buried alive

in justly words
in the pit of my stomach
a ray of light
tranforms

cannot bury
the lines of truth
in a pit
made for two

a shine glass glitter
wishful thoughts
caught windswept
on a tree top

put it in the rain
so the dogs can smell
its scent
be fooled

stranger in the shadows
spit your lust pant
so the world can see
you're just as good - bad
as me

drunken truth
twisted into sobriety
as the toxins fade
deep beneath the skin

truth stays the same
deception is the game played
buried alive
so others won't survive


~~ just a moment of ramdomness. its been a wonderful week. smile for the helluvit i say. keeps us feeling ok until next time.~~~

earthly momentos

tapping keys into masked coherency
lost myself in the shuffle of learning
they will call me elder in a few years
i have earned my own guilt and shame
i shun the nag of self destruction
i have earned this day
no ego to claim as my victor
just the scars that rip open when the night falls
forced to remember who I am
caressed with earthly momentos
left to be swept worn by winds and dust
not lost
not found
just there captured in the inhale
and passed to the next breath
reconnecting the buried past
with tomorrow's history
never lost
never found
just there captured in the inhale

...had to start with me.

There is no way to really know what is going to unfold in a day. Yet, the world will continue on out there...passed my screen doors....passed the few feet of 'my yard'. (Listening to Believe In Dreams by Flyleaf)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The snow is falling good right now.
The walk was cleared yesterday
and now fully covered again. The foot prints
pressed into the white banks are filled and replaced
with a new day of winter strollers.
Most of me remembers the peace that came
after the night dream wake.
Still, part of me clings to yesterday's hurt.
Its those little blessings that keep me
from a self induced cave-in of despair. My grandson
a constant teacher . A reminder of those teachings
of life that helped me survive this long.
He may not get any of the philosophical blurts
but he has the tools when its time. He puts them in
where he feels they fit for 'him'.

So, what is it that holds my day captive
as I fight to see bits of daylight?
I am one of the lucky ones. I came out
of the streets with all my 'needed' wits
and no limbs or organs lost. I embraced
a vision that promised to keep me safe
from my suicidal binges. I kept the faith,
as some would say, that the world would become
a better place but had to start with me. I
am grateful, the world is a better place therefor time
left to heal and strengthen. A legacy I can only pray
will be left for my children and grandchildren. I don't
reject my history or use it to blame my life on its events.
I have taken every 'positive' step that I know to take.
My life is not perfect with its daily challenges
and heartbreaking moments. I have little money and no job.
I worry each day about how long this house will be
called home. I fight off thoughts of drunken drug escapes.
I keep a tightened grasp on the forgiveness
needed for the hate controlling those outside my door.
I know this day is mine. I see the daylight through
the cracks of my home made curtains. I have this moment
and that is all that matters. And the smile returns
from the inside out. The world is better
and it had to start with me.

Reality

My son you stood in our doorway with a face covered with blood. My heart stopped and my world changed forever.

What do you see?

What do you see when I walk by you? No designer bags or leased SUVs. If I got a haircut it was done in front of my mirror and usually with a dull scissors from my sewing kit. The shoes I am wearing I bought in a second hand store for a dollar and that was three years ago. Looked new then and still passes for 'okay'. The other night I attended a book reading. I was a bit out of place but I always am. It's funny how on those nights when "I" do a reading the down and out fits the attraction, but when I attend the reading (or places like it) the experience is worth observing. I stepped out of the old renovated building from the stuffiness of suits and academic ego rubs. I had to have a cigarette. My daughter was with me and we looked down the the quiet street and went over how nice a city it was Just as we said these words a couple came around a corner. They must have been in their late twenties or so. The man was walking his bike with a woman on his side. They were laughing and conversing until they seen us standing in front of the building. I smiled. He pulled her closer. My daughter smiled and the woman's eyes darted. She looked terrified and he looked angry. Wow. It's sad actually. I was more sad for them than offended. I bet they would have thought the woman would have been safe with the Cnl Williams than with someone like me. I have lived my life promoting peace and humankindness in my family, community, and where ever I go. Yet, this man, who was given the trust of political leaders and royality was the one lurking in the dark terrorizing innocent people. Yet the man with the bike would place his trust in who "looks" like someone he could trust rather than someone that 'looks' like me. I was out in the night. He was out in the night. Our commonality. My only fear is my children will have to live in a world that is dictated by their fear. That fear is based on what? The color of my skin? The second hand clothes? Their supper conversation? Religous beliefs? News broadcasts? History Books? Its all out there. Food to feed the fear. Sad.

"What man does not understand he fears. What he fears he kills." chief Dan George