Earth's Ally?

It is just a matter of remembering who you are.  We are the ancients. Every religion. Every culture.  There was a time when we were allies of the Earth.  Now, we are the enemy.  We are the disease.  We sit zombified in front of our screens.  Our brains attached to the plastic truth while the earth rumbles and cleanses.  We are expendable.  A human parasite with no purpose but to over populate and ravage organisms in our path.  There was a time.  We are the ancients.  We spoke with the animals.  Our feet were on the ground attached to the soft earth.  We listened and knew our place.  Now we are full of ourselves.  It is now only about us.  Self.  Minerals. Oil. Temporary progress. We are fools to continue in the way we have for generations.  One Earth.

I sit and watch the rain from my kitchen window.  My spirit fills with gratitude.  Yet somewhere I am afraid of me, and what I contribute to.  A ghost lingering from a time long ago disrupts my peace.  Reality - in the name of progress. I drive my van, unwrap more than once the cheap processed foods filling my fridge, mix recyclable items with garbage without rinsing, smoke cigarettes in my home as my grandsons watch and breath, I eat meals and drink using styrofoam plates and cups during ceremonial feasts while praying for the earth.  I speak of being a descendent of ancestral caretakers of the earth - yet I sit with little knowledge of the Earth I walk on.

This all becomes overwhelming and ignorance does become the bliss of the day.  A tugging of guilt every other moment motivates me to peel and rinse the tin can and place it into the blue bin. Then what? I did my part?

And then. And then - my spirit speaks.

I have come from a long line of silence.  Misinformed trust. Knowing this I listen now.  The fool is the one who believes we can destroy this wonderous planet before it destroys us.  It is alive and going through the natural cycle of cleansing the sickness from the earth.  And if we humans do not return to our place as allies we will be the parasite washed away in the flood.

the breath that was saved for me

released from your guiding hand
the water took my breath
a natural flow of sadness
choking out the child
left behind

they taught me
how to fold in the bedsheets
while thirsting for my red blood
a drop left on my lip
spit it out they said
clean your mouth they said

nails in palms to their god
same rusted iron remnants
rape my spirit
steal my mind

nothing left untouched
             yet all had remain intact

                                 i found my way to the water
                                                where the blood flowed

                                                      I let her die with no remorse
                                             and took the breath that was saved for me

be better than me

Being poor or living in poverty. There are differences. I am rich in life with family, laughter, health, and the continued string of created memories. What does take its toll on this life is the grey cloud that lingers as a constant reminder of what 'we' don't have. The creativity that comes when there are only a couple of potatoes and a can of chicken noodle soup, or a pound of hanburger and a cup of maccaroni - all expected to feed a family without knowing what will be used tomorrow. Yet....Yet we always find solice in our humor and dreams. We imagine, create, plan, learn new ways to make it until those dreams can be reality. We are forever aware of how much better we have it compared to some countries and compared to our ancestors. It is what keeps the dreams alive. We've come this far from those harsh times so there is hope that the grey cloud will be forced to break when that sliver of light escapes through. I am more focused today. I know what I want. I know what I need. I have no regrets yet I have moments of remorse for lost time. I feel my heart bursting with hope and faith. Not only for myself but also my children. I tell them don't hate me for too long but "please be better than me". I never hurt them intentionally but as I chose to live a life where I would stay with them through their childhood and only slowly acquired my own goals in the process. So we were not financially rich and they did not experience the thrill of the fads or trends of the day - but I was there. It was important for me to be present in their lives. I had very little presence of parents in my life - one sick with addiction the other murdered before my first birthday. I wanted to use what I knew in life as part my parenting to ensure their life would be different - I wanted to end the cycle of darkness, shame, and violence. I wanted to keep them safe and teach them to use the tools of survival. I wanted to see them grow to be adults and never be able to say they 'didn't know'. Now my children are adults and they know and have moments of why 'mom', why didn't you build your life and provide for us the way normal families do - brand new cars, clothes, toys. Now I say, you have what you need to survive. You have the skills, knowledge, and experience to achieve, acquire, and grow. If you don't feel I was a good parent then 'be better than me" "do better than me". I may not have a million dollars, hell I may not have twenty, but i am smiling and dam I can make a meal out of anything. * Don't have the green thumb or space enough to grow my own food but as always I will learn - indoor gardening here I come!

