be better than me

Being poor or living in poverty. There are differences. I am rich in life with family, laughter, health, and the continued string of created memories. What does take its toll on this life is the grey cloud that lingers as a constant reminder of what 'we' don't have. The creativity that comes when there are only a couple of potatoes and a can of chicken noodle soup, or a pound of hanburger and a cup of maccaroni - all expected to feed a family without knowing what will be used tomorrow. Yet....Yet we always find solice in our humor and dreams. We imagine, create, plan, learn new ways to make it until those dreams can be reality. We are forever aware of how much better we have it compared to some countries and compared to our ancestors. It is what keeps the dreams alive. We've come this far from those harsh times so there is hope that the grey cloud will be forced to break when that sliver of light escapes through. I am more focused today. I know what I want. I know what I need. I have no regrets yet I have moments of remorse for lost time. I feel my heart bursting with hope and faith. Not only for myself but also my children. I tell them don't hate me for too long but "please be better than me". I never hurt them intentionally but as I chose to live a life where I would stay with them through their childhood and only slowly acquired my own goals in the process. So we were not financially rich and they did not experience the thrill of the fads or trends of the day - but I was there. It was important for me to be present in their lives. I had very little presence of parents in my life - one sick with addiction the other murdered before my first birthday. I wanted to use what I knew in life as part my parenting to ensure their life would be different - I wanted to end the cycle of darkness, shame, and violence. I wanted to keep them safe and teach them to use the tools of survival. I wanted to see them grow to be adults and never be able to say they 'didn't know'. Now my children are adults and they know and have moments of why 'mom', why didn't you build your life and provide for us the way normal families do - brand new cars, clothes, toys. Now I say, you have what you need to survive. You have the skills, knowledge, and experience to achieve, acquire, and grow. If you don't feel I was a good parent then 'be better than me" "do better than me". I may not have a million dollars, hell I may not have twenty, but i am smiling and dam I can make a meal out of anything. * Don't have the green thumb or space enough to grow my own food but as always I will learn - indoor gardening here I come!

I'm Dead If I Don't

Irresistable time to step into your shoes
one little step from a tomorrow
only my dreams could have conjured.
you said it isn't possible and
I said - Just you wait.

One foot in front of the other
I drag the canvas into motion
one side too big the other pinching my toes
you said I would fall on my face
I said - What do you know.

All I could see was the finish line
melting into waves like a desert road
I thirst for a spray of life as I drowned in my sweat
you said I'd die trying
I said - I'm dead if I don't.

My legs give way and sky folds into the ground
I feel the insects feasting on my weathered flesh
as I lay defeated with your shoes on my feet
You said I could never walk without them
I say It's time to walk with flesh to ground

Crawling at best but still moving forward.
I'll die trying. And let's say I make it
Let's say it will be ok.
I say - I have nothing to lose! Get up!

My Sleeping Life Dream Where my Prayers are Answered

The reality of anyone's survival and success lies in their will and passion to do so.  I have sat in silence for countless moments in time contemplating how to change my life and escape the confinement of circumstance - irony - escape my mind.  Too much thinking and not enough doing!  I just never know which way to move.  I live a good life - i don't abuse drugs or alcohol, don't waste time on relationships that would bring those into my life, I am a spiritual person with the heart and passion enough to share with my family and much more, I am not afraid of the sun rise and live 'not to' mourn the sunset.  All the pieces of past, present and future all add up to "me" so to reject even one shar would be to reject who I am so I am embrace all that I am and pray for what is needed to live with all that I am.  I accept the truth that my life is what it is at the moment but another moment arrives and it can get better with each additional second on the clock. 

I have realized, although my life is worlds away from alot of those out there who have the resources to make most of their dreams a reality - most dreams are the same.  Freedom. Peace of mind. Happiness.

I just want to make just 'one step" forward today. No matter how difficult and discouraging the events around me may be.  My heart gets heavy with remorse for time lost and I struggle through the day just to make the best of my moment.  I just don't want to do the same thing tomorrow.  I 'need' to feel the step 'taken'.  I need to feel happiness in my waking hours rather than feel the sadness of leaving the sleeping life dream where my prayers have been answered.  I need to feel the life of new love, the excitement of an earned adventure, the peace of mind while knowing I am "alive". 

Until then . . . . I SMILE FOR THE HELL OF IT JUST BECAUSE ITS A GREAT START AND ITS CONTAGIOUS!  AND EVENTUALLY EVEN THE FAKE SMILE BECOMES REAL.  . . . .