Amazing how a few dollars can change a day. Took my daughter and grandson to McDonalds today. That is such a treat. For some crazy reason it involves us in the world somehow, sitting in a restaurant, fast food amongst other families. We always supersize the meal so we can share. That was our treat for the month and it was great! I finished the chopping and editing of a poetry manuscript I needed to hand off to be read. That's done! Although tiny steps, those are the steps I need to continue to take in order to change my reality. That always sounds so odd when i write that. 'change my reality'. But that is what i want to do. i feel like i have been in a fog for so many years. When I look in the mirror I don't recognize that older person. When I review my day I am disgusted at the time I have spent in the fog. I have sat with so many women that have taken my words and friendship and said they are better for it. Yet I have so hard a time making those words/insights my reality.
I came across a site the other day about four young guys traveling and living the life to the fullest by living out a list they compiled. 'what do you want to do before you die?'. This got me to thinking. I and my daughter decided to put together our own list. Amazing how the whole world can open up when you dream. I will post my list when it is completed. My daughter says she needs a day or two to think about it. Imagine that. hahaha....but that is because we want to transform the list into a list of "things we have done in our life". I think that is a good plan.
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"if you only had one day to live, what would you do before you die?"
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
WRITING POETRY
Today I feel refreshed. I spent that last few days exploring dead poet sites and reading collections that have left a legacy of inspiration. One author that provided the kick in the ass I needed was Ginsberg. In his odd, queer way, he left with a bang (ful) of words. Its About and Death and Fame inject life for the reader while he was facing death. He gave an overview of what he wanted to see during his funeral, including mourning ex-lovers he met along his writing career. This is a man that right to the last days of his life - lived! A college student who submitted a 80 pg manuscript only to learn that what he had learned had to be forgotten. He was told to free up his voice and then came 'Howl' a writing that is said to have 'changed America'. Well, needless to say, I am inspired. The thought of 'freeing of my voice' ....think freely...feel freely...write freely. I may not be 'change America' material but I definitely feel I can write freely. If it finds its way into the hands of publisher that appreciates my writing then that is the bonus.
Poverty. That was the topic when this blog was started. As I had hoped the focus is revealing the riches that sit right under my nose. I just need to continue to sort them out and at the same time continue to climb out of this place that has stolen precious moments of my life - defeated mind.
The power and phone still not disconnected. Just hold on for a couple more days. The rent takes most of the money but the rest is for bills. Gonna make it. Oh! I am putting my resume in for two jobs that opened up. Crossing my fingers. The pay is twice what I have now which would be a blessing.
Poverty. That was the topic when this blog was started. As I had hoped the focus is revealing the riches that sit right under my nose. I just need to continue to sort them out and at the same time continue to climb out of this place that has stolen precious moments of my life - defeated mind.
The power and phone still not disconnected. Just hold on for a couple more days. The rent takes most of the money but the rest is for bills. Gonna make it. Oh! I am putting my resume in for two jobs that opened up. Crossing my fingers. The pay is twice what I have now which would be a blessing.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Life Passions
Today there is only one thought lingering in and out of my day so far....passion for life. This is so important. The dreams that excite you each morning. The butterflies that quiver the center of your being each time you think of reaching for more.
Today, all I have to do is believe I can have this in my life again. To be passionate about something, anything. I love to write. I love to create lines of my uneducated poetry, ranting maybe but still written thoughts...mind paintings. I love to wander into the life of a character in an unfolding script. I love to read the words of writers from centuries ago sharing emotions, fears, and realizations with the world and oblivious to the fact that these same words would be sitting in front of me .... in 2008! Amazing. A legacy. Their passion. I just want to keep this thought today.
Just hoping the power won't be disconnected anytime soon. Or the phone for that matter. Still looking for a job. Still writing down my ramblings.
'cursed with inherited sadness'
Today, all I have to do is believe I can have this in my life again. To be passionate about something, anything. I love to write. I love to create lines of my uneducated poetry, ranting maybe but still written thoughts...mind paintings. I love to wander into the life of a character in an unfolding script. I love to read the words of writers from centuries ago sharing emotions, fears, and realizations with the world and oblivious to the fact that these same words would be sitting in front of me .... in 2008! Amazing. A legacy. Their passion. I just want to keep this thought today.