I'm Dead If I Don't

Irresistable time to step into your shoes
one little step from a tomorrow
only my dreams could have conjured.
you said it isn't possible and
I said - Just you wait.

One foot in front of the other
I drag the canvas into motion
one side too big the other pinching my toes
you said I would fall on my face
I said - What do you know.

All I could see was the finish line
melting into waves like a desert road
I thirst for a spray of life as I drowned in my sweat
you said I'd die trying
I said - I'm dead if I don't.

My legs give way and sky folds into the ground
I feel the insects feasting on my weathered flesh
as I lay defeated with your shoes on my feet
You said I could never walk without them
I say It's time to walk with flesh to ground

Crawling at best but still moving forward.
I'll die trying. And let's say I make it
Let's say it will be ok.
I say - I have nothing to lose! Get up!

My Sleeping Life Dream Where my Prayers are Answered

The reality of anyone's survival and success lies in their will and passion to do so.  I have sat in silence for countless moments in time contemplating how to change my life and escape the confinement of circumstance - irony - escape my mind.  Too much thinking and not enough doing!  I just never know which way to move.  I live a good life - i don't abuse drugs or alcohol, don't waste time on relationships that would bring those into my life, I am a spiritual person with the heart and passion enough to share with my family and much more, I am not afraid of the sun rise and live 'not to' mourn the sunset.  All the pieces of past, present and future all add up to "me" so to reject even one shar would be to reject who I am so I am embrace all that I am and pray for what is needed to live with all that I am.  I accept the truth that my life is what it is at the moment but another moment arrives and it can get better with each additional second on the clock. 

I have realized, although my life is worlds away from alot of those out there who have the resources to make most of their dreams a reality - most dreams are the same.  Freedom. Peace of mind. Happiness.

I just want to make just 'one step" forward today. No matter how difficult and discouraging the events around me may be.  My heart gets heavy with remorse for time lost and I struggle through the day just to make the best of my moment.  I just don't want to do the same thing tomorrow.  I 'need' to feel the step 'taken'.  I need to feel happiness in my waking hours rather than feel the sadness of leaving the sleeping life dream where my prayers have been answered.  I need to feel the life of new love, the excitement of an earned adventure, the peace of mind while knowing I am "alive". 

Until then . . . . I SMILE FOR THE HELL OF IT JUST BECAUSE ITS A GREAT START AND ITS CONTAGIOUS!  AND EVENTUALLY EVEN THE FAKE SMILE BECOMES REAL.  . . . .

buried alive

in justly words
in the pit of my stomach
a ray of light
tranforms

cannot bury
the lines of truth
in a pit
made for two

a shine glass glitter
wishful thoughts
caught windswept
on a tree top

put it in the rain
so the dogs can smell
its scent
be fooled

stranger in the shadows
spit your lust pant
so the world can see
you're just as good - bad
as me

drunken truth
twisted into sobriety
as the toxins fade
deep beneath the skin

truth stays the same
deception is the game played
buried alive
so others won't survive


~~ just a moment of ramdomness. its been a wonderful week. smile for the helluvit i say. keeps us feeling ok until next time.~~~

a brisk walk with ears and eyes fastened to images of youth and swift step there are no comaparisons to the movements that years from ago speak and now as the prints in soft earth reveal the heaviness of aged experience the sun seems brighter the winds seems softer the air seems cooler

i once read somewhere in lines of old english words as theminds ages and the experiences build in number what accumulates is a mature innocense a view of the world like that of a new born child enhanced by experience of living

well it may be said as the word spread across this page that I have only the misery to share and have missed the wonder that comes with each new day the miracle of sending a new breath into a world unfolding with new adventures in many forms I tap these words with smiles and content as I relish in the memories My heart smiles my spirit is always renewed I may insist with word the darkness before the light but as they say we cannot appreciate the existence of the light without knowing the dark It all balances out in time Those that hurt will feel the peace those that feel peace know pain

and as the dark closes my day I can reflect without remorse

Faith

The Great Mystery. There is something called faith. No matter what life path they have chosen, faith stirs that spark of survival - the will to live another day.

