light but as they say we cannot appreciate the existence of the light without knowing the dark It all balances out in time Those that hurt will feel the peace those that feel peace know pain

and as the dark closes my day I can reflect without remorse

Faith

The Great Mystery. There is something called faith. No matter what life path they have chosen, faith stirs that spark of survival - the will to live another day.

The On Button

Technology. The World Wide Web.  I remember sitting at an old computer in a urban downtown video pool amazed at the idea of messages sent and recieved in a matter of 'minutes' to any where in the World.  I was chosen to participate in a federal/provincial funded pilot project for low income individuals interested in computers - specifically HTML.

As I sat facing the computer I recall being nervous to touch it. I was afraid I would break something or if I pressed the wrong button something horrible would happen.  As the instructor patiently explained the 'On' and 'Off' button my thoughts wandered to visions of mass power outages, smoking machines, and spinning clocks. A living SciFi film with a time machine at my finger tips. 

I reached for the ON button. Click. Beep. Beep. Grind. Then flashing acronyms and symbols.  The journey was about to begin I thought. The instructor, a tall English woman with a tightly wound scarf and a laugh that always ended with a snort, typed in a few letters to show off the Email function.  Then 'beep', the computer shut off.  I sat with little shock.  I knew I knew it is what I thought.  After the instructional 'snort', the instructor mumbles some darn technology comments and switches the machine back on.  Click. Beep. Beep. Grind.  Flash.  She presses a few keys on the keyboard to quickly bring up the email function once again and before it could 'compute' the machine shuts off again.  "It's a sign." I think to myself as I slowly move back from the machine. She gives me a "maybe you're right" kinda look and rolls her chair in front of the computer. After a few attempts, she decides she will let the computer cool down for a bit and goes into the history and purpose of the World Wide Web. 

The computer did eventually fulfill its promise.  At that time there were no email addresses that I knew but the instructor's personal email.  There were few pages to view. (I do wish I could remember the first page I viewed.)  But all in all I was amazed at the new world I was witnessing.  I studied my little HTML  book and continued to be amazed. 

2012. Within seconds high speed internet connection opens with information for everything.  My communication with most people are via email or social media sites, such as Facebook.  I am no longer afraid to press buttons and now venture into problem solving tech issues.  I have said hello and goodmorning to individuals over the waters and can view video footage of astronauts in space, learn how to build a exploding device, how to make the best saskatoon pie, murder, birth, war, peace, misery, happiness, church, sweatlodge, history, future, minds, voices, poetry, films, porn, love, marriage, divorce, friendship, racism, freedom - or how to build a house.  There are no limits to what can be found on the internet - The Web.    

The Web - we are all connected.  Yet .... we are apart.  Difficult to disconnect from the invisible life line we have all become so dependent.  I am still amazed at times at the capibilities of this communication attachment.  I can connect with a stranger as I view and read thought provoking text or his/her daily activities.  They let me in with a new kind of trust or 'need'.  Yet....there are limits to how far they will let you travel 'in' .  Those invisible lines of communication keep the humans apart but connected.  Safe. Safe from face to face interaction which may lead to human sensory communication while exposing the author with all its truths and deceptions. 

I miss the mystery and amazement meeting new people without needing the "ON" button close at hand.  The risk of rejection or the passionate acceptance of real 'live' humans. 

into the universe that will never remember our name

a scramble in the middle of the moral battle
a fall to the dirt in an epileptic fit
ravaged brain soaked in whiskey and stale beer

boot stomped they say
broken neck attached to twisted skin
his blood son  will inherit the ankle chains

newstand release for a dollar on sundays
a celebrity for a moment as the dirt pours
and the cat pisses on the bold print

just another one of us
with that last gasp of air
into the universe that will never remember our name

blood stains his son's hands
but it was the no name that killed him
long before the whiskey and stale beer

lounged with ancients

fit into the wind
like the dust swirl
in september air

a scent of red
as the eyes forget
in chemical pain

we lounged with ancients
when passions were living
in blue dreams

as the mind opens
to eye sight
our
breath
is fantasy.