Just hoping the power won't be disconnected anytime soon. Or the phone for that matter. Still looking for a job. Still writing down my ramblings.
'cursed with inherited sadness'
Friday, June 20, 2008
Okay I am alive now what?
I woke up this morning without a clue what to do with the day ahead of me. Don't get me wrong I do not let a moment pass wasted in self pity - well maybe a moment here and there do sneak by. I make a point appreciating each moment granted to me on this gracious planet Earth. I guess that is what keeps me going each day, knowing I have been blessed with a wonderful and strong family. Yes the struggles are daily and with a bit of 'before knowledge' I could have avoided being buried in financial disasters and depression. I have been made aware of the impact of having no money for food, clothing, and ofcourse the luxury of going to a movie. Teenagers. They are great. They do their best to be understanding and patient. They sew their own clothes to save me the trouble. They do odd jobs and never forget their nephews. What I hate are the mornings when we are awaiting money and the food is scarce. They leave without breakfast and take with them a home made lunch of one of my 'creations'. And they continue successfully in their classes. I carry a lot of anxiety and guilt over watching them go through all this. At the same time I see the young adults they have become and am grateful for all the time I had with them growing up. I wanted to be there to catch those important moments that would normally be missed if I was working. I feel in my generation, with all the strengthening experience from the grandmothers before me, we have been given the chance to stop the cycle of poverty and all that goes with it.
We are going to make it.
We receive a bit of money today. 500.00. Half of that goes to a utility bill and to pay for fixing the tire (again). The rest is for grocery shopping. My high hopes was to have the van insured this month. Oh well. I hate that I have to pick between the necessities. I just remembered the telephone bill. sigh. And the housing sent me a water bill from last year that they were supposed to take care of because of a leak they didn't fix, $1000.00 or get evicted. I am still looking for a job. I'll take anything right now. I am tired. My house is a mess. The laundry needs to be done. Need to take the walk to the recycling bins again. My sister is having a wedding and once again I am a no show because of the van. I fight depression each day. I know I am a good mother. I have given my whole life so far to ensuring they have a choice.
The faucet is dripping. Not environmentally friendly and cannot afford to be wasting such a precious resource. (tightens tap). I called the local women's center today to share an idea about having a series of auto and home maintenance workshops. Its amazing how a workshop giving hands-on instruction for changing oil/tires or fixing leaking faucets can encourage independence and financial savings. If only I could find a job that would let me take all this 'life' experience and help others. Which brings me back to making the plan for my making a new reality.
What is stopping me at this moment from achieving what it is that I need????
1. Money (ofcourse) life would be so much simpler if I didn't have to worry about whether the kids are going to have breakfast. Never mind fulfill the food guide requirements.
2. Confidence. I hesitate to put value in my abilities. I need to make an inventory of what my strengths are and believe in them enough to use them.
3. Faith. I don't know why I don't put this as number one. I am not a church goer but I do believe in the Ancient One, Creator, God. There had to be some great being out there to intervene or I would not be here today.
Well hopefully I remember to check back on this list. It's a start anyways. I really would like to figure out a way to either start my own home business. Who wouldn't? That's a dream anyways. I hope if anyone has dared to venture into my ramblings I haven't bored you or depressed you. All I am doing is sorting out my options or creating new ones so I can make a new reality for myself and my family.
Well thanks for hanging in there. I'll post more tonite or tomorrow would like to stay consistent with the blog. My daughter should be back with the tire soon. I am smiling at the thought of her rolling that thing through the neighborhood. We flipped for it. I stay with the kids and she rolled the tire. Seems like the day has been good to me so far.
We are going to make it.
We receive a bit of money today. 500.00. Half of that goes to a utility bill and to pay for fixing the tire (again). The rest is for grocery shopping. My high hopes was to have the van insured this month. Oh well. I hate that I have to pick between the necessities. I just remembered the telephone bill. sigh. And the housing sent me a water bill from last year that they were supposed to take care of because of a leak they didn't fix, $1000.00 or get evicted. I am still looking for a job. I'll take anything right now. I am tired. My house is a mess. The laundry needs to be done. Need to take the walk to the recycling bins again. My sister is having a wedding and once again I am a no show because of the van. I fight depression each day. I know I am a good mother. I have given my whole life so far to ensuring they have a choice.