The On Button

Technology. The World Wide Web.  I remember sitting at an old computer in a urban downtown video pool amazed at the idea of messages sent and recieved in a matter of 'minutes' to any where in the World.  I was chosen to participate in a federal/provincial funded pilot project for low income individuals interested in computers - specifically HTML.

As I sat facing the computer I recall being nervous to touch it. I was afraid I would break something or if I pressed the wrong button something horrible would happen.  As the instructor patiently explained the 'On' and 'Off' button my thoughts wandered to visions of mass power outages, smoking machines, and spinning clocks. A living SciFi film with a time machine at my finger tips. 

I reached for the ON button. Click. Beep. Beep. Grind. Then flashing acronyms and symbols.  The journey was about to begin I thought. The instructor, a tall English woman with a tightly wound scarf and a laugh that always ended with a snort, typed in a few letters to show off the Email function.  Then 'beep', the computer shut off.  I sat with little shock.  I knew I knew it is what I thought.  After the instructional 'snort', the instructor mumbles some darn technology comments and switches the machine back on.  Click. Beep. Beep. Grind.  Flash.  She presses a few keys on the keyboard to quickly bring up the email function once again and before it could 'compute' the machine shuts off again.  "It's a sign." I think to myself as I slowly move back from the machine. She gives me a "maybe you're right" kinda look and rolls her chair in front of the computer. After a few attempts, she decides she will let the computer cool down for a bit and goes into the history and purpose of the World Wide Web. 

The computer did eventually fulfill its promise.  At that time there were no email addresses that I knew but the instructor's personal email.  There were few pages to view. (I do wish I could remember the first page I viewed.)  But all in all I was amazed at the new world I was witnessing.  I studied my little HTML  book and continued to be amazed. 

2012. Within seconds high speed internet connection opens with information for everything.  My communication with most people are via email or social media sites, such as Facebook.  I am no longer afraid to press buttons and now venture into problem solving tech issues.  I have said hello and goodmorning to individuals over the waters and can view video footage of astronauts in space, learn how to build a exploding device, how to make the best saskatoon pie, murder, birth, war, peace, misery, happiness, church, sweatlodge, history, future, minds, voices, poetry, films, porn, love, marriage, divorce, friendship, racism, freedom - or how to build a house.  There are no limits to what can be found on the internet - The Web.    

The Web - we are all connected.  Yet .... we are apart.  Difficult to disconnect from the invisible life line we have all become so dependent.  I am still amazed at times at the capibilities of this communication attachment.  I can connect with a stranger as I view and read thought provoking text or his/her daily activities.  They let me in with a new kind of trust or 'need'.  Yet....there are limits to how far they will let you travel 'in' .  Those invisible lines of communication keep the humans apart but connected.  Safe. Safe from face to face interaction which may lead to human sensory communication while exposing the author with all its truths and deceptions. 

I miss the mystery and amazement meeting new people without needing the "ON" button close at hand.  The risk of rejection or the passionate acceptance of real 'live' humans. 

into the universe that will never remember our name

a scramble in the middle of the moral battle
a fall to the dirt in an epileptic fit
ravaged brain soaked in whiskey and stale beer

boot stomped they say
broken neck attached to twisted skin
his blood son  will inherit the ankle chains

newstand release for a dollar on sundays
a celebrity for a moment as the dirt pours
and the cat pisses on the bold print

just another one of us
with that last gasp of air
into the universe that will never remember our name

blood stains his son's hands
but it was the no name that killed him
long before the whiskey and stale beer

lounged with ancients

fit into the wind
like the dust swirl
in september air

a scent of red
as the eyes forget
in chemical pain

we lounged with ancients
when passions were living
in blue dreams

as the mind opens
to eye sight
our
breath
is fantasy.

Lost

... Lost: Inspiration
May have dropped on a cement walk during a storm in the morning on Schit Street
A chance it will be found battered on Phucku Cres.
or trampled on Soulpimped Ave.

