be better than me

Being poor or living in poverty. There are differences. I am rich in life with family, laughter, health, and the continued string of created memories. What does take its toll on this life is the grey cloud that lingers as a constant reminder of what 'we' don't have. The creativity that comes when there are only a couple of potatoes and a can of chicken noodle soup, or a pound of hanburger and a cup of maccaroni - all expected to feed a family without knowing what will be used tomorrow. Yet....Yet we always find solice in our humor and dreams. We imagine, create, plan, learn new ways to make it until those dreams can be reality. We are forever aware of how much better we have it compared to some countries and compared to our ancestors. It is what keeps the dreams alive. We've come this far from those harsh times so there is hope that the grey cloud will be forced to break when that sliver of light escapes through. I am more focused today. I know what I want. I know what I need. I have no regrets yet I have moments of remorse for lost time. I feel my heart bursting with hope and faith. Not only for myself but also my children. I tell them don't hate me for too long but "please be better than me". I never hurt them intentionally but as I chose to live a life where I would stay with them through their childhood and only slowly acquired my own goals in the process. So we were not financially rich and they did not experience the thrill of the fads or trends of the day - but I was there. It was important for me to be present in their lives. I had very little presence of parents in my life - one sick with addiction the other murdered before my first birthday. I wanted to use what I knew in life as part my parenting to ensure their life would be different - I wanted to end the cycle of darkness, shame, and violence. I wanted to keep them safe and teach them to use the tools of survival. I wanted to see them grow to be adults and never be able to say they 'didn't know'. Now my children are adults and they know and have moments of why 'mom', why didn't you build your life and provide for us the way normal families do - brand new cars, clothes, toys. Now I say, you have what you need to survive. You have the skills, knowledge, and experience to achieve, acquire, and grow. If you don't feel I was a good parent then 'be better than me" "do better than me". I may not have a million dollars, hell I may not have twenty, but i am smiling and dam I can make a meal out of anything. * Don't have the green thumb or space enough to grow my own food but as always I will learn - indoor gardening here I come!