The faucet is dripping. Not environmentally friendly and cannot afford to be wasting such a precious resource. (tightens tap). I called the local women's center today to share an idea about having a series of auto and home maintenance workshops. Its amazing how a workshop giving hands-on instruction for changing oil/tires or fixing leaking faucets can encourage independence and financial savings. If only I could find a job that would let me take all this 'life' experience and help others. Which brings me back to making the plan for my making a new reality.
What is stopping me at this moment from achieving what it is that I need????
1. Money (ofcourse) life would be so much simpler if I didn't have to worry about whether the kids are going to have breakfast. Never mind fulfill the food guide requirements.
2. Confidence. I hesitate to put value in my abilities. I need to make an inventory of what my strengths are and believe in them enough to use them.
3. Faith. I don't know why I don't put this as number one. I am not a church goer but I do believe in the Ancient One, Creator, God. There had to be some great being out there to intervene or I would not be here today.
Well hopefully I remember to check back on this list. It's a start anyways. I really would like to figure out a way to either start my own home business. Who wouldn't? That's a dream anyways. I hope if anyone has dared to venture into my ramblings I haven't bored you or depressed you. All I am doing is sorting out my options or creating new ones so I can make a new reality for myself and my family.
Well thanks for hanging in there. I'll post more tonite or tomorrow would like to stay consistent with the blog. My daughter should be back with the tire soon. I am smiling at the thought of her rolling that thing through the neighborhood. We flipped for it. I stay with the kids and she rolled the tire. Seems like the day has been good to me so far.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Drawing Day Blog - worldwide drawing event: Drawing Day 2008 - a success and an inspiration
I was wandering around the blog world and found this refreshing activity. Like I mentioned if there is anything that thrives in my family it is creativity during the toughest times. I hope to keep this in mind as the year unfolds. These are the pleasant distractions that do not need a cent for participation.
Drawing Day Blog - worldwide drawing event: Drawing Day 2008 - a success and an inspiration
Drawing Day Blog - worldwide drawing event: Drawing Day 2008 - a success and an inspiration
Empty Cupboards
Well a good a place as any to begin. Empty Cupboards. That's our reality today as two little ones wander through the house as cute as can be. We use our creativity to make the meals as interesting but more importantly, as filling as possible. They don't know yet. They don't know that the life we are living is considered 'poor' 'impoverished' 'low income' 'down and out'. What they do know is we have a life that is very much an improvement that took two generations to transform. My mother and grandmother both have me beat when it comes to 'hard times'. And the limitless abilities for creativity also was what helped in the survival of 13 plus children. Well, keeping the stomachs from growling through the night was only one of the worries of my grandmother's time. A lot of aunts and uncles didn't make it passed their twenties. Starvation of the spirit - took em in the night, on the street, broad daylight, at first newborn breath, during the 18th birthday. Starvation.
Reality in poverty today doesn't mean I live in a cardboard box. Although I feel that situation is too close lately. We have a home - rented- with bits of furniture. The bedrooms are supposed to be havens. I try make it so. With mattresses on the floor covered with homemade cushions. New beds are too expensive and when we buy used we don't think of its history just that it has no holes. Other people's mattresses. I try not to think to much. Well, pride was left back there somewhere maybe in the food bank line or seated in the financial assistance office. I had to make a choice. I received my degree shortly after i had my twins, babies three and four. The father couldn't make his mind up if he was going to stay or go. He was never really with us - always lost in his own thoughts. I knew I would not let my children repeat 'without choice' the same hardships I endured. I would support them through their school, stick to them like a prairie wood tick until they were adults on their own. The toughest times being highschool. They struggled and put up with my strict expectations - 'avoid the alcohol and drug scene atleast until you pass your teens'. Two have made it through their teens with a bit of life bruising from funerals of young friends and understanding of consequence. I kept a job for short periods of time, but always left to put family fires out. I had no outside support from family or friends. They believed I was just wasting my time, just send them out there and let them learn. This is half true. The other part of the story is if you don't give them the support and tools to deal with the decisions today they are easily pulled into situations. I figured well if they choose that live they choose it. But until they are on their own I am going to be here to give them the knowledge o f a life worth fighting for, a choice. When they are on their own they cannot use the excuse "i didn't know".