Inspiration will be of no use to anyone if you don't have the knowledge of how to operate.
***so please return to Emptyhead Industries on Fruit Road.

Sunrise With a Hangover

there is no poetry
in this life
vocaloids from fragmented
borrowed brain scans
paint spray of human delusions

sunrise with a hangover
the final spark of a dream

earthly momentos

tapping keys into masked coherency
lost myself in the shuffle of learning
they will call me elder in a few years
i have earned my own guilt and shame
i shun the nag of self destruction
i have earned this day
no ego to claim as my victor
just the scars that rip open when the night falls
forced to remember who I am
caressed with earthly momentos
left to be swept worn by winds and dust
not lost
not found
just there captured in the inhale
and passed to the next breath
reconnecting the buried past
with tomorrow's history
never lost
never found
just there captured in the inhale

...had to start with me.

There is no way to really know what is going to unfold in a day. Yet, the world will continue on out there...passed my screen doors....passed the few feet of 'my yard'. (Listening to Believe In Dreams by Flyleaf)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The snow is falling good right now.
The walk was cleared yesterday
and now fully covered again. The foot prints
pressed into the white banks are filled and replaced
with a new day of winter strollers.
Most of me remembers the peace that came
after the night dream wake.
Still, part of me clings to yesterday's hurt.
Its those little blessings that keep me
from a self induced cave-in of despair. My grandson
a constant teacher . A reminder of those teachings
of life that helped me survive this long.
He may not get any of the philosophical blurts
but he has the tools when its time. He puts them in
where he feels they fit for 'him'.

So, what is it that holds my day captive
as I fight to see bits of daylight?
I am one of the lucky ones. I came out
of the streets with all my 'needed' wits
and no limbs or organs lost. I embraced
a vision that promised to keep me safe
from my suicidal binges. I kept the faith,
as some would say, that the world would become
a better place but had to start with me. I
am grateful, the world is a better place therefor time
left to heal and strengthen. A legacy I can only pray
will be left for my children and grandchildren. I don't
reject my history or use it to blame my life on its events.
I have taken every 'positive' step that I know to take.
My life is not perfect with its daily challenges
and heartbreaking moments. I have little money and no job.
I worry each day about how long this house will be
called home. I fight off thoughts of drunken drug escapes.
I keep a tightened grasp on the forgiveness
needed for the hate controlling those outside my door.
I know this day is mine. I see the daylight through
the cracks of my home made curtains. I have this moment
and that is all that matters. And the smile returns
from the inside out. The world is better
and it had to start with me.

Reality

My son you stood in our doorway with a face covered with blood. My heart stopped and my world changed forever.

The List

Sorting through the wreckage of my life to find the treasures of my past. I have not lived this long to be one that resorts to a mode of self pity just to survive. I have live this long because I wake up each morning being grateful for those little miracles. There are too many to mention in one sitting without writing a book. So I will go with this day's list in no particular order of importance - all make my day.

I am grateful for the freedom I wake up with every morning.
I am grateful for the ability to sit and 'see' the morning winter chrystals on the tree tops.
I am grateful for the opportunity to say good morning to my children and grandchildren.
I am grateful for my crazy mind.
I am grateful for the cold floor in the morning.
I am grateful for the earth medicines that I burn in a smudge each morning.
I am grateful to "be aware" how blessed I am.
I am grateful for the knowledge and wisdom of those gone before me.
I am grateful for this day - this new adventure.


And so there it is - always more to add and all just as important as the other. My day is never without challenge but it all plays out in a blessed way. I learn from everything I experience. And if I don't it usually is replayed so the teaching sticks. I stray from the positive mind and that is also a teaching I need. I cannot appreciate the good without knowing the so called 'bad'. My life has so many dark moments that were made darker the more I stayed in its memory clutch. Now, these experiences are all part of who I am. I don't search for pity for the darkness I endured. Nor do I use it as an excuse to 'not live my life'. I must admit there was a time when there was alot of shame in my life...shame for not having the power to protect others from the darkness and shame for not having the knowledge to find my way out of the darkness. But never did I blame or ask for pity. In a way, that was my problem. I took on alot of responsibility for events that were not mine or were unavoidable. Realizing I had a 'choice' was what saved me from existing in the darkness of my experience and saved my children from reliving the experience. I would rather my children and grandchildren inherit the mind peace and spirit strength to face their journey. And the only way I can contribute to that is to 'live' my life so they will experience 'the choice' I made. They have seen the darkness and they have experienced the beauty of living. They have a choice. That's the most important teaching I have ever received. Today, I choose to live my life with the eyes of a child and the maturity of my experiences.

************************************************************************
Bob Marley - Three Little Birds ( There are some songs that just have a way....)

.....its snowing out there

Listening to So Long Marianne by Leonard Cohen)

The snow has arrived and with the unpredictability of today's weather pattern no one knows if nature's blanket will remain or melt into the ground to expose the sleeping earth to its death. But what hasn't changed, and I don't imagine will ever change, is the excitement in the the little boy's voice as he jumps and proclaims "It's snowing!" As the world moves on its way around a little one there is little to deter the young mind from seeing the wonder and beauty in everything. No matter what the world is puking up. (I see that sentence and can't help but 'leave it'.) I read somewhere in the beginning of my studies in old dusty literature, too see the world as a child with mature innocense. The exact wording is not what sticks its the message it leaves that matters. I have been pulled into each morning with a slight ache of unfed desire for a life that I have never known. Then....sometime during that moment or sometimes when I am trapped in the illusion of my sleep ... I remember. Its my experience, my life, that is the innosence and my willingness to live it the best I can is the maturity.

Not Enough Sheep for Me to Count for Sleep

My body is tired but I can't sleep. Four days. Four days and four hours of sleep. I did three abstract designs on paper last night....instead of making me tired it made me want to do another then another then another.

Lines, circles, squares, curves. I swear I started seeing faces forming in there somewhere. I close my eyes and a cluster of cartoon characters and script fill my head. I some how just flow with it and try make a story out of it. Too many thoughts and too many stresses at the moment I think.

Tried counting sheep as a last resort. The cluster of thoughts would just intefere and take me somewhere else. I even imagined the sheep leaning on a post patiently waiting for me to 'focus'. Funny. Now this is what happens with lack of sleep. Rambles of nonsense.

Morning Clutter

The minute I woke up this morning my eyes were jolted open and all I thought was 'what time is it'?

I used to lay there for a moment or two and review my sleep journey. An event in itself that helped lift off the day with thoughtfulness. I don't remember what I have dreamed. I haven't remembered in a long time or taken the time to let the worlds slowly transform. Now, I sit with a slight confusion and jump into the day. There is a good side to that and a bad side. I just haven't figured it all out yet.

Getting up in the morning is a difficult task for alot of people. I think of teenagers. Specifically, my teenagers. They have made me so proud. They dream. They have tested 'the line' society has drawn for them. They realize they need to do the work to celebrate the results. And yet, the most beautiful time of the day is the most difficult for them to face. I have always made a point of making the morning the best before they face the world. I would ensure the breakfast was one that sent an aroma throughtout the house. Even those mornings, and there were many, when the cupboards and fridge had nothing I was always able to create a breakfast they ate with smiles. I think their favorite was buttered biscuits and oatmeal. I was never a eggs and bacon breakfast eater. I grew up in a family where those breakfasts were saved for the adults. And they only occurred on weeks when the social benefits were out. Its amazing how, when you have nothing, family makes the day worth facing and fighting for.
Now just to figure out how to get these teens to make their first class in the morning.

As for me I have an appointment this morning. I don't like the idea I had to resort to social benefits to survive in this time of my life. I had dreamed, imagined, planned, crawled to ensure my life would be different. Yet, here I am. I search for employment and send resumes every morning. The other day, the city council rejected a hiring policy that would acknowledge the fact that racism exists and prevents equal opportunity for "qualified Aboriginal" people. Well that is a whole other issue yet is connected to why I need my teenagers to take as many hours in the day to hone their skills.

In our language, Umbe Washte, its a good day, i said everyday. No matter what struggles they are all seen as good. Our only responsibility is to live a good life. That can be a long list of 'to dos'. So life never should be boring. Now to go shake up teenage sleep.