My daughter asked me after a day of school, 'mom are we poor?' Ofcourse I gave her the version that basically says 'as long as we have each other we are the richest and luckiest people in the world'. I believe this to be true but this only survives for so long. If I don't find a way out. another generation will be looking for answers that I couldn't figure out. Starvation.
Well so far I have been ranting.
Reality:
1.Money in pocket - $0
2.What we had for supper:
~Creative Casserole (Basically put anything left in the fridge or cupboard onto a plate with some baked biscuits made of flour/baking powder/water.
Baked Biscuits
Bacon
Five Sausages
Water
It's amazing how children and teenagers can sit with you and enjoy a meal like this. My son came home with a bottle of pop and shared it three ways. My daughter is getting an academic award. We are getting the vehicle fixed tomorrow, flat tire slashed by some back alley rats and unregistered without insurance. Dimes, nickels and loads of pennies in a backpack to take to the bank for my daughter. It is her end of the school year dinner with friends. No new clothes for two years but we did splurge with forty dollars at the second hand store. Name brands too. Nothing wrong with that. We just have to make it out of this whole poverty reality thing.
Which brings me to the purpose of this blog 'stepping outa this reality'.
This is my first post. I hope to write more tonite. I am putting together a plan. Just a step at a time. If anyone happens by this corner of the web world leave me a comment or offer ideas to help me and my family step outa poverty.
Reality in poverty today doesn't mean I live in a cardboard box. Although I feel that situation is too close lately. We have a home - rented- with bits of furniture. The bedrooms are supposed to be havens. I try make it so. With mattresses on the floor covered with homemade cushions. New beds are too expensive and when we buy used we don't think of its history just that it has no holes. Other people's mattresses. I try not to think to much. Well, pride was left back there somewhere maybe in the food bank line or seated in the financial assistance office. I had to make a choice. I received my degree shortly after i had my twins, babies three and four. The father couldn't make his mind up if he was going to stay or go. He was never really with us - always lost in his own thoughts. I knew I would not let my children repeat 'without choice' the same hardships I endured. I would support them through their school, stick to them like a prairie wood tick until they were adults on their own. The toughest times being highschool. They struggled and put up with my strict expectations - 'avoid the alcohol and drug scene atleast until you pass your teens'. Two have made it through their teens with a bit of life bruising from funerals of young friends and understanding of consequence. I kept a job for short periods of time, but always left to put family fires out. I had no outside support from family or friends. They believed I was just wasting my time, just send them out there and let them learn. This is half true. The other part of the story is if you don't give them the support and tools to deal with the decisions today they are easily pulled into situations. I figured well if they choose that live they choose it. But until they are on their own I am going to be here to give them the knowledge o f a life worth fighting for, a choice. When they are on their own they cannot use the excuse "i didn't know".
My daughter asked me after a day of school, 'mom are we poor?' Ofcourse I gave her the version that basically says 'as long as we have each other we are the richest and luckiest people in the world'. I believe this to be true but this only survives for so long. If I don't find a way out. another generation will be looking for answers that I couldn't figure out. Starvation.
Well so far I have been ranting.
Reality:
1.Money in pocket - $0
2.What we had for supper:
~Creative Casserole (Basically put anything left in the fridge or cupboard onto a plate with some baked biscuits made of flour/baking powder/water.
Baked Biscuits
Bacon
Five Sausages
Water
It's amazing how children and teenagers can sit with you and enjoy a meal like this. My son came home with a bottle of pop and shared it three ways. My daughter is getting an academic award. We are getting the vehicle fixed tomorrow, flat tire slashed by some back alley rats and unregistered without insurance. Dimes, nickels and loads of pennies in a backpack to take to the bank for my daughter. It is her end of the school year dinner with friends. No new clothes for two years but we did splurge with forty dollars at the second hand store. Name brands too. Nothing wrong with that. We just have to make it out of this whole poverty reality thing.
Which brings me to the purpose of this blog 'stepping outa this reality'.
This is my first post. I hope to write more tonite. I am putting together a plan. Just a step at a time. If anyone happens by this corner of the web world leave me a comment or offer ideas to help me and my family step outa poverty